Untitled Poem...

[Mike Smith]

Constructive criticism please? I wrote this to my girlfriend and gave it to her today. Please don't be too harsh, but be constructive.

Untitled:

Destined to be lovers,
Our sparks unite

All because we met,
On that fateful night

Our two hearts now,
Intwine into one

Now that our journey,
Has finally begun

Theres a long road ahead,
So lets keep our heads high

Even when our emotions,
Have been bled dry

Lets stay together,
Till the end of time

So I can always say,
That you are mine

[newtothis]

cute. haha. I like this. I feel like there is more you can do with it though. For instance, try not to make the rhymes sound too forced (i.e: unite, night...time, mine, etc.) To be honest, I like the portions that don't rhyme more. They sound less contrived and more heart felt.

[Mike Smith]

cute. haha. I like this. I feel like there is more you can do with it though. For instance, try not to make the rhymes sound too forced (i.e: unite, night...time, mine, etc.) To be honest, I like the portions that don't rhyme more. They sound less contrived and more heart felt.

Thanks :]

I'm glad someone likes it. Cause i'm sure i'll be getting people who have constructive criticism that isnt so nice soon lol

[The Personist]

Constructive criticism please? I wrote this to my girlfriend and gave it to her today. Please don't be too harsh, but be constructive.

Untitled:

Destined to be lovers,
Our sparks unite

All because we met,
On that fateful night

Our two hearts now,
Intwine into one

Now that our journey,
Has finally begun

Theres a long road ahead,
So lets keep our heads high

Even when our emotions,
Have been bled dry

Lets stay together,
Till the end of time

So I can always say,
That you are mine

It's cute, but it's very, very, very cliche. All your devices have been used before. Try approaching your love affair from a new, different standpoint. Otherwise, this comes across as something I've already seen, and I'm not that interested.

[Mike Smith]

It's cute, but it's very, very, very cliche. All your devices have been used before. Try approaching your love affair from a new, different standpoint. Otherwise, this comes across as something I've already seen, and I'm not that interested.

Thanks, glad you think it's cute. I expanded it a little bit, but i dont want to post the expanded version on here, as it makes it even more cliche. I guess i'm just stuck in the whole early stage of poetry, and when i write it's always cliche, so i need to look up new ways to approach things such as writing poetry about love.

I'm not 100% sure how to approach these types of things without being cliche, but i think eventually i'll get posting stuff on here thats not cliche anymore as i progress as a poet.

[The Personist]

Thanks, glad you think it's cute. I expanded it a little bit, but i dont want to post the expanded version on here, as it makes it even more cliche. I guess i'm just stuck in the whole early stage of poetry, and when i write it's always cliche, so i need to look up new ways to approach things such as writing poetry about love.

I'm not 100% sure how to approach these types of things without being cliche, but i think eventually i'll get posting stuff on here thats not cliche anymore as i progress as a poet.

Thankfully, there is a thread JUST for that sort of poetic progression. Check out the "Poetry Recommendations" thread in here that I made a few days ago. Should be a good place to start.

[newtothis]

Thankfully, there is a thread JUST for that sort of poetic progression. Check out the "Poetry Recommendations" thread in here that I made a few days ago. Should be a good place to start.

Haha. I love how randomly that thread popped up, but it is so good for a resource center.

[Mike Smith]

Thankfully, there is a thread JUST for that sort of poetic progression. Check out the "Poetry Recommendations" thread in here that I made a few days ago. Should be a good place to start.

Ok, i think i read that earlier, but i shall check it out again. I'm sure if i read poetry by those poets and get a feel for how they write and dont use cliche's often (if at all), then i might have a better concept on how to write my poetry in a less direct, cliche manner.