Shedding Skin

[Jabble524]

Shedding Skin

Her green eyes are focused
Like a coiled rattlesnake
Ready to strike its prey

Her red lips are hungry
Like an ancient vampire
Whose slept for centuries
And awakes to taste crimson ambrosia

Her purple tongue-
Is strangely sweet and seductive
Flickering in and out, with malevolence
But you don't care

Although each kiss brings you closer to the reaper
And each embrace brings your soul closer to hell
You don't care

Because being with her
Is like shedding skin
Reincarnated by lust
And born again

Outside of heaven's gates
Our hearts are discarded like fallen angels
Tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they're inconvenient

[SECRETBULLET]

wow thats nuts i love it

[The Personist]

Her green eyes are focused
Like a coiled rattlesnake
Ready to strike its prey
The rattlesnake image isn't doing it for me at all, and it's a bit confusing. How are her eyes ready to strike their prey? Are you saying she's ready to strike her prey? Either way, it seems a tad melodramatic, and the sort of "woman as a hunter preying on men" idea is one that's played out to death.


Her red lips are hungry
Like an ancient vampire
Whose slept for centuries
And awakes to taste crimson ambrosia
Typo--It should be "who's," as in "who has." "Ambrosia" is the food of the gods; vampires drink blood. This image doesn't make much sense, again, as "crimson ambrosia" would not be blood. Furthermore, you use the cliched image of a vampiric female doing some bloodsucking. You're grabbing at straws of lofty diction and falling short. You also make the same mistake of comparing her lips and only her lips to a vampire; the rest of her, logically, then, is not a vampire. Only her lips want to drink blood, but the rest of her doesn't. That's what this stanza says. Vampires are a dangerous image to use, because they're so played out, especially given the recent Twilight craze. I find that the best vampire-related writing lies, surprisingly, in Cradle Of Filth's lyrics. Dani knows what he's talking about, and love 'em or hate 'em, CoF has literate and intelligent lyrics. Look up "Funeral In Carpathia."

Her purple tongue-
Is strangely sweet and seductive
Flickering in and out, with malevolence
But you don't care
I'm assuming the hyphen after "tongue" is meant to be a dash. A dash is 2 hyphens when typed on a keyboard. It should look like this: --
Technical note aside, I have some issues with this. You tell us a lot of things here: her tongue is sweet, seductive, flickering (you mean flicking or flitting, I presume), and it is malevolent. Simply stating "this is a bad thing" in any sort of writing is never a good idea, and I think you need to find a way to show us, using your language, that the tongue is strangely sweet and seductive and malevolent. This just reads as "I liked kissing her but don't know why." It isn't poetic, even if the words sound it, because you're just telling me exactly what's happening. I don't want that; I want to experience it with you. Try to capture the experience, not just tell what happened.
You make a very strange shift in that last line: "But you don't care." That's weird. Who is "you"? I'm assuming you, the poet, are the one so enraptured with this vampiric mistress. This isn't, though, direct address to her. It's a description of her. Why, then, do you suddenly turn to her and address her directly? It's confusing and jarring, and without any precedent or any intended effect of this shift, I'm left wondering why you even included this line. Oh, and voice issues aside, it's just a cliche line. The poem would benefit if you removed it altogether, I think.

Although each kiss brings you closer to the reaper
And each embrace brings your soul closer to hell
You don't care
Again with the you. Now I think you're talking to a friend. Weird, since you seem to be the one enthralled by this mistress. Also, this is cliche spiritual imagery; just mentioning the reaper doesn't benefit you, and the whole "soul closer to hell" thing is so maudlin. If you are going to use this kind of language, you need to do it in a way that is more involved. As it stands, you're saying that hooking up with this chick is damning someone (or yourself, or her; I'm still unsure) to hell. This theme has been beaten to death again and again and again. Give it a new treatment, perhaps, and look at it in a different way; as it stands, this is just cliche teenage melodrama.

Because being with her
Is like shedding skin
Reincarnated by lust
And born again
When you say being with her is like shedding skin, you set up the next two lines...which don't have anything to do with it. Shedding skin isn't really a figuration of death, but rather simply being renewed, refreshed, or getting a fresh start. Here, you use it to imply death and then rebirth. It's a weird image, and it doesn't quite click. Also, this is, again, as I said, maudlin and overwrought. Not only that, it obscures your voice; you seem to know firsthand what being with her is like, though you weren't with her in the stanzas prior. At this point, I have utterly no idea what's going on or who is ruining whose life by hooking up with Satan.

Outside of heaven's gates
Our hearts are discarded like fallen angels
Tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they're inconvenient
The last line is absolutely atrocious. It doesn't work with the poem at all. I get what you're going for, but it's so trite. There are so many better ways to say that. Also, you now put yourself into the arms of this mistress. Who were you talking to before, then? You need to pick a voice and stick with it, unless you have a purpose in doing otherwise. I'm fairly certain that there is not that sort of purpose, though, because it didn't seem deliberate.

Overall, this poem wallows in mediocre melodrama and seems content to avoid actual descriptions. It needs a lot of work to lift itself out of the cliched world in which it currently resides.

[Jabble524]

Thanks for the feedback. Also, thanks for the detailed criticism. It opened my eyes to some elements I hadn't noticed before. Here is a revised version.

Her green eyes are focused
Like a coiled rattlesnake
Ready to strike its prey

Her red lips are hungry
Like an ancient vampire
Who's slept for centuries
And awakes to hunt once more

Her purple tongue
Is strangely sweet and seductive
Flickering in and out, with malevolence
But I don't care

Although each venomous kiss
Brings me closer to the reaper
And each sinful embrace
Brings my soul closer to hell
I don't care

Because being with her
Is like shedding skin
Reincarnated by lust
And born again

Outside of heaven's gates
Our hearts are carelessly discarded
Like broken wedding vows
Our souls tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they're inconvenient

[Jabble524]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read this. I truly appreciate it.

Hope all is well,
Jason