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View Full Version : Please Come Home (for Myah Moxam) - Robin Gignac (hopefully not 'cliche')


twisted.demon
05/15/09, 05:15 AM
Hey guys, this is my new song, I hope it's not cliche, and I wrote this song for a really good friend named Myah Moxam, who's in grave pain right now, I would really like a few comments on this song, at least 20.. even if they're negative because it will drive me to be a better writer. Thanks a million!


Please Come Home - Robin Gignac (For Myah Moxam)


She's missing her friend, more and more everyday,
Hoping that the pain will go away,
But it stays there in her black heart,
The friend that made her fall so hard,
To the ground, where she never wants to get up,
But why get up, if her life's all fucked

As she trembles into tears,
Running away from all her fears,
Running so far, nobody can find her,
Her life's all a blur,
Where did you go,
Will you ever return,
We all miss you so,
We are concerned,
Please come home,

As blood is drawn form her wrists,
With every slit, she hopes not to exist,
But more people care about her than she thinks,
She starts to feel her heart shrink,
Losing everyone that she has ever loved,
Hoping an angel would take her above,

As she trembles into tears,
Running away from all her fears,
Running so far, nobody can find her,
Her life's all a blur,
Where did you go,
Will you ever return,
We all miss you so,
We are concerned,
Please come home,

She needs someone to sweep her off her feet,
So she's no longer incomplete,
She needs a friend to be by her side,
So she can start to regain her pride,

Well,
Oh well,

As she trembles into tears,
Running away from all her fears,
Running so far, nobody can find her,
Her life's all a blur,
Where did you go,
Will you ever return,
We all miss you so,
We are concerned,
Please come home,

As she trembles into tears,
Running away from all her fears,
Running so far, nobody can find her,
Her life's all a blur,
Where did you go,
Will you ever return,
We all miss you so,
We are concerned,
Please come home,
Please come home,
Please come home.

The Personist
05/15/09, 06:17 AM
Nope. Still cliche.

Even if it weren't, the sentiments are maudlin and the devices silly ("wrists/exist" is a contrivance of a rhyme).

twisted.demon
05/15/09, 08:53 AM
Goddamnit <_<

thespearkid
05/15/09, 10:09 AM
As you're writing, stop and ask yourself: has this line/metaphor/image been used before in this exact same way? If so, do not write it. It's hard and everyone eventually drops a cliche or two due to laziness but it's important to strive not to do so.

twisted.demon
05/15/09, 10:46 AM
yeah, but do you realize how stupid 99.99999998 % of the things i think of are stupid.. i write only when i'm inspired, 100% of everythign i write has happened to me or someone close to me

thespearkid
05/15/09, 11:05 AM
well write it in a different way than it has been written.

musiclovr89
05/15/09, 02:54 PM
wow beautiful

Mike Smith
05/15/09, 03:10 PM
yeah, but do you realize how stupid 99.99999998 % of the things i think of are stupid.. i write only when i'm inspired, 100% of everythign i write has happened to me or someone close to me

No offense demon, but i came in here with that mindset when i first started posting. All this mindset about "oh i write what happens to me in real life", it's not going to fly on these forums, and people will eat you alive on here. Because at the moment you're posting these so called "hopefully not cliche songs", and looking for people to praise you. I have news...Unless you write something that totally blows everyone out of the water, then you will NOT get praise. No i'm not trying to sound like a dick, but this is what i was told when i first came onto here about 6 months ago, and since then people have grown to like me because i took their advice and words of wisdom and used them to put forth my best effort to write better poetry/songs. And now i get actual criticism and people l9ike my stuff better now. So until you can learn to write stuff right, and not be all cliche all the time, then you might want to stop posting. Again, not trying to sound like an ass, but it's true, and everyone else on here will most likely agree with what i'm saying. Take your time, write poetry/songs only AFTER you have read other peoples poetry, and learn about things like imagery, foreshadowing, alliteration, theme, and most of all TONE. If you write shit, you will get shit for criticism. So good luck on your journey, but for now please dont post all your shit, as most people dont want to see it.

Thanks

cyncoolkid
04/09/10, 08:22 PM
I hate "black" & "heart" together.

guywithadream
08/06/10, 07:59 AM
cool

discustedbyher
10/13/10, 04:47 PM
Myah Moxam HAH this bitch needs to get over Tyler,
he's far from hers and never was.

Matt Chylak
10/13/10, 08:24 PM
Nope. Still cliche.

Even if it weren't, the sentiments are maudlin and the devices silly ("wrists/exist" is a contrivance of a rhyme).

this thread misses you