Red

[Whowolf]

I'm crippled and defeated
I mend this broken heart
The Streetlight on the corner
burns out tonight

I'm Red
I'm Mad
I'm Cold
I'm Sick
Somebody Save Me

used and confused
frustration sets in
give me a second chance
to let you in

I'm Red
I'm Pissed
I'm Angry
I'm Unstoppable
Somebody Save Me

Crippled and Defeated
Used and Confused
I'm Broken
Turn The Lights Out

[The Personist]

Riddled with cliches. Also, you do a lot of telling as opposed to showing.

[Duexy]

oh.

[Misstamara]

orange.

[BryterJonah]

:puke:

Just awful. I'm sorry, but seriously get over yourself. You're not crippled, nor is it likely you know shit about being crippled.

This is just god awful. And I take back my sorry.

[Whowolf]

:puke:

Just awful. I'm sorry, but seriously get over yourself. You're not crippled, nor is it likely you know shit about being crippled.

This is just god awful. And I take back my sorry.

it was not meant to be literal.

[BryterJonah]

I meant crippled in both senses.

[newtothis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OT_SlO-M2g

your poem reminds me of this. Not a great thing. Sorry.

[thespearkid]

I'm Blue
I'm Sad
I'm hungry
I'm disappointed
I'm bored

[The Personist]

I almost called the thing I just posted "Red", but I realized I'd be plagiarizing from this fine work of art's title.

[Whowolf]

Riddled with cliches. Also, you do a lot of telling as opposed to showing.

you say this every time , please tell me what I am doing wrong

[newtothis]

Look, when you write a piece a poetry, the first rule is that you don't want to be cliche. Try to think of new ways to say what you are trying to say. Think outside the box. Instead of just telling us you are crippled and defeated, try to think of new ways to say this, that still get the point across. I would advise you to take a look at Wole Soyinka's, "Telephone Booth." If you have a chance, look at how he uses simple images to make a huge point. Think about the way he doesn't tell us exactly how he is feeling; yet, by the end, you know exactly where his feelings lie. More poets you should check out and look to for how to fix your poetry: Billy Collins' "Flames" or even John Ashbery's "Illustration." The second is really hard to find online, but it is worth searching for. Trust me.

[Whowolf]

truth is this was suppose to be a song lol

[newtothis]

If you hope to write good lyrics then, these rules still apply.

[The Personist]

you say this every time , please tell me what I am doing wrong

i told you the first time. I can't really say with 100% certainty what you're doing wrong; I can show you where you're making the mistakes. Look back at the other pieces I've commented on. Think about how everything you've said has already been said by someone else. Honestly, it's not even cliches that are your biggest problem. You need to be more specific. A song that just says "I am angry" is a bad song. Metalcore bands like Darkest Hour (for instance) don't just say "I'M SO FUCKING PISSED RAHHH"; rather, they are angry at something in particular--society, in that case. They are criticizing certain parts of society. You should not just tell us your emotions. Even the most maudlin of confessional poetry--"Lady Lazarus" and "Daddy" by Sylvia Plath come to mind--does not deal with this kind of infantile device. You need to have something to say that's worth saying and say it in a way that doesn't make you sound like you're ripping off other bands or ripping off anything.

I don't even know where to begin...Just...Read Robert Frost. Read T. S. Eliot. Read poetry. Looking at pop-punk song lyrics will not make you a good poet. You need to read if you want to transcend mediocrity.

[The Personist]

Look, when you write a piece a poetry, the first rule is that you don't want to be cliche. Try to think of new ways to say what you are trying to say. Think outside the box. Instead of just telling us you are crippled and defeated, try to think of new ways to say this, that still get the point across. I would advise you to take a look at Wole Soyinka's, "Telephone Booth." If you have a chance, look at how he uses simple images to make a huge point. Think about the way he doesn't tell us exactly how he is feeling; yet, by the end, you know exactly where his feelings lie. More poets you should check out and look to for how to fix your poetry: Billy Collins' "Flames" or even John Ashbery's "Illustration." The second is really hard to find online, but it is worth searching for. Trust me.

I adore Wole Soyinka. I think African poetry is fascinating. They approach everything totally differently.

[newtothis]

I adore Wole Soyinka. I think African poetry is fascinating. They approach everything totally differently.

I absolutely agree. "Telephone Conversation" is one of my personal favorites. The style is so incredible. I mean, just the way he uses words... Sylvia Plath is on my yes list as well. "Lady Lazarus" is so beautiful and rich and full of so much meaning! Have you ever read any James Wright? If not, start with his famous one, "Autumn begins in Martins Ferry, Ohio." So good.

[The Personist]

I absolutely agree. "Telephone Conversation" is one of my personal favorites. The style is so incredible. I mean, just the way he uses words... Sylvia Plath is on my yes list as well. "Lady Lazarus" is so beautiful and rich and full of so much meaning! Have you ever read any James Wright? If not, start with his famous one, "Autumn begins in Martins Ferry, Ohio." So good.

I'll look Wright up. I'm very ambivalent about Plath, mostly because of how maudlin the Holocaust imagery is. It's unnecessary and offensive to think that any personal pain could even touch the unspeakable horror that the Jews went through. Bad form for that, though I will say that her less brutal poems--"Morning Song" in particular is one of my favorites--are well done. She's very precise and clear in her language.

As long as we're recommending poets, I'm going to throw Hart Crane onto the table. Have you read him? If not, you absolutely must. He is one of the most brilliant of all writers, in my opinion. He's incredibly dense, but he's so powerful and beautiful--read "The Bridge." Amazing--more powerful, even, than "The Waste Land," I think. Though a shorter starting point would be "My Grandmother's Love Letters," which is perhaps one of my all-time favorite poems. Are you familiar with Elizabeth Bishop? Read "The Bight" if you're not, or even if you are. It's just an amazing poem.

I've taken a break from reading poetry, actually, so I can force my way through The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand--dreadful book, but I hate leaving things unfinished--but as soon as I finish, I'm going to do a lot of reading. I'll make sure Wright is on top of the list.

I don't want to hijack this thread with talk of poets, but if you want to continue the discussion, I'd be more than happy. I've got a lot of opinions and a lot of passion when it comes to poetry.

[BryterJonah]

These recs made this thread worthwhile.

[fishingthe_sky]

I adore Wole Soyinka. I think African poetry is fascinating. They approach everything totally differently.

I absolutely agree. "Telephone Conversation" is one of my personal favorites. The style is so incredible. I mean, just the way he uses words... Sylvia Plath is on my yes list as well. "Lady Lazarus" is so beautiful and rich and full of so much meaning! Have you ever read any James Wright? If not, start with his famous one, "Autumn begins in Martins Ferry, Ohio." So good.
Yusef Komunyakaa - my current favorite African American poet, as long as we're on the subject.

Plus, I just wanted to get in on what is the hottest thread in the forum right now.

[fishingthe_sky]

I'll look Wright up. I'm very ambivalent about Plath, mostly because of how maudlin the Holocaust imagery is. It's unnecessary and offensive to think that any personal pain could even touch the unspeakable horror that the Jews went through. Bad form for that, though I will say that her less brutal poems--"Morning Song" in particular is one of my favorites--are well done. She's very precise and clear in her language.

As long as we're recommending poets, I'm going to throw Hart Crane onto the table. Have you read him? If not, you absolutely must. He is one of the most brilliant of all writers, in my opinion. He's incredibly dense, but he's so powerful and beautiful--read "The Bridge." Amazing--more powerful, even, than "The Waste Land," I think. Though a shorter starting point would be "My Grandmother's Love Letters," which is perhaps one of my all-time favorite poems. Are you familiar with Elizabeth Bishop? Read "The Bight" if you're not, or even if you are. It's just an amazing poem.

Plath's insensitivity is partly due to the culture in which she's writing. It was insensitive then, but I would argue much less so than it's seen now. Remember, our beloved Eliot had a bit of antisemitism in him, too. I'm not trying to justify its use by any means; I'm just saying that it's not a central theme to her entire body of work, and it shouldn't really be something that should deter you that much from a good poet.

"The Bridge" more powerful than "The Waste Land"? Wow. I don't know if I've ever heard someone say that about Crane... ever. Hahaha, not a bad thing, though.

[The Personist]

Yusef Komunyakaa - my current favorite African American poet, as long as we're on the subject.

Plus, I just wanted to get in on what is the hottest thread in the forum right now.

Komunyakaa is excellent.

I'm going to disregard what i said about not hijacking this thread and instead provide more poets to look up:

Walt Whitman is perhaps the greatest of all free verse poets. He didn't invent it, but he damn well did with it what no one has done since. It seems almost silly to recommend Whitman to people who read poetry, but sometimes you forget your roots. He and Eliot are the reason I'm into poetry, though Whitman got me most of the way before Eliot sealed the deal.

Wallace Stevens quickly has become one of my favorites these past few months. It's hard for me to express why or how; he's just brilliant.

Louise Gluck is a more recent poet, but everyone should read her book The Wild Iris. It's a sequence of free verse that explores the relationship between man, nature, and God--by giving man, nature, and God all different voices. It's really hard to explain, but incredibly worth the time and money.

William Butler Yeats. Nuff said.

And, just for good measure: Keats, Coleridge, Wordsworth, Shelley, Byron, Blake. The Big Six of Romantic poetry, and also six of the greatest poets ever to put pen to page. Their style may be a bit outdated, but the spirit they embody is something we could definitely use more of these days.

[The Personist]

I think I'll make a new thread so we don't spam this one.

[fishingthe_sky]

Komunyakaa is excellent.

I'm going to disregard what i said about not hijacking this thread and instead provide more poets to look up:

Walt Whitman is perhaps the greatest of all free verse poets. He didn't invent it, but he damn well did with it what no one has done since. It seems almost silly to recommend Whitman to people who read poetry, but sometimes you forget your roots. He and Eliot are the reason I'm into poetry, though Whitman got me most of the way before Eliot sealed the deal.

Wallace Stevens quickly has become one of my favorites these past few months. It's hard for me to express why or how; he's just brilliant.

Louise Gluck is a more recent poet, but everyone should read her book The Wild Iris. It's a sequence of free verse that explores the relationship between man, nature, and God--by giving man, nature, and God all different voices. It's really hard to explain, but incredibly worth the time and money.

William Butler Yeats. Nuff said.

And, just for good measure: Keats, Coleridge, Wordsworth, Shelley, Byron, Blake. The Big Six of Romantic poetry, and also six of the greatest poets ever to put pen to page. Their style may be a bit outdated, but the spirit they embody is something we could definitely use more of these days.
Not enough people read Gwendolyn Brooks' earlier work. It's on par with the work of the early Modernists with her verse construction and allusive tendencies.

Marianne Moore's always a safe bet. Paul Muldoon is perhaps the best contemporary poet right now. Robert Pinsky does some great work, too. Sherman Alexie's not bad, though I think he's a better prose writer. Donald Justice is worth checking out. Saul Williams (yes, Saul Williams) is actually a fantastic poet, though keep in mind it comes from the slam poetry tradition. Contemporary Japanese poetry, when you can find it in English translation, is also very interesting - they have wild ideas.

The Romantics are good, but 6 of the best ever good? No way. Coleridge was the best of the bunch, he deserves top billing, but certainly not all of them.

[The Personist]

Not enough people read Gwendolyn Brooks' earlier work. It's on par with the work of the early Modernists with her verse construction and allusive tendencies.

Marianne Moore's always a safe bet. Paul Muldoon is perhaps the best contemporary poet right now. Robert Pinsky does some great work, too. Sherman Alexie's not bad, though I think he's a better prose writer. Donald Justice is worth checking out. Saul Williams (yes, Saul Williams) is actually a fantastic poet, though keep in mind it comes from the slam poetry tradition. Contemporary Japanese poetry, when you can find it in English translation, is also very interesting - they have wild ideas.

The Romantics are good, but 6 of the best ever good? No way. Coleridge was the best of the bunch, he deserves top billing, but certainly not all of them.

I beg to differ. I'm not as familiar with Wordsworth as I am with the rest of them, but I find Byron and Shelley to be the most talented by far. I think each has his own distinct offerings. I would totally put the six of them on a best of list. Maybe on a top 100 poets list, but they all deserve mention.

You've mentioned Brooks before. I've read it, and I like it. Marianne Moore is great, and I am woefully underversed in Muldoon. Pinksy is quite good as well.

I made a thread specifically for this so as to not hijack this one; let's move discussion into there.

[screamoutmyname]

music mends broken hearts

[fishingthe_sky]

music mends broken hearts
Poetry mends broken souls.

[zion the lion]

I love the path this thread took.

[screamoutmyname]

Poetry mends broken souls.

jack shepard mends broken spines

[The Personist]

jack shepard mends broken spines

House mends broken immune systems.

[fishingthe_sky]

jack shepard mends broken spines

House mends broken immune systems.
John Dorian mends broken funny bones.

[YoMusicSoFat]

Just write out all the literary devices you can think of at the top of your page and then check them off as you write: assonance, alliterartion, metaphors, similies, oxymorons, sibbalance, dialect, speech, varied punctuation and stanzas, rhyme, pentameter and iamic pentameter especially for lyrics.

[townie88]

change a few things and you could have something i reckon