My Fate, My Freedom

[TheObserver]

I've been reading a lot in this forum lately and would like to get more involved. I'd appreciate any comments on this.

My Fate, My Freedom

Bless a boy believed
to be better off below
the social scene
and then I'll believe
that you're not make belief,
that you're not made for grief.

I'm asking for help
because there is something I have felt
when I say to you what I can say to no one else,
in prayer, I'll keep you to myself.

I persistently hesitate
to believe that only through my grave
will I see your face
it is just one wall I hit
before my dim future is lit.

I must know is this a dictatorship
or a love tended by reverance,
and what is the difference
if my fate is impending
and yours never ending.

[theMATEOlife]

dope, i enjoyed it.

few notes:

"I persistently hesitate" - no, you don't. constantly, continually, repeatedly.


"Bless a boy believed
to be better off below
the social scene
and then I'll believe
that you're not make belief,
that you're not made for grief." - first of all, it's make believe, not belief. and that brings the believe count for this stanza up to three. consider revising. not the first line though, that shit's awesome. keep believe there. maybe just change the second believe.


good work yo
-mateo

[TheObserver]

Thanks man

[a speedo model]

it's very good.