What Went Wrong?

[who_is]

ok so i wrote this song in about an hour at about 2 am.

im pretty new to writing lyrics so im posting them asking for your honest opinion.


Well every night I hear your voice.
And I'm left with no damn choice.
But try to think of what went wrong.
Or to listen to our song.

Then my body starts to shake
While my heart begins to break.
Waiting for you to give me the chance
To show you true love or a glance.

I'll hear your voice.
I'll hear our song.
I'll try to think of what went wrong.

It's killing me inside
When I realize that I am not your guy.
So I start gasping for fresh air as I try to make things clear.

Well every night I hear your cry
But it's coming from inside.
And I'm sitting here growing high
As the love starts to die.

I'll hear your voice.
I'll hear our song.
Oh I'll try to think of what went wrong.

I'll do a disappearing act
While I try to find out all the facts.
I'll try to clear the thoughts in my head before my body turns up cold and dead.
As I see the sky for the very first time I open my eyes and I realize...

No more voice.
No more song.
I found out it was you all along.

:wave:

[The Personist]

The rhyming is contrived and silly. You don't always need to RHYME in song lyrics; if you do rhyme, make it good and not forced (disappearing act/facts was a groaner).

You use a lot of cliches here, and I think what would help you is to listen to bands who have good lyrics, or at least lyrics that are more structured and poetic (I hate that term, but there is a degree of craft implied, and that's what you need).

When I first started writing poetry, it looked a lot like this. What helped me is to experiment by imitating. Pick a song you think has amazing lyrics, and imitate it. Follow a similar verse pattern, and try to emulate the style of the artist in question. It helps you pick up techniques you may not have had before, and it makes you think about the construction of the lyrics/poem.

Also, read a lot of poetry. Bukowski's probably a good place to start, since he's fairly mainstream and digestible while at the same time having something strong to say and an interesting way of saying it. I could suggest more if you wanted, but I"m just trying to give you some suggestions as to how you can develop a better writer's toolbox from which to draw when writing. Hope that helps.