summer (need help changing the chorus)

[marycanary]

(verse 1)
Summer time is almost here
Our exams are getting near
2 am crams, who gives a damn
I’m too busy getting tan
12 am the night is young
Lets go out and have some fun
12 am its time to party
Same old same old same old story

(chorus)
Lets have some fun
We’ll steal our parents cars
Lets have some fun
Who said trucks are for boys
Lets have some fun
We’ll paint the school’s gym
Lets have some fun
The cops are all tucked in

(verse 2)
1 am we’re just so bored
Lets go hang out at the morgue
Biggest party of the year
Beware as the zombies near
Lets have some fun (yeah yeah)
We’ll pass around the bong
Lets have some fun (yeah yeah)
Exams are just dumb

Lets go swimming in the lake
Who needs clothes we’ll all go nake
Boys and girls are having fun
30 minutes till he’s done
4 am we’re just so smashed
Make some room it’s time to bash

(chorus)

(verse 3)
Oh my god its 7 am
Time to take my first exam (oh my god)
What the hell is Potsdam
I could use some pot man

(verse 1)

[doppelganger]

so much silliness

[zonto]

I feel dumber for reading that...

[xlessthanthreex]

I like it a lot. It's a fun song. I agree that the chorus should be edited, but the whole idea and the verses and everything are good.
I'm trying to think of how you could change the chorus. All I would do with it is change the line, "Who said trucks are for boys". You should probably change it so the last word of that line rhymes with "cars". What I do when I run into that problem is I come up with random words that rhyme with the word I need it to rhyme with, and then I try to figure out if there's any way I could change the lyrics so they go with the new word, but also make sense with the rest of the song....I made that sound way more confusing than it really is...haha. If I think of anything, I'll let you know!
<3
Betsy

[thespearkid]

At least a hundred bands have already written this song.

[The Personist]

Artistic insipidity aside--this is ridiculously cliche and you need to basically revisit every line and try to figure out ways to show, not tell, what's going on--this is stupid. Why even write songs like this? It glorifies being an idiot. The subject matter makes me hate it, even if I ignore the style.

[newtothis]

ok. I will be nice, b/c I see you are new. I agree with thespearkid and artfullyaborted. I believe insipid is the correct word for this piece. It is juvenile as well. I'm going to tell you this now, if you want to have a career as a lyricist, you are going to need to write something that will succeed in more than middle school minds. You need lyrics that have a point. Lyrics that just make the reader/ listener sit on the edge of their seats with anticipation. That don't make the reader hate you for being so shallow. That draws them in and CAPTIVATES them. This does not do that. Just don't forget to listen to constructive criticism. People on this forum are going to be harsh, until you show growth. Instead of taking it personally, learn from what they say. (the same goes for you xlessthanthreex ... hint hint).

[The Personist]

ok. I will be nice, b/c I see you are new. I agree with thespearkid and artfullyaborted. I believe insipid is the correct word for this piece. It is juvenile as well. I'm going to tell you this now, if you want to have a career as a lyricist, you are going to need to write something that will succeed in more than middle school minds. You need lyrics that have a point. Lyrics that just make the reader/ listener sit on the edge of their seats with anticipation. That don't make the reader hate you for being so shallow. That draws them in and CAPTIVATES them. This does not do that. Just don't forget to listen to constructive criticism. People on this forum are going to be harsh, until you show growth. Instead of taking it personally, learn from what they say. (the same goes for you xlessthanthreex ... hint hint).

Damn you and your niceness. You make us look bad.

[thespearkid]

Damn you and your niceness. You make us look bad.
This. haha.

[newtothis]

Damn you and your niceness. You make us look bad.

It was his first post. Give me a break. I've been pretty harsh recently, actually, thank you very much. A warning for marycanary, if you keep your work at this substandard level, I will not be as polite.

[The Personist]

It was his first post. Give me a break. I've been pretty harsh recently, actually, thank you very much. A warning for marycanary, if you keep your work at this substandard level, I will not be as polite.

I was kidding...

[newtothis]

I was kidding...

haha. don't sweat it. xlessthanthreex was just really getting on my nerves. a lot. I guess you could say I was a bit tense.

[jaredsayshell0]

you should TOTALLY listen to xlessthanthreex.


This is the girl that once wrote the famous lyrics, and I quote:

Oh my god, you're so hot
I can't control myself
Your pitch black hair
And that guyliner thing

Hell fucking yes.

[beazer32]

the main thing that this piece lacks is the necessity of having to be aware that there is a dog!

[The Personist]

the main thing that this piece lacks is the necessity of having to be aware that there is a dog!

This.

[xlessthanthreex]

Ok, I WAS sorry for sounding cocky and everything, (I apologize for writing this on you're thing, marycanary, but they decide to come on yours to talk shit about me) but seriously, you people are being assholes. If you think I'm so horrible, go on MY page to do it. Not this poor innoccent guy's! Newtothis, you are being passive aggessive, which is totally "juvenile" on your part. If you have a problem with me, tell me, don't just "hint hint". and that Jared dude, I love sarcasm, but that's just mean. Grow the fuck up. Just because you don't like my style you don't think I should be able to give advice. Wow. Well I don't like YOUR attitude, so you can't give advice either, I guess! Get a life, people. Why don't you all find something more constructive to waste your time on instead of just tearing people down because you're all hot stuff in high school. Marycanary, write more lyrics and music, and I'll talk to my friend Joe Petrocy of Roc Records. We'll show them all!! Haha

[derekmoyer4]

it truly is poor lyrically. but with some fixes (possibly 98% of the words) it could be okay. you do not have to rhyme the whole time, just focus on something other than that.

[The Personist]

Ok, I WAS sorry for sounding cocky and everything, (I apologize for writing this on you're thing, marycanary, but they decide to come on yours to talk shit about me) but seriously, you people are being assholes. If you think I'm so horrible, go on MY page to do it. Not this poor innoccent guy's! Newtothis, you are being passive aggessive, which is totally "juvenile" on your part. If you have a problem with me, tell me, don't just "hint hint". and that Jared dude, I love sarcasm, but that's just mean. Grow the fuck up. Just because you don't like my style you don't think I should be able to give advice. Wow. Well I don't like YOUR attitude, so you can't give advice either, I guess! Get a life, people. Why don't you all find something more constructive to waste your time on instead of just tearing people down because you're all hot stuff in high school. Marycanary, write more lyrics and music, and I'll talk to my friend Joe Petrocy of Roc Records. We'll show them all!! Haha

To quote Ricky Roma: "You fucking child."

Newtothis wasn't being passive aggressive; she was being honest. Furthermore, you seem to think you're capable of such pronouncements as this after your arrogant and pretentious little foray into the "don't talk shit if you can't write something better" realm. That you can even show your face on this forum after that is absurd. It's ironic that you say we're wasting our time tearing people down, because you seem hellbent on winning us over, because even after we basically all told you your attitude was unwelcome, you came back. No improvement, but you're back. Whatever. I can deal. But the fact that you seek our validation renders your complaint meaningless. You can't complain that we have nothing better to do when YOU'RE still lurking around, throwing up shit (yes, shit--no other word for your writing) and expecting us to say nice things. We are not here to satiate the egos of every teenager who wrote a song because All Time Low or Blink 182 or whatever band you worship did. We are here to help people improve their writing. If you actually give a shit about your writing, you would understand that what we say, even if it sounds harsh, is meant as constructive criticism. You should take it to heart and then work on getting better. That seems to make the most sense, doesn't it?

I suppose this post was supposed to be heroic. You're supposed to be the savior of the underdog, keeping him safe from the "bad guys" who use their "books" and "knowledge" and "talent" as resources for improvement. Instead, though, you sound like someone who is just being rabidly reactionary, defending without even understanding where the attack is coming from. We are angry--and we are angry at you, specifically--because you are parading around tripe on this board like it was God's gift to us, and after we told you you needed improvement, you told us to shut up in some grand manifesto of myopia. THEN, you come back later, tail between your legs, and pretend like nothing happened. You throw lyrics up despite all of our obvious disposition to dislike you for your childish behavior, and you act like some celebrity in the midst of your plebeian fans. This is not so. You have no fans in this forum. We all resent, at the very least, your attitude, if not your style of writing. I find it offensive that you can write such middling excrement and still call yourself a band, but that's not what this is about. This is about how you behave.

If you want to contribute to this, you need to follow the unwritten rules of conduct. You need to be respectful. You need to treat other people's criticism seriously. You need to actually try to improve your work. Now, maybe I'm just overreacting, because if history's shown anything, it's that inanity on this board doesn't last long. Mediocrity tends to die out and disappear relatively quickly when it doesn't get the praise and validation it seeks from the contributors. But I am not overreacting when I say that not only is your attitude a slap in the face to anyone who actually takes his or her music or poetry seriously, but it is also an affront to art itself. What you're doing isn't creating art; it's seeking attention. So, here you go. Here is that attention. I am paying attention to you. Are you happy? I hope so, because I hope to God I didn't waste my time typing this. I want you to read this and smile, knowing you got the acknowledgment you deserve. As a bonus, I'll even add something for your watching pleasure, so you can spend a few more minutes knowing that I took time out of my day to tell you what an ignorant little dunderhead you really are.

I guess the point of all this is, "Never open your mouth til you know what the shot is. You fucking child."

3HURJNd0J4U

[thespearkid]

Ok, I WAS sorry for sounding cocky and everything, (I apologize for writing this on you're thing, marycanary, but they decide to come on yours to talk shit about me) but seriously, you people are being assholes. If you think I'm so horrible, go on MY page to do it. Not this poor innoccent guy's! Newtothis, you are being passive aggessive, which is totally "juvenile" on your part. If you have a problem with me, tell me, don't just "hint hint". and that Jared dude, I love sarcasm, but that's just mean. Grow the fuck up. Just because you don't like my style you don't think I should be able to give advice. Wow. Well I don't like YOUR attitude, so you can't give advice either, I guess! Get a life, people. Why don't you all find something more constructive to waste your time on instead of just tearing people down because you're all hot stuff in high school. Marycanary, write more lyrics and music, and I'll talk to my friend Joe Petrocy of Roc Records. We'll show them all!! Haha
Go away.

[thespearkid]

To quote Ricky Roma: "You fucking child."

Newtothis wasn't being passive aggressive; she was being honest. Furthermore, you seem to think you're capable of such pronouncements as this after your arrogant and pretentious little foray into the "don't talk shit if you can't write something better" realm. That you can even show your face on this forum after that is absurd. It's ironic that you say we're wasting our time tearing people down, because you seem hellbent on winning us over, because even after we basically all told you your attitude was unwelcome, you came back. No improvement, but you're back. Whatever. I can deal. But the fact that you seek our validation renders your complaint meaningless. You can't complain that we have nothing better to do when YOU'RE still lurking around, throwing up shit (yes, shit--no other word for your writing) and expecting us to say nice things. We are not here to satiate the egos of every teenager who wrote a song because All Time Low or Blink 182 or whatever band you worship did. We are here to help people improve their writing. If you actually give a shit about your writing, you would understand that what we say, even if it sounds harsh, is meant as constructive criticism. You should take it to heart and then work on getting better. That seems to make the most sense, doesn't it?

I suppose this post was supposed to be heroic. You're supposed to be the savior of the underdog, keeping him safe from the "bad guys" who use their "books" and "knowledge" and "talent" as resources for improvement. Instead, though, you sound like someone who is just being rabidly reactionary, defending without even understanding where the attack is coming from. We are angry--and we are angry at you, specifically--because you are parading around tripe on this board like it was God's gift to us, and after we told you you needed improvement, you told us to shut up in some grand manifesto of myopia. THEN, you come back later, tail between your legs, and pretend like nothing happened. You throw lyrics up despite all of our obvious disposition to dislike you for your childish behavior, and you act like some celebrity in the midst of your plebeian fans. This is not so. You have no fans in this forum. We all resent, at the very least, your attitude, if not your style of writing. I find it offensive that you can write such middling excrement and still call yourself a band, but that's not what this is about. This is about how you behave.

If you want to contribute to this, you need to follow the unwritten rules of conduct. You need to be respectful. You need to treat other people's criticism seriously. You need to actually try to improve your work. Now, maybe I'm just overreacting, because if history's shown anything, it's that inanity on this board doesn't last long. Mediocrity tends to die out and disappear relatively quickly when it doesn't get the praise and validation it seeks from the contributors. But I am not overreacting when I say that not only is your attitude a slap in the face to anyone who actually takes his or her music or poetry seriously, but it is also an affront to art itself. What you're doing isn't creating art; it's seeking attention. So, here you go. Here is that attention. I am paying attention to you. Are you happy? I hope so, because I hope to God I didn't waste my time typing this. I want you to read this and smile, knowing you got the acknowledgment you deserve. As a bonus, I'll even add something for your watching pleasure, so you can spend a few more minutes knowing that I took time out of my day to tell you what an ignorant little dunderhead you really are.

I guess the point of all this is, "Never open your mouth til you know what the shot is. You fucking child."


This.

[xlessthanthreex]

Haha. Yea, you did make me smile, but only because you don't understand me at all. First of all, I know I'm not a celebrity or anything. I'm far from it. But neither are you. And lets remember I tried to apologize. I was the adult in this and took responsibility and tried to fix my mistake. I'm sorry if you can't accept my apology, but I'm not gonna delete my account just because none of you like me. And whether or not I posted lyrics after all that, you all still would have had something bad to say. If I didn't everyone would say I was being a baby, and I can't be that good if I'm not even gonna post the lyrics I said I was gonna post. Second, that person WAS being passive aggressive. If they wanted me to know that, they should have pmed me and told me exactly what they meant, not "hint hint". I seriously don't want to make people mad, but I'm not just gonna get walked all over, either. If people will agree to stop holding all this shit against me, then I would also be willing to stop lecturing people. You all are the ones with big egos because you for some reason think you have the authority to tell me I'm such a horrible person. I'm pretty sure none of you have taken the time to get to know me, so maybe before you judge me you should actually be nice and talk to me. And the "fucking child" remark, I'm a year younger than you. Wow. You just want to make yourself feel cool. I really don't care how you guys respond to this. I don't care if you hate me. I'm not sure you are the kind of people I want to be talking to, anyway.

[The Personist]

Haha. Yea, you did make me smile, but only because you don't understand me at all. First of all, I know I'm not a celebrity or anything. I'm far from it. But neither are you. And lets remember I tried to apologize. I was the adult in this and took responsibility and tried to fix my mistake. I'm sorry if you can't accept my apology, but I'm not gonna delete my account just because none of you like me. And whether or not I posted lyrics after all that, you all still would have had something bad to say. If I didn't everyone would say I was being a baby, and I can't be that good if I'm not even gonna post the lyrics I said I was gonna post. Second, that person WAS being passive aggressive. If they wanted me to know that, they should have pmed me and told me exactly what they meant, not "hint hint". I seriously don't want to make people mad, but I'm not just gonna get walked all over, either. If people will agree to stop holding all this shit against me, then I would also be willing to stop lecturing people. You all are the ones with big egos because you for some reason think you have the authority to tell me I'm such a horrible person. I'm pretty sure none of you have taken the time to get to know me, so maybe before you judge me you should actually be nice and talk to me. And the "fucking child" remark, I'm a year younger than you. Wow. You just want to make yourself feel cool. I really don't care how you guys respond to this. I don't care if you hate me. I'm not sure you are the kind of people I want to be talking to, anyway.

If you'll notice, just like in the video, "fucking child" isn't a literal thing...it's a metaphor. You should put some of those in your writing.

So you think that if you DIDN'T post your dreadful lyrics, we'd be talking about you in your absence? You couldn't be further from the truth. You simply can't get over the fact that we don't care about you. The only reason I'm saying something is because you are a bad artist. I don't care about bad art, because it's everywhere. Hell, it's on the New York Times Bestseller list all the time, and on TV, and in the movie theaters, and in regular theaters, too! But bad art happens. Good artists make bad art; it just happens. Hell, untalented artists can make good art by mistake (see: Ginsberg, most one-hit wonder bands). But a bad artist is untalented and unwilling to work on his or her art. He or she is content to middle about in their utter mediocrity, and thinks that such output gives them the right to become an arbiter of the art world. Not so. Stop seeking our validation, please. I don't care about bad art, because everyone has to start somewhere.Bad artists, though, are outright. I refuse to tolerate it. And i will not.

[beazer32]

And the "fucking child" remark, I'm a year younger than you. Wow.

*sigh* you are hopeless.

[jaredsayshell0]

Ok, I WAS sorry for sounding cocky and everything, (I apologize for writing this on you're thing, marycanary, but they decide to come on yours to talk shit about me) but seriously, you people are being assholes. If you think I'm so horrible, go on MY page to do it. Not this poor innoccent guy's! Newtothis, you are being passive aggessive, which is totally "juvenile" on your part. If you have a problem with me, tell me, don't just "hint hint". and that Jared dude, I love sarcasm, but that's just mean. Grow the fuck up. Just because you don't like my style you don't think I should be able to give advice. Wow. Well I don't like YOUR attitude, so you can't give advice either, I guess! Get a life, people. Why don't you all find something more constructive to waste your time on instead of just tearing people down because you're all hot stuff in high school. Marycanary, write more lyrics and music, and I'll talk to my friend Joe Petrocy of Roc Records. We'll show them all!! Haha


I dont think anyone with a conscience mind likes the "style" your portraying. Lolololol.

[newtothis]

Ok, I WAS sorry for sounding cocky and everything, (I apologize for writing this on you're thing, marycanary, but they decide to come on yours to talk shit about me) but seriously, you people are being assholes. If you think I'm so horrible, go on MY page to do it. Not this poor innoccent guy's! Newtothis, you are being passive aggessive, which is totally "juvenile" on your part. If you have a problem with me, tell me, don't just "hint hint". and that Jared dude, I love sarcasm, but that's just mean. Grow the fuck up. Just because you don't like my style you don't think I should be able to give advice. Wow. Well I don't like YOUR attitude, so you can't give advice either, I guess! Get a life, people. Why don't you all find something more constructive to waste your time on instead of just tearing people down because you're all hot stuff in high school. Marycanary, write more lyrics and music, and I'll talk to my friend Joe Petrocy of Roc Records. We'll show them all!! Haha

Ok, so here's the deal. When I posted before, I was being honest. And perhaps, in this case, it IS the same as being passive aggressive. I wanted to make a point. I accede this part of the "debate" to you. I have commented on your poems before xlessthanthreex along with some other people on this forum whose opinions have been proven time and again to be worthy of consideration. The "hint hint" I probably should have left on your wall, this is true. However, take a look once more at what I wrote to marycanary. Take a deep breath. chill. When you look at it again, you will see that I'm not trying to be the "villain." I'm telling him the honest truth. I felt the same applied to you. Just from what I've observed, on the rare occasion you've received good advice in this forum, you have completely ignored it. I just wanted you to pay attention to the facts. Yes, you have made people here angry. However, if you want to earn back any respect, you are going to have to work for it. Take the criticism. Ask questions about it. Suggest improvements, or perhaps tell them why you don't agree (in a civil manner of course). You don't always have to agree with it, but let people know that you are at least, seriously, taking it into consideration instead of just starting new arguments, ok? I'm sorry if you find me juvenile. If so, don't listen to me. But if you want to prove that you can be the adult, then rather than leaving more angry rants, just take what people are saying to you with a grain of salt and give it a chance. I'm done now.

[thespearkid]

xlessthanthreex's presence significantly increases the amount of lengthy rants around here haha.

[newtothis]

haha. That is the last long think I plan on writing for a while (as far as rants go)

[fishingthe_sky]

xlessthanthreex's presence significantly increases the amount of lengthy rants around here haha.
Haha I'm glad they've gone and taken all the wind out of the sails on my rant ship. Saves me a lot of typing.

[newtothis]

Haha I'm glad they've gone and taken all the wind out of the sails on my rant ship. Saves me a lot of typing.

Just keeping it real. haha

[xlessthanthreex]

Ok, I know I'm being a bitch. I've been stressed lately and I know that has nothing to do with any of you, so I shouldn't get pissed at you guys. I'm going to take your advice. I really don't know what else to say, other than I'm really sorry for pissing everyone off.
Betsy

Ok, so here's the deal. When I posted before, I was being honest. And perhaps, in this case, it IS the same as being passive aggressive. I wanted to make a point. I accede this part of the "debate" to you. I have commented on your poems before xlessthanthreex along with some other people on this forum whose opinions have been proven time and again to be worthy of consideration. The "hint hint" I probably should have left on your wall, this is true. However, take a look once more at what I wrote to marycanary. Take a deep breath. chill. When you look at it again, you will see that I'm not trying to be the "villain." I'm telling him the honest truth. I felt the same applied to you. Just from what I've observed, on the rare occasion you've received good advice in this forum, you have completely ignored it. I just wanted you to pay attention to the facts. Yes, you have made people here angry. However, if you want to earn back any respect, you are going to have to work for it. Take the criticism. Ask questions about it. Suggest improvements, or perhaps tell them why you don't agree (in a civil manner of course). You don't always have to agree with it, but let people know that you are at least, seriously, taking it into consideration instead of just starting new arguments, ok? I'm sorry if you find me juvenile. If so, don't listen to me. But if you want to prove that you can be the adult, then rather than leaving more angry rants, just take what people are saying to you with a grain of salt and give it a chance. I'm done now.