Need help? Yes, they do.

[newtothis]

so, for any feminists out there, I'm not sorry. This is a reflection of my own personal experience. I myself am a woman, so don't make too many assumptions. Haha. Seriously though, please don't use this thread to throw out your political opinions. I just want criticism please.



I don’t understand
The pathological needs
Of the species: feminist.
Fingers outstretched to all
Infected with testosterone.
“Help me see equality!”
Aid stretches. “No!
Slap it away!
“I can do it myself!”
Beguiling smiles that say,
“Touch me and you’re dead.
But if you don’t, I’ll kill you anyway.”
Flirt with expectations,
Connive in the guilt of the chivalrous,
Make a web, visible and deadly all the same.
Never satisfied with the ensnared.
Equivalent pay?
“We can do all the same work!”
The draft?
“Are you serious? I’ll die!
Douche! I can’t fight like a man!”
Expecting
Wanting
Taking
Never content. Validation?
“We don’t need that…do we?”
Pathological? Yes.
They are.

[thespearkid]

The last twelve lines could be cut. They're not on the same level as the rest of it. I have to say, you have a knack for cleverness. I rather like this piece. I can see that it's going to hold a very interesting place for me when I think about your work (not a favorite, not a failure, but a nice novelty).

[newtothis]

Not on the same level, eh? Hmm. YOU'RE A MAN! YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Haha, just kidding. thanks.

[thespearkid]

Before you revise it, make me a sandwich and get me some coffee. Two sugars.

[newtothis]

...

[The Personist]

If you ended with "feminist," the poem would be funnier and more interesting. I know what you're talking about from square one, so it doesn't hold me as nicely as ending with the summary statement of "I don't fucking get those bra-burning bitches." (I'm kidding, of course).

Get back to the kitchen.

[thespearkid]

newtothis and I had an English class this past semester that was supposed to teach us the different forms of literary criticism and help us put them into practice by reading different pieces. The professor, who is amazing, is a huge feminist and a lot of the class followed suit with her and newtothis and I have very little tolerance for feminists. About half of the pieces we read in the class were feminist influenced and even the ones that weren't were turned into feminists pieces by certain classmates of ours haha.

[newtothis]

End with feminist? I'll consider it. Boys. YOU go back to the kitchen! Jerks...

[fishingthe_sky]

I agree that the last 12 lines are unnecessary. I'm also on the fence about the dialogue in general. I don't know, it just isn't doing it for me here.

Feminism is a funny sort of thing. Like most -isms, it's rooted in a solid principle but has been mutated into a dirty word. Bitches be crazy, as a friend of mine would say, but what the origins of the movement stood for were vital and necessary. If you're interested in some feminism that's actually enlightening, read Simone de Beauvoir, Helene Cixous, and Julia Kristeva. Most of their writings are from a literary stand point and avoid the sweeping radical generalizations and moronic comments that you so often find coming from feminists.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simone_de_Beauvoir)

[The Personist]

I agree that the last 12 lines are unnecessary. I'm also on the fence about the dialogue in general. I don't know, it just isn't doing it for me here.

Feminism is a funny sort of thing. Like most -isms, it's rooted in a solid principle but has been mutated into a dirty word. Bitches be crazy, as a friend of mine would say, but what the origins of the movement stood for were vital and necessary. If you're interested in some feminism that's actually enlightening, read Simone de Beauvoir, Helene Cixous, and Julia Kristeva. Most of their writings are from a literary stand point and avoid the sweeping radical generalizations and moronic comments that you so often find coming from feminists.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simone_de_Beauvoir)

Good taste in poetry AND good taste in feminist literature? Too good to be true. You must be a robot.

[newtothis]

Like I said before, I'm not completely opposed to feminism. Like thespearkid said before, I've just been exposed to a lot of "would-be" feminists who don't really know what they are talking about. To them, everything is feminist in someway. This poem is more about the would-be's who can't seem to make up their minds about anything.
I'll add the good feminists to my reading list though. Right now I'm trudging through Vanity Fair. Personally, I don't think it is all it is cracked up to be. But I'll finish it just the same. After that, I have some George Eliot planned. But after her! haha, I 'll get to the feminist literature.

I'll keep in mind what you said about the last 12 lines. Thanks guys.

[fishingthe_sky]

Good taste in poetry AND good taste in feminist literature? Too good to be true. You must be a robot.
Literary android, actually.

[newtothis]

Revision. I tried to take your critiques and see if I could make this better-ish. So here it is:

I don’t understand
The pathological needs
Of the species: The would be.
Fingers outstretched to all
Infected with that strange ailment:
Testosterone.
“Help me see equal opportunity!”
Aid stretches. “No!”
Slapped away.
“I can do it myself!”
Beguiling smiles that say,
“Touch me and you’re dead.
But if you don’t, I’ll kill you anyway.”
Flirt with expectations,
Connive in the guilt of the chivalrous,
Make a web, visible and deadly all the same.
Pretending to be the ensnared,
They eject a spray of neurotoxic poison.
Inflicting necrosis to the psyches
Of any who deign
To join their movement,
Because, even they do not truly appreciate,
The true meaning of what they want.
Expecting.
Wanting .
Taking .
Never content. Validation?
“We don’t need that…do we?”
Pathological? Yes.
They are.
The Species?
Feminist.

[newtothis]

Anyone? This is the revision, so it IS different.

[thespearkid]

Revision. I tried to take your critiques and see if I could make this better-ish. So here it is:

I don’t understand
The pathological needs
Of the species: The would be.
Fingers outstretched to all
Infected with that strange ailment:
Testosterone.
“Help me see equal opportunity!”
Aid stretches. “No!”
Slapped away.
“I can do it myself!”
Beguiling smiles that say,
“Touch me and you’re dead.
But if you don’t, I’ll kill you anyway.”
Flirt with expectations,
Connive in the guilt of the chivalrous,
Make a web, visible and deadly all the same.
Pretending to be the ensnared,
They eject a spray of neurotoxic poison.
Inflicting necrosis to the psyches
Of any who deign
To join their movement,
Because, even they do not truly appreciate,
The true meaning of what they want.
Expecting.
Wanting .
Taking .
Never content. Validation?
“We don’t need that…do we?”
Pathological? Yes.
They are.
The Species?
Feminist.


Hm. Since you're not introducing that you're talking about feminists until the last line now, I would suggest you edit the body a little more because at this point, your reader is basically reading an entire poem without knowing what they're reading about. Then, they'd have to go back again, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something that makes the poem harder to comprehend.

[The Personist]

I think cutting a bit would help. If you go from "The true meaning of what they want" to "Validation? We don't need that...do we?" and then "The species? Feminist," this would be far more effective.

thespearkid also makes an excellent point.

[newtothis]

Thanks.

[fishingthe_sky]

Interestingly, in your new revision, I find that everything from line 14 on could be the entirety of the poem and would still convey everything that is present in the first 13. The lines that aren't dialogue are stronger than the dialogue, which tend to be rather general, and thus weakening the overall strength of the lines. I can't help but wonder what power lies in this piece should you remove the quotation marks around those lines, too. What I mean is that as a female writing about feminism, there's a lot of power in having there be one voice in this poem, rather than the voices of the feminists and the voice of the poet. Consolidation on the subject makes the criticism much more biting. I also feel like perhaps giving us the subject of the poem explicitly denies you the opportunity to make it strongly implicit. Haha I'm surprised Artful didn't say you were showing us (friendly little jab) instead of telling us, because that's exactly what you're doing.