Wholly or holy?

[Tead42]

I know there are 3 Manchester Orchestra lyrics in here but I loved some lines and I decided to write my own poem. First draft



My strength, my mind
One in the same.
Now, to me, a drug.
My only weakness is my only cure

Has this brain got the best of me?
There's me and there's him.
Which the better? Mind over motivation?
He tells me there is no God, but I am sure.
Two halves, one hole. In my head or in my heart?

These personalities splitting me apart.
Tearing down the middle, even but odd.
Is it odd or is it God? I hurt.
Something tells me of a cure.

Manna is a Hell of a drug.
One after another, I can feel him slipping away.
He pulls together one last time...
"Is belief enough?"

But enough is never quite enough.
I see him, not him but Him, I was right.
So I prayed for what I thought were angels,
ended up being ambulances.

So I thought to myself,
not to himself, myself..
Who saved me,
the man in the blue jumpsuit or the man in the blue sky?

[Deadbolt01]

I think its cool to slip in some lyrics of a band you really like. Personal touch.
Nice writing, I like it. Very....contemplative.
"Is it odd or is it God?"thats the only line I didnt like.

[fishingthe_sky]

I didn't really like this. Everything is made rather obvious, and you sort of beat the duality of mind to death. Crises of faith typically don't come across very well when they're so plainly put; it's a theme as old as time and it's been done in such creative ways that something like this falls way short. You also set yourself up to fall short because you use lines from Manchester Orchestra. Granted, MO or BN haven't treated the subject in the most original manners either, but they've at least put a creative twist on the issue of questioning faith. My suggestion to you is to come up with a metaphoric conceit that you can use throughout the entire poem that doesn't bury your meaning from view, but at the very least doesn't make your poem an obvious struggle of "you against brain against god."