Magnet Train

[yournewhaircut]

They're boarding up now
Onto the magnet train
You're gonna be out of here real fast

The marquee is calling
I am not succeeding
At keeping the waterworks back

Haha, no I'm alright
We'll skype every other night
And you can tell me all about the city.

But text me sometime
After you arrive
Just to let me know that you're living

Say hi to the future while you still have a chance
For now it's the present you cannot wait to unwrap
Say bye to me right now, say hi later tonight
Kiss on the cheek, there's a blur and then you're gone
My phone starts buzzing

So my friend saw us
Waiting there so awkwardly
And so here we are now on the web

My head shows up blurry
I think I am singing
That song you had stuck in your head

Your hand's on my knee
But you are falling back
Your hair dances all around your face.

There's a clock frozen
Just above a small blue bird
Wings a-blur, suspended in space.

Say bye to the past now because it is leaving
It doesn't exist except for in stories now
So tell me your stories now I'm getting sleepy
Writing you a message about this cool dream I had
I was a magnet train

[liveloud4life]

I think I like this. It's got a really casual but meaningful vibe to it.

A few things I don't like: I don't think i like haha. I realize it's casual but that might be too far. I also think the couplet in that stanza is a little forced. I felt like the line about "unwrapping the present" was a little cheesy. Not vomit-inducing but you might think about reworking it. And a personal opinion, the internet stanza seemed a little unnecessary, esp the last line. It kinda seems like it leads into the next stanza, which ironically is one of my favorites, but I think I'd try and find a different way to accomplish that if it were me.

Oh, and what does skype mean?

[yournewhaircut]

Thanks for the feedback, buddy. Skype is an online video/phone service program. It's kind of an obscure thing but I think it's interesting how it's developing into it's own verb among people who use it. There isnt really another one syllable word for that as far as I know.

[Deadbolt01]

Pretty cool, nice and interesting. I would have liked a bit more flow to it, and the use of skype is a touch tacky, but it aint bad.