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View Full Version : Some New Poems (please comment)


..: Loki :..
12/28/05, 01:22 PM
"Once Upon a Mattress"
I'll plead through-out my dreams tonight:
> to bid you a (semi)fond farwell
> For I know you'll never change

Always the same
Always a flake

And as I walk tonight
The sky above me looks like patchwork;
As if I reached up and tugged at it, it would become unseemed
And so I did

When I reached up I parted the clouds
and ripped a hole in the sky
> so that the stars could spill out
Littering this vast wasteland

That we lie across
like falling stars falling
> toward the dirt laiden earth below our bodies
And as we plumet
I'll hold you close in my arms
> until your flesh melts into mine

Then I wake up http://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gifhttp://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gifhttp://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/s.gif

"And the night seem to stretch on forever"
I'm tired,
My eyes are heavy,
And the night seems to stretch on forever

THe sky is bright on the lonely night,
And the air is cold
> My muscles ache,
> My mind trembles,
And the night seems to stretch on froever

My words bleed through mt teeth,
> and fumble out from between my lips
I'm carrying on conversations with myself to not go crazy
And the night seems to stretch on forever

I'm going home,
I'm going nowhere at all
And the night seems to stretch on forever

Scott Irvine
12/28/05, 03:36 PM
Nighttime starlit metaphors get old.

lfdfforever
12/28/05, 08:05 PM
i think its pretty good

Tarni
12/28/05, 10:54 PM
wow, i think it sounds awesome;)

neon_eyeliner77
12/30/05, 02:28 AM
i like this one.

ArTkY_
12/30/05, 12:53 PM
The whole theme seems overdone... it would be good if everyone hadn't used to same metaphors over and over...

what I mean is that it lacks originality, but other than that its ok.