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View Full Version : If looks could kill..

armytanks
12/18/05, 09:49 AM
Rain above our heads,
Death below our feet.
So run boy, run
and don't forget about that uptown whore.
Her makeup will run,
what a first class tragedy.
If looks could kill,
I'd already be dead.

(I wrote this a while ago)
Boring Pop Song
12/18/05, 11:25 AM
i don't know really what to say. there's not much substance to it. sorry
armytanks
12/18/05, 11:27 AM
i don't know really what to say. there's not much substance to it. sorry
thanks though.
ArTkY_
12/18/05, 12:08 PM
It's OK, its too incomplete. If you wrote more it would be better.
de la sympathie
12/18/05, 12:14 PM
really feels incomplete. maybe there would be more of a storyline to it if you wrote a bit more on.
extatic reality
12/18/05, 12:38 PM
if there was more to it.. it'd be pretty good but at the moment..
a speedo model
12/18/05, 07:06 PM
pretty much what everyone above said. it's good, but it needs more.
rockluvr
12/21/05, 04:07 PM
i agree with them, its a good start but until there is more it cant really be judged <3 lily <3
theMATEOlife
12/23/05, 06:21 AM
write the rest of it, please.
SiNgLiKeCAC
12/28/05, 08:40 PM
a heartwell ending.
SiNgLiKeCAC
12/28/05, 08:43 PM
if looks could kill you'd be a murderer, maybe just a whore
neon_eyeliner77
12/30/05, 02:15 AM
We all need to learn the difference between constructive and destructive, and between critisizing and doing. Those who can't do, critisize.

It's good for what it is, but is there a story behind it? and are we supposed to know what it is?
preppyak
12/30/05, 06:49 PM
We all need to learn the difference between constructive and destructive, and between critisizing and doing. Those who can't do, critisize.


And between critisizing and criticizing. Don't try to moralize please, the comments on this poem were actually very tame compared to others, and they told exactly what needed to be said.
theMATEOlife
12/31/05, 04:34 AM
Those who can't do, critisize.


you're very wrong. not that I need to prove anything to anyone here, but i think i've posted enough of my work to show that I very well CAN write. i criticize because i like to help, because I care about the craft, and because it helps me get better.

the fact that a piece might be a piece of shit is entirely out of my control, and it's definitely relatively fair of me to say it.

thanks for the criticism though.
Stu-Stu-Stutter
01/01/06, 10:12 PM
What's w/ the whore?
I don't get how that fits.
theMATEOlife
01/02/06, 12:39 AM
the word "whore" or "bitch" always fits.