Writing prompt week 1

[fishingthe_sky]

Since MikeSmith started a poetry discussion thread, I figured I should start that poetry prompt thread I mentioned months ago. Basically, I'll come up with a prompt for writing a poem. All you have to do is follow the few directions in the prompt. Everyone is encouraged to try and post what you come up with.

Hopefully, this will be a great exercise for everyone.


Prompt

Write a poem that consists of 10 lines of iambic tetrameter, using the word leave once in the last line. Rhyming is not necessary, but is certainly not discouraged if you want to use it. Also, while the dominate foot must be the iamb, you do not have to use strictly iambs.

For those who don't know, the iamb is a poetic foot that consists of one unnaccented syllable followed by one accented syllable. Some examples include: away, unclean, aside, delay, the noun. Tetrameter is a line that has four feet in it. An example of an iambic tetrameter (broken up to show the iambs):
Thy soul,/ the fixed/ foot makes/ no show
To move,/ but doth,/ if th' oth/er do
-John Donne "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning"

Good Luck!

[The Personist]

Question: Are we posting the responses to the prompt in this thread, or as their own threads for critique?

[fishingthe_sky]

EDIT: Hmmmm. In this thread to keep them all together. Good question.

[bootsydan]

Cool I was wondering what happened to this idea. Should be difficult writing something I have no idea how to write haha.

Also, I personally think peoples responses should go in this thread - just so they don't get muddled in with all the other stuff and lost.

[thespearkid]

I'll have to do one tomorrow.

[fishingthe_sky]

Cool I was wondering what happened to this idea. Should be difficult writing something I have no idea how to write haha.

Also, I personally think peoples responses should go in this thread - just so they don't get muddled in with all the other stuff and lost.
I was thinking for the sake of critiquing it would be easier to have them separated, but yeah, that would get confusing, so they should be posted here.

[newtothis]

I saw the death of my old self.
It was a splendid single slash
Of ecstasy. I bled offense
And drops of sin fled down my wrists.
That would-be phoenix risen up,
A new creation twinkles forth,
From Hell’s own ashy, onyx stair.
The eyes, so new and white, they sing,
“To God from whom all blessings flow”
And leave in Hell the corpse, to rot.

ArtfullyAborted (http://www.absolutepunk.net/member.php?u=180830) vbmenu_register("postmenu_43208072", true);
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We decided to post them in the writing prompt thread. But I'm like whateva.

I really enjoy the idea and the image. I also am partial to the word "ecstasy," so I enjoyed that. Your enjambment there, from line two to three, is also quite good. "Ashy, onyx stair" is so cool. I dunno what else to say. I think this is really good.

[thespearkid]

My father posted all his checks
In frames around the house so when
His children grew to be adults
We'd know if we'd improved. Although
The check's amounts would drift between
Offensive and a little low,
He'd hang them all the same. And now
That he is nearing elder years,
I try to hide his shame from guests
Like leaves would hide an aging tree.

[newtothis]

do we put criticisms on this thread too?

[fishingthe_sky]

do we put criticisms on this thread too?
Yes. It might get a little crazy, but if it gets out of hand we can decide if we want to move things out of the thread. Sorry for not making all of this clearer, guys.

[fishingthe_sky]

I saw the death of my old self.
It was a splendid single slash
Of ecstasy. I bled offense
And drops of sin fled down my wrists.
That would-be phoenix risen up,
A new creation twinkles forth,
From Hell’s own ashy, onyx stair.
The eyes, so new and white, they sing,
“To God from whom all blessings flow”
And leave in Hell the corpse, to rot.
"That would-be phoenix risen up" is a fantastic example of the meter. I was worried that it wouldn't scan, but it's perfect. I also like the reappearance of the onyx stair; I'm a fan of recurrent motifs. This piece reminds me of an older generation of poetry in a good way. My only criticism would be the metaphor of blood=sin, which feels a bit hackneyed to me. You do complement it nicely with the second to last line, though.

[fishingthe_sky]

My father posted all his checks
In frames around the house so when
His children grew to be adults
We'd know if we'd improved. Although
The check's amounts would drift between
Offensive and a little low,
He'd hang them all the same. And now
That he is nearing elder years,
I try to hide his shame from guests
Like leaves would hide an aging tree.
This is a quality poem with a nice focus; the idea here is a powerful one. I thought "Offensive and a little low" wasn't in meter, since usually "and a" is a phrase that is two unstressed syllables, but it works. The image in the last two lines is fantastic. Great job.

[thespearkid]

This is a quality poem with a nice focus; the idea here is a powerful one. I thought "Offensive and a little low" wasn't in meter, since usually "and a" is a phrase that is two unstressed syllables, but it works. The image in the last two lines is fantastic. Great job.
Thanks. Originally, it turned out that this poem became more of a social commentary but I forgot to put the word "leave" in the last line so I had to change to final image to something way more introspective and personal. Reading over it again, I do rather like how it turned out.

[fishingthe_sky]

Thanks. Originally, it turned out that this poem became more of a social commentary but I forgot to put the word "leave" in the last line so I had to change to final image to something way more introspective and personal. Reading over it again, I do rather like how it turned out.
I'm glad it came out this way. The introspection is perfectly balanced here.

[thespearkid]

We counted stars in city streets
Atop the canyon on starless nights.
The blanket you brought smelled just like grass
And didn’t reach around us both.
I felt the church of dusty thoughts:
The combination of God and chess
Pieces that bring the knight and rook
To adjacency, that silent parade,
That brings us here; before your siege
The guard told us we had to leave.


There are a couple instances of anapest in this, just to let you know. I think the movement in the last two lines is a little unbalanced, unfortunately. Oh well.
I agree with you about the last two lines. It's just a little awkward to read. I'm a big fan of your imagery and other sensory language and this is no exception. The first two lines really give me a lovely mental image. You say "the church of dusty thoughts" is a "combination of God and chess" but then the God metaphor instantly disappears and doesn't make another appearance. That seems a little off to me. Overall, I like it.

[fishingthe_sky]

I agree with you about the last two lines. It's just a little awkward to read. I'm a big fan of your imagery and other sensory language and this is no exception. The first two lines really give me a lovely mental image. You say "the church of dusty thoughts" is a "combination of God and chess" but then the God metaphor instantly disappears and doesn't make another appearance. That seems a little off to me. Overall, I like it.
Fuck. Thank you for catching something. It's actually supposed to be "churn," not "church." I've edited it. Hopefully that clears it up a little bit. Sorry about that.

[thespearkid]

ah, gotcha. that makes more sense.

[Animalhill]

It may also be interesting to do general topic prompts opposed to structure prompts.

[newtothis]

We counted stars in city streets
Atop the canyon on starless nights.
The blanket you brought smelled just like grass
And didn’t reach around us both.
I felt the churn of dusty thoughts:
The combination of God and chess
Pieces that bring the knight and rook
To adjacency, that silent parade,
That brings us here; before your siege
The guard told us we had to leave.


There are a couple instances of anapest in this, just to let you know. I think the movement in the last two lines is a little unbalanced, unfortunately. Oh well.

I also agree about the last two lines. They are awkward. Also, lines 3 and 4 seem out of sync with the imagery and tone of the rest of the poem. The imagery, otherwise, is beautiful. Well done.

[fishingthe_sky]

It may also be interesting to do general topic prompts opposed to structure prompts.
The prompts will definitely range from more specific to the general, and I'm going to try and make each week vary so it won't get monotonous or tedious.

[Animalhill]

The prompts will definitely range from more specific to the general, and I'm going to try and make each week vary so it won't get monotonous or tedious.
Good deal! This makes the whole section of the forum much, much better.

[newtothis]

"That would-be phoenix risen up" is a fantastic example of the meter. I was worried that it wouldn't scan, but it's perfect. I also like the reappearance of the onyx stair; I'm a fan of recurrent motifs. This piece reminds me of an older generation of poetry in a good way. My only criticism would be the metaphor of blood=sin, which feels a bit hackneyed to me. You do complement it nicely with the second to last line, though.

Thanks. I was a fan of the image of the onyx stair as well. I'm going to go back and work on the first poem, but I just really felt it would fit here. I also agree that this is somewhat of an older sort of tone and style. It was unintentional and a little different than what I've typically written, but I was satisfied with it. All in all, I liked this well enough.

[thespearkid]

I just want to say that the forum has improved a ton lately.

[fishingthe_sky]

I also agree about the last two lines. They are awkward. Also, lines 3 and 4 seem out of sync with the imagery and tone of the rest of the poem. The imagery, otherwise, is beautiful. Well done.
The first four lines are actually the only good lines from a shitty poem I wrote 3 years ago. They were all part of one image that actually happened to me, so I felt it unfair to leave the third and fourth lines out, but I agree that they're not really in sync with the rest of the poem.

[fishingthe_sky]

I just want to say that the forum has improved a ton lately.
I concur.

[The Personist]

I just want to say that the forum has improved a ton lately.

I agree. I think we're building up a new core of regulars who post their work, which is what seemed to have dwindled before.

I like it a lot. Let's keep being awesome.

[SuicideKing]

so i haven't had any time to write because i have been overwhelmed by finals. although i'd really like to say i this thread got me really pumped. is there a due date for submitting?

[thespearkid]

I would assume there isn't. Probably be best to do one before the next one goes up though.

[doppelganger]

i love how the poetry thread has been really active recently. reading all the poems is always a delight and the new threads are wonderful ideas.

[The Personist]

Write some.

[doppelganger]

Write some.
i'll get around to it. ap tests were this week and i got finals coming up. :/

[The Personist]

Yeah...I've been writing sporadically, even though i'm out of school. I need to get back into a more productive creative mode.

[newtothis]

I just want to say that the forum has improved a ton lately.

All because there is now a steady female, right? ;) haha.

[thespearkid]

All because there is now a steady female, right? ;) haha.
Pretentious.

[The Personist]

Pretentious.

She's not as bad as Jeff Mangum, though.

[thespearkid]

She's not as bad as Jeff Mangum, though.
She recently fell in love with Mangum. Coincidence?

[The Personist]

She recently fell in love with Mangum. Coincidence?

Hahahahaha. No wonder she's pretentious.

[newtothis]

She recently fell in love with Mangum. Coincidence?

She CAN read this, guys. :O

[The Personist]

Women can read?! Since when?!

[thespearkid]

hahahaha.

[newtothis]

Women can read?! Since when?!

The emotional, sexual, and psychological stereotyping of females begins when the doctor says, "It's a girl." ~Shirley Chisholm

[The Personist]

A woman is natural: that is to say, abominable.
- Charles Baudelaire

[thespearkid]

Educating a woman is like pouring honey on a fine, swiss watch; it stops working.
-Kurt Konnegut Jr.

[newtothis]

The world has never yet seen a truly great and virtuous nation because in the degradation of woman the very fountains of life are poisoned at their source. ~Lucretia Mott

[fishingthe_sky]

Women, can't live with them, can't kill them.
-Jack Torrance "The Shining"

[The Personist]

/discussion.

[newtothis]

Anyway, so how 'bout them poems in response to the prompt?