Untitled(maybe you can give me a title?)

[Deadbolt01]

I worte this today, it's the first song I've ever been proud of writing. I'm much more proud of the melody and the guitar line though so feel free with the abusive critisism, I'll be hurt but I'll have some hope. I'm in a band where I don't write lyrics so its cool. Anyways anything constructive would be wonderful, but completely un-constructive insults are also welcome.

EDITED VERSION:
I've been wondering how I got into this mess
There's a twisting in my stomach and a crushing feeling in my chest
And I feel like crying out
I've tried to find a way around it but I'm useless without
what got left behind.

I can't live this way.

I've got my goals, my destination, planned out like a map,
But right now it seems I'm staying exactly where I am,
And they're on their way to finding out who they're gonna be,
But this Paralysis will make sure they know exactly where to find me.

I hope everything falls into place.
I'm not sure how much longer I can wait...

Never tried writing a song without a chorus before but there it is. Now I'm pretty sure there's bits of it that can be changed for the better, but I haven't quite worked out how yet so help would be cool.

[Kalvsylta]

Somehow I like this song, maybe it's because I like short lyrics.
I'm no expert in this area, but one thing I "don't like" is the "And I don't know know what to do." line.
Why? Well in my opinion it does not seem to fill a purpose, or atleast there are other ways of telling us you don't know what to do.

Although I actually really like this one: "But this Paralysis will make sure they know exactly where to find me." :)

[Deadbolt01]

Somehow I like this song, maybe it's because I like short lyrics.
I'm no expert in this area, but one thing I "don't like" is the "And I don't know know what to do." line.
Why? Well in my opinion it does not seem to fill a purpose, or atleast there are other ways of telling us you don't know what to do.

Although I actually really like this one: "But this Paralysis will make sure they know exactly where to find me." :)

Thanks a lot :) Yeah I'll work on an alternative line for that, it does sound a bit dull.


BTW The song is kind of about being anxious about not being able to move forward as a person, mostly socially, and it has sort of a Frank Turner/Bright Eyes/Iron and wine mashup feel to it. It's acoustic.

[The Personist]

You use a lot of cliches. Twisting and crushing internally are very overdone. You need to describe what's going on, not just say "I feel like..." Otherwise, we don't want to read/listen to you. You also can't just say "this is all about my life that sucks...but I hope things will end up being OK." That's very much a cop-out; show, don't tell. That's a good rule to follow. don't just tell us what's going on. Let us experience it with you.

[Deadbolt01]

You use a lot of cliches. Twisting and crushing internally are very overdone. You need to describe what's going on, not just say "I feel like..." Otherwise, we don't want to read/listen to you. You also can't just say "this is all about my life that sucks...but I hope things will end up being OK." That's very much a cop-out; show, don't tell. That's a good rule to follow. don't just tell us what's going on. Let us experience it with you.
Cheers for the advice. When you say 'show' do you mean like, be more literal and honest, use more imagery or more/better metaphors, or what?

And I dont mean to argue about your critisism because I appreicate it a lot. But I think its ok for a song to be a cop out. Thats the advantage of songs over novels for me, they don't need an ending, they can just something you feel a lot about, even if it is uncertainty. But I'll definitely have a think about that one.

[The Personist]

Even the most uncertain of narratives, be they fiction or poetry, have an ending. The ending might make you think, but there is an ending, regardless. Listen to every song you've ever heard. Even if it isn't telling a story, it has a specific, definite ending. Fading out, even, can serve as a definite ending.

As for showing and not telling:
Telling is: "I've tried to find a way before." That is a declarative statement that has everything you need me to know on the surface. I am not engaged; I don't need to be, because I can just skim it and know what you're saying. If you want to engage the reader/audience (which you do, as an artist, want to do, regardless of what you're writing about), then you need to make me experience it along with you. I should read what you wrote and then be left with an impression of your having tried to find a way before. Some examples of showing and not telling in poetry:

-any of Shakespeare's sonnets
-Andrew Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress": Each stanza has a significantly different feel to it, without directly stating what that feeling is.
-Bob Dylan's song "Desolation Row," wherein through a series of vignettes, each ending up on Desolation Row, Dylan shows us how he's feeling without saying it outright.
-Ode To The West Wind by Percy Bysse Shelley; it's a brilliant poem that, in a direct address to an element of nature, requires thought to lift from it the meaning.

I could go on, or suggest more if you so desire, but i think that's a solid start for "showing" over telling. You should be able to Google all of those and find them, and maybe start to get an idea of showing versus telling. But it's generally bad to just say "I am sad" when you could use images to allow us to arrive at that conclusion. You also don't want to make poems that are just lists of images. It's a fine line, but as an artist, ya gotta toe it. Good luck.

[Deadbolt01]

Even the most uncertain of narratives, be they fiction or poetry, have an ending. The ending might make you think, but there is an ending, regardless. Listen to every song you've ever heard. Even if it isn't telling a story, it has a specific, definite ending. Fading out, even, can serve as a definite ending.

As for showing and not telling:
Telling is: "I've tried to find a way before." That is a declarative statement that has everything you need me to know on the surface. I am not engaged; I don't need to be, because I can just skim it and know what you're saying. If you want to engage the reader/audience (which you do, as an artist, want to do, regardless of what you're writing about), then you need to make me experience it along with you. I should read what you wrote and then be left with an impression of your having tried to find a way before. Some examples of showing and not telling in poetry:

-any of Shakespeare's sonnets
-Andrew Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress": Each stanza has a significantly different feel to it, without directly stating what that feeling is.
-Bob Dylan's song "Desolation Row," wherein through a series of vignettes, each ending up on Desolation Row, Dylan shows us how he's feeling without saying it outright.
-Ode To The West Wind by Percy Bysse Shelley; it's a brilliant poem that, in a direct address to an element of nature, requires thought to lift from it the meaning.

I could go on, or suggest more if you so desire, but i think that's a solid start for "showing" over telling. You should be able to Google all of those and find them, and maybe start to get an idea of showing versus telling. But it's generally bad to just say "I am sad" when you could use images to allow us to arrive at that conclusion. You also don't want to make poems that are just lists of images. It's a fine line, but as an artist, ya gotta toe it. Good luck.
Nice one, thanks.

[Deadbolt01]

K I've edited it. Any better?
Also, anyone got any title suggestions?