hearts on fire

[chickmgnt478]

falling in love with you
is something i could never do
just one look at you
sends chills to my spine
makes me come alive

but baby oh i know
you would be the one to make me whole
but i would leave you on ur own
your the love of mine i could never find

and now your telling me
maybe you could be the one for me
and some day baby
we could finally be

everything that we Could be
make it through just you and me
a perfect storm in all these liars
the beauty of our hearts on fire


your hand in mine feels so right
like the first day that i knew
your the one i would never get over
oh id never get through

cause the way you lose your way
in all these games that you play
makes me feel that its my time
its my time to fall this time

2 verses. then pre chorus. then chorus and 2 more versus. still needs a brigde. i think.

Thoughts anybody????????

[The Personist]

This is a litany of cliches. Holding hands, playing games, perfect storms, making one another whole...it's all been said and done before. I'm sorry, but you need to go line by line and find a different way to say everything. Otherwise, you're rehashing all the work of every pop star since the 80's. It's flat, dull, and emotionless.

[KenjiBeast]

I frankly don't trust lyrics that refer to the second person as "Baby" more than once.

Feel free to try again. As previously stated, there is nothing that truly defines these lyrics, it's just a string of vaguely related cliches.

[chickmgnt478]

ya i understand what you mean. i guess i write from a pop sense so to say i dont use cliches or things like that, i do and i know i do. but if you have advice, how would i write them differently. like give an example of not being cliche.

[The Personist]

You can't really give examples of not being cliche. It defeats the purpose. Look at every line--which is basically a rehashing of something that some pop artist has said. Take it, and take the emotions you felt when you wrote this, and then try to find a way to convey those emotions in a way you've never seen someone say it before.