Turmoil Coffee

[EatItSucka]

She is the 1 for me
2 break the silence...
3 Times did she look back
4 time has collasped

Anger burning, mind deserving
Only the worst for her

5 fingers on this hand
6 is the only way out of here
7 sharp shackles subside
Inside a figure of 8

Depression freezing, pain is pleasing
Only the best for her!

9 is the only way out
9 is the only way out
9 is the only way out
Circle the 0 till the end of time

Feedback please and thank you. God bless!

-DaKilla623

[The Personist]

The whole numbers thing just isn't doing it for me in general, but you don't really adhere to the structure very well. 3 and 4 are a stretch, but then from 6 on you're just making things up. It's kind of silly. I don't see a progression from wanting only the worst to wanting only the best, either, and I think you could do a lot more to actually describe or relate things than simply using numbers.

[EatItSucka]

Interesting.

I wrote it in about 2 minutes so I didnt expect good feedback.

Go on though, what do you think would make it better?

[The Personist]

Ditch the number structure.
Take your audience with you on the trajectory from wanting only the worst to only the best for her.

I mean...
It's really hard to give feedback on it since it's so simple and does read like something written quickly as an idea. It's hard to critique an idea like this beyond "I like it" or "I don't." Sorry...

[EatItSucka]

No worries man, dont be sorry.

I love feedback, bad or good. That way we learn and move foward.