I'm Sick Inside

[so_far_gone]

this song is more along the line of a story and it's very clear what i'm sayin in the song it's somewhat old but whatever most of my stuff is old...

he came over in his car
he asked if i saw you
i told him i might know where you are
so i hopped in his car
and we drove off to look for you
we went walkin and talkin
and made connection
next thing i know
he leaned in and kissed me

and now i'm sick inside
and i feel so ashamed
that i haved lied
and i cant believe what i have done
i'm sick inside

i see you in the hallway
and it makes me so mad
that he deceived me
and now you're kissing
i cry when it happens
and it makes me want to scream
out loud in this crowd

and now i'm sick inside
and i feel so ashamed
that i have lied
and i cant believe what i have done
i'm sick inside

people talkin and laughin
havin a good time
while you're cryin
and i'm writtin
and now you know

that i'm sick inside
and i feel so ashamed
that i have lied
and i cant believe what i have done
i'm sick inside
and i'm sorry for what i did
i'm sick inside

there now i said it
and i'm sayin it again
pass it on
here's your letter
please read it
'cause i'm sick inside
for kissin a guy that loves you...

[Blared]

Avoid using the same word twice in the same verse. I stopped there.

[theMATEOlife]

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[punkpixie]

This poem is about as common as people catching herpes after having sex with you. The rhyme scheme is so contrived and clumsy I almost tripped over it. By the way, if you're sick inside after kissing this person, imagine how bad he feels after having to kiss your dumbass mouth. Maybe next time you will choke on his tongue.

[Tarni]

too repetitive......

[de la sympathie]

oh, wow, my eyes... what in the world WAS that?

[ArTkY_]

Well, it sucked. Balls. GTFO

[neon_eyeliner77]

It was okay for a rough draft sort of thing, but you should try using a thesaurus and metaphors, personification, similes, things like that. Simple can be good, but too simple could be a death sentence.


Keep it up but don't forget to put effort. Not so much thought, just emotion and care.