i don't usually post my stuff

[dancetheplank]

I usually just keep it to myself, but I kind of want feedback.

Roses are red in spite of it all
Violet bruises she didn't recall
Sometimes perfection is better with flaws
Couldn't get Time to stop
But we got her to stall

We're running on empty
and nobody cares
'Cause it's not where you're going
It's how you get there
Late nights in living rooms
and the songs you would sing
Empty words even you didn't believe
You couldn't even look at me

He said he forgot where he was supposed to belong
They're dancing on stage but the rhythm's all wrong
Sleepless at night 'cause the dreams last too long
I timed it just right
But you were already gone



Let me know what you think.

[bootsydan]

I liked this line:

Sometimes perfection is better with flaws

However I also think you could come up with much better lines around it to make that line even stronger. The rest wasn't very grabbing.

[dancetheplank]

I liked this line:

Sometimes perfection is better with flaws

However I also think you could come up with much better lines around it to make that line even stronger. The rest wasn't very grabbing.


Thank you for the feedback! That's pretty much what I think of everything I write...I write one pretty decent line and then a bunch of filler.

I appreciate you taking time to read and comment.

[xhandgunxheart]

Roses are red in spite of it all
Violet bruises she didn't recall
Sometimes perfection is better with flaws

I really liked those lines. The rest felt forced to me. Like, some of the rhymes seemed like they weren't the word you wanted to say, but you said it because it rhymed.

[dancetheplank]

Roses are red in spite of it all
Violet bruises she didn't recall
Sometimes perfection is better with flaws

I really liked those lines. The rest felt forced to me. Like, some of the rhymes seemed like they weren't the word you wanted to say, but you said it because it rhymed.


You're right about the rhymes, originally much of this didn't rhyme at all.

I have to work on the tendency I have of being able to write one good line and not following it up with anything impressive.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it's cool to see someone else's take on my writing.

[The Personist]

You're right about the rhymes, originally much of this didn't rhyme at all.

I have to work on the tendency I have of being able to write one good line and not following it up with anything impressive.

Thank you for reading and commenting, it's cool to see someone else's take on my writing.

Suggestion: write a bunch of things like that--good lines with lots of filler--then take the good lines and fashion them all into something. Sometimes that's what I have to do to get over writers' block. Just try it; you might be surprised with what you end up with.

[drewxmagid]

First three lines were cool, the rest of the rhymes were boring and pretty typical. Try to thing of ways to say what you want to without using the same cliche stuff that's already been done 1000 times over