The Mother Machine

[Chigwinkle]

The Mother Machine is driven by hate,
And thus, she watches and waits for the day
When her creators are crushed by the weight
Of industry and it’s greedy display,
As mankind destroys and plans the downfall,
Of Mother Machine and her all-seeing eye,
Observing and preserving great nature’s hall,
Where man will sit and eat with a sigh,
Saying ‘Why can we not dine with mother?’
And she will reply with a deep whisper
Like roaring wind, a voice like no other,
A simple phrase: ‘You will not understand.’
But still man persists to destroy and raze
All the grand cities built in the old days.

[KenjiBeast]

Good character study, and a beautiful use of traditional sonata form.

Reminds me of a fairy tale all twisted in on itself and distorted.

[Chigwinkle]

Thanks, I really appreciate it. This is my first experimenting with sonnets, I'm glad you like it.

[Chigwinkle]

bump

[The Personist]

The Mother Machine is driven by hate,
And thus, she watches and waits for the day
When her creators are crushed by the weight
Of industry and it’s greedy display,

"Driven by hate" is a cliche, as are watching and waiting for the day and greedy industry. You should look for new ways to say these, because as is, you're restating something that's been said and said and said so many times that it no longer strikes us or interests us. "watches and waits" and "creators are crushed" are decent alliterations, but they feel a bit forced. Watches and waits, as I said, is cliched.
You're falling prey to a very common trap that many younger poets (hell, I still do it sometimes) are guilty of: telling instead of showing. "is driven by hate," "are crushed" "industry greedy." You want to try to find a way to say this without telling us outright; [I]show us that hate by giving us a sense of what the mother machine is feeling hate towards. The word "hate" releases the tension; if you could find another way to lead us to the conclusion that this machine is hateful, then we as readers will be more rewarded.


As mankind destroys and plans the downfall,
Of Mother Machine and her all-seeing eye,
Observing and preserving great nature’s hall,
Where man will sit and eat with a sigh,

Observing and preserving great nature's hall has eleven syllables. Where man will sit and eat with a sigh has nine. This automatically calls attention to the lines, and unless there's a specific purpose in doing so, you should probably revise them. Also, the internal rhyme of "observing/preserving" doesn't seem necessary, and since it's just a list of verbs, it feels forced. You do a lot of "subject verb and verb the noun"--does that make sense? This is a telling sonnet. I'm being told about a scene instead of being transported there to try and experience it myself. There's no real ambiguity, nothing to make me stop and think or wonder what's going on. Some Modernist and postmodern poets have taken poetry in a more direct, explicit direction; I don't think this is necessarily bad. What needs to happen, though, is that we need to gain something from the direct dissemination of the information. In "Howl" by Allen Ginsberg, the reader gains the overwhelming sense of disdain that Ginsberg feels because he does not pull any punches. This, though, does not benefit from that direct address because it is in a rhythmic, musical sonnet form. By selecting this as your formal constraint, you need to work as is appropriate in that instance. "This happened and then this and this and this" is not what we read sonnets to hear. I want you to paint me a picture with something like this; instead, you're telling me that something's happening.


Saying ‘Why can we not dine with mother?’
And she will reply with a deep whisper
Like roaring wind, a voice like no other,
A simple phrase: ‘You will not understand.’
The first line of this stanza is very, very awkward in terms of rhythm. I've stayed away from critiquing your use of iambs and stuck mainly to syllabic line length, because I think it's more important you master poetic form than the particulars that come with experience and practice, but in this case, you start with a trochee (stressed unstressed), which makes the line sound odd when read out loud, and throws the reader for a loop.
This stanza also gets at another problem that the first two flirted with but never explicitly demonstrated: voice. Your voice is simply unclear. Should I sympathize with men or with the Mother Machine? IF she's driven by hate, I'm inclined to see her as a negative construct; however, she's destroying greedy things. But then you create this picture of her being some sort of harbinger of armageddon. Her interaction with the people is ambivalent. I can't tell what YOU think about her, and your imagery--or lack thereof--is obscuring my perception of her.

But still man persists to destroy and raze
All the grand cities built in the old days.[/quote]
Now I'm confused. Is the point that man can persist even after Mother Machine destroys everything? This is just really, really unclear.

General note: proper punctuation is your friend. This would be easier to read if you applied the proper punctuation.

Also, you'll want to find ways to express things without outright telling them to us, as that's never a good idea in creative writing of any kind.

I hope that's helpful.

[Chigwinkle]

Thanks, some wonderful critic.
The stuff about rhythm is really helpful, as I said above, this is my first proper go at the sonnet form. I guess getting it to sound right takes a bit of practice. Also thanks for pointing out the 9 syllable line, as I hadn't realised that before. The 11 syllable line was actually supposed to stick out as I wanted to emphasize the idea of the 'mother machine' being a overwatcher/ harbringer of life.
I disagree with the point you made about her destroying greedy things- the poem doesn't refer at any point to her destroying anything, only passively observing mankind destroy themselves.
Apart from that, thanks for the advice- I do try to stay away from the cliches, they just come so naturally xD

On another note, the whole idea I actually wanted to get across here was the idea that this Mother Machine was actually mother nature itself.

[The Personist]

She did not come across as mother nature at all. You'll probably have to clarify that. I'm assuming the irony is that NATURE is a MACHINE, right? In revising, you should try to let that come out a little bit more. As it stands, I never got that she was nature, especially not if she was observing nature--that means she's watching herself, technically.

(I misread the greedy stuff, sorry).

[Chigwinkle]

Yeah, definatly need some clarification on the whole point I'm trying to get across. I plan to right a series of pieces based on the idea of nature vs man and global warming and stuff, I know it's been done to death, but I find it a really interesting topic.
I'm studying Victorian/19th Century Literature at school at the moment, we're doing the poetry of John Clare. His view of nature and how man was destroying it was what inspired this piece.

[Hamlet]

ArtfullyAborted is right. Since you're starting out with sonnets, make sure it follows the meter first, then start experimenting. Putting in an 11 syllable line doesn't mean much when there's no flow to disrupt.

[Chigwinkle]

awesome, thanks for the feedback guys.