Old Electric Tree (Street Lamp)

[matt_rawlings]

Old Electric Tree (Street Lamp)


Ezekiel cracked my jaw and laid it out
Binding twine and timber to my doubts
The honeyed hues push past my teeth
Blooming softness of the spring
Sailing smooth on past the storm inside my mouth

Now as the night still leads me on
The dulcet dreams I wander through
If you stay sober just for me
I’ll be beautiful for you

I’ll be beautiful for you

The blinking bright of all those old electric trees
Restless wires that hum through everything
A neon valley filled with bones
Some plastic bags and TV remotes
Looming lofty as I scramble to my feet

Now as the night still holds me in
The tangled thoughts I tumble through
If you stay strong enough for me
I’ll be beautiful for you

I’ll be beautiful for you

[The Personist]

Old Electric Tree (Street Lamp)


Ezekiel cracked my jaw and laid it out
Binding twine and timber to my doubts
The honeyed hues that brush my teeth
Blooming softness of the spring
Sailing smooth on past the storm inside my mouth
I love the first two lines. They're fantastic. The third line, though, seems a bit forced with the alliteration, and the "brush my teeth" thing makes me giggle a little bit. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for, but it just seems silly and unnecessary. "blooming" and "spring" are cliche, at least in their association to one another, and I think you could do better to conjure this image without resorting thusly to cliches. The last line feels cliche, though i can't put my finger on why. Perhaps I'm just paranoid. I like the idea of a storm inside your mouth.


Now as the night still leads me on
The dulcet dreams I wander through
If you stay sober just for me
I’ll be beautiful for you

I’ll be beautiful for you
Not sure how I feel about "dulcet dreams," especially after there was a storm inside your mouth just seconds ago. Night leading you on, as well as wandering through dreams, are considered to be cliches. I'm not going to touch those last two lines, since they hit me in the right spot--I can identify exactly.

The blinking bright of all those old electric trees
Restless wires that hum through everything
A neon valley filled with bones
Some plastic bags and TV remotes
Looming lofty as I scramble to my feet

Mmmm...I like "restless wires," and I think it's the best part of this stanza. "Blinking bright" is OK, and "old electric trees" creates an interesting dichotomy between nature and man's manufactured world. Perhaps you could flesh this out, or play with it a little more? "Looming lofty" feels a bit awkward, and scrambling to your feet has been done before. You're good, and I know you can find a better way to say that.

Now as the night still holds me in
The tangled thoughts I tumble through
If you stay strong enough for me
I’ll be beautiful for you

I’ll be beautiful for you
I love the juxtaposition of this with the first chorus. Unfortunately, this does not end as strongly as the first; staying strong for someone is a cliche and there are far better ways to express it. I know, based on the other stuff of yours I've read (that you posted here awhile back) that you can find a better, stronger, and more interesting way to say this.

In general, I'm also curious as to how the choruses and the verses are related. The verses, even, don't seem that connected. I love the Ezekiel reference in the first one, but after you create such tension, you jump into a chorus that, while I enjoyed it, is rather cliche and distracts from the lovely imagery you had before. Then you comment on society, and after dishing on this dystopia, you go back to the cheesy love song. Is there a way, perhaps, to link these all together? In general, I think this was good, and with a little work could be lifted into greatness. Well done.

[matt_rawlings]

The verses are dreams. The Choruses are waking up.

It is a love song in the same sense that the album 'Ringleader of the Tourmenters' is a love album about Rome. It's essentially how I have two recurring dreams, one set in the past and one in the future and both are filled with this conflicting imagery.

I don't want to go too far into it, but essentially it is a love song about the night, and all that comes with it. Yes, the dreams sound obtuse and strange. The first verse isn't about building tension. It isn't morbid. Eziekiel was a prophet, and the storm inside my mouth is avoided. It's about seeing all these marvelous things and waking up with this feeling of awe.

Finding consolation in the night (as well as getting lost) is very much a recurring theme for me

[The Personist]

The verses are dreams. The Choruses are waking up.

It is a love song in the same sense that the album 'Ringleader of the Tourmenters' is a love album about Rome. It's essentially how I have two recurring dreams, one set in the past and one in the future and both are filled with this conflicting imagery.

I don't want to go too far into it, but essentially it is a love song about the night, and all that comes with it. Yes, the dreams sound obtuse and strange. The first verse isn't about building tension. It isn't morbid. Eziekiel was a prophet, and the storm inside my mouth is avoided. It's about seeing all these marvelous things and waking up with this feeling of awe.

Finding consolation in the night (as well as getting lost) is very much a recurring theme for me

I think you could clarify the dream idea, then, because I did not pick up on it in reading it.

[matt_rawlings]

I think you could clarify the dream idea, then, because I did not pick up on it in reading it.

Okey dokey. I also just noticed the 'Brushing Teeth' part, which is a hilarous typo

[The Personist]

Okey dokey. I also just noticed the 'Brushing Teeth' part, which is a hilarous typo

I hope you didn't think I was trying to disparage your work or anything; I liked the imagery. The Ezekiel thing, like I said, was fantastic, and you've got a great base from which to build this up. If you're willing, I want to see the revisions when you're done.

[townie88]

cool song