Office Space

[TK]

I've kind of strung this together recently and have tried to avoid cliches. Criticism is welcomed and appreciated.

Stuck at this desk
In which I confide
Lonely and bored, watching
Papers resting in their clips
And pens wavering on slants
All the time left wondering
Where my place is in all of this

Everything belongs somewhere
Or so I've heard in melodies
Sitting in sections, windowless
Admiring the accurate view
That my neighbors fail to see, they're
Too busy being blind to all but the dullest things.
All the calendar pages remain blank
The days, weeks, and months blend into a single page
Yet, I still cannot wait for
Today to end so that tomorrow can begin
So I time the bigger hand's movements
An exercise that just drags the minutes
Across my desk and wrist watch.

Staring at this static screen
That's illuminating your words to me
I'm wasting life in applications
While reaching a conclusion in an early stage:
This isn't where I belong, but it is my place
While content, I would say I am not
I have discovered
How to paint with what I've got
How to deal with the materials given
How to mix old colors into new ones
Because it may look like shit, but it is what it is.

Still, I find myself in circles repeating the same old loops
These patterns of movement are nothing new.

[The Personist]

I've kind of strung this together recently and have tried to avoid cliches. Criticism is welcomed and appreciated.


Stuck at this desk
In which I confide in
Lonely and bored, watching
Papers resting in their clips
And pens wavering on slants
Can't stop myself from thinking
"Am I happy with where I am?"

"In which I confide in" is redundant; you don't need the second "in". "Papers resting in their clips" is a really cool line. I think this would work better without that last line. The question tips your hand; I now know everything you're thinking, so I don't need to do any lifting from the poem. I think the idea that you can't stop yourself from thinking--though it could probably be expressed in a better way--is one that lets us know that you're going to meditate on things, and it's more engaging for the reader if you let us meditate with you and try to figure out what you're thinking about as we go along. Does that make sense? Basically, don't tell us you're wondering about your happiness and let us figure it out for ourselves.

Sitting in sections, windowless
What a nice view of life;
Neighboring to those who are oblivious
To the littlest of emotions or signs.
All the calendar pages remain blank
Every day, week, and month looks the same
Yet, I cannot wait for the day to end
So I count down the minutes
Timing the bigger hand's movements
An exercise that seems peculiar and trite
Is this what I've been reduced to?
And I start to think again,
I can't ever stop myself from thinking,
"Am I content with where I am?"
"Neighboring to those" features an unnecessary "ing". You don't neighbor to something, you neighbor it; the US neighbors Canada. This can be solved by just making "neighbor" a noun. I feel like there are so many better and more vibrant ways to express that people are oblivious to you than outright saying that they are. Why not show us some of the little emotions and signs? There's definitely some telling going on that pulls the reader out of the piece at that moment. I think "Timing the bigger hand's movements" shows us what "count down the minutes" tells us; you don't need both. Also, is there a way the imagery can show that it's peculiar and trite so you don't have to tell us that it is? The rhetorical questions--"Is this what I've been reduced to?" and "Am I content with where I am?"--are, like in the first stanza, unnecessary. They just tell us what you're thinking. Let the images do the work; less is more.

Staring at this static screen
That's illuminating your words to me
I'm wasting life in applications
While reaching a conclusion in an early stage:
Content, I would say not
But I have discovered
How to paint with what I've got
How to deal with the materials given
How to mix old colors into new ones
Because it may look like shit, but it is what is
And it will always be this
So I might as well accept it.
That's my favorite part of this whole piece. I think you could liven up the color-mixing line somehow, but this little bit is a good image, I think. I think the last three lines are telling, again. I think you could get the point across by just saying, "Because it may look like shit,/but it will always be this." The other stuff is needless pontification that takes away from the experience of the poem itself. You need to marry form and content; this sacrifices the former for the latter.


Still, I find myself in circles repeating the same old loops
These patterns of movement are nothing new.



This is a good summary couplet. I think you could even cut the first of these two lines and be fine.

In general, this is a pretty good start. You have a good conversational tone, which is something I've always had trouble fully grasping and using in my work. I think your biggest issue is showing rather than telling. You've got a good idea, and the sense of frustration entailed here is something you conveyed nicely, but you could show it to me better. Right now, I get everything I need to from direct statements entailed herein. I think the tension of the self-reflection could emerge through imagery rather than simply through telling us, and that would really crystallize what you're going for, here.

Nice work. Definitely a start.

[bootsydan]

In general, this is a pretty good start. You have a good conversational tone, which is something I've always had trouble fully grasping and using in my work. I think your biggest issue is showing rather than telling. You've got a good idea, and the sense of frustration entailed here is something you conveyed nicely, but you could show it to me better. Right now, I get everything I need to from direct statements entailed herein. I think the tension of the self-reflection could emerge through imagery rather than simply through telling us, and that would really crystallize what you're going for, here.

^ This 100%.

Do you have an office job? Or is this written from the POV of someone who does have an office job?

[yoyostring]

:-)

CeNnQJAo6ME

[TK]

"In which I confide in" is redundant; you don't need the second "in". "Papers resting in their clips" is a really cool line. I think this would work better without that last line. The question tips your hand; I now know everything you're thinking, so I don't need to do any lifting from the poem. I think the idea that you can't stop yourself from thinking--though it could probably be expressed in a better way--is one that lets us know that you're going to meditate on things, and it's more engaging for the reader if you let us meditate with you and try to figure out what you're thinking about as we go along. Does that make sense? Basically, don't tell us you're wondering about your happiness and let us figure it out for ourselves.


"Neighboring to those" features an unnecessary "ing". You don't neighbor to something, you neighbor it; the US neighbors Canada. This can be solved by just making "neighbor" a noun. I feel like there are so many better and more vibrant ways to express that people are oblivious to you than outright saying that they are. Why not show us some of the little emotions and signs? There's definitely some telling going on that pulls the reader out of the piece at that moment. I think "Timing the bigger hand's movements" shows us what "count down the minutes" tells us; you don't need both. Also, is there a way the imagery can show that it's peculiar and trite so you don't have to tell us that it is? The rhetorical questions--"Is this what I've been reduced to?" and "Am I content with where I am?"--are, like in the first stanza, unnecessary. They just tell us what you're thinking. Let the images do the work; less is more.


That's my favorite part of this whole piece. I think you could liven up the color-mixing line somehow, but this little bit is a good image, I think. I think the last three lines are telling, again. I think you could get the point across by just saying, "Because it may look like shit,/but it will always be this." The other stuff is needless pontification that takes away from the experience of the poem itself. You need to marry form and content; this sacrifices the former for the latter.




This is a good summary couplet. I think you could even cut the first of these two lines and be fine.

In general, this is a pretty good start. You have a good conversational tone, which is something I've always had trouble fully grasping and using in my work. I think your biggest issue is showing rather than telling. You've got a good idea, and the sense of frustration entailed here is something you conveyed nicely, but you could show it to me better. Right now, I get everything I need to from direct statements entailed herein. I think the tension of the self-reflection could emerge through imagery rather than simply through telling us, and that would really crystallize what you're going for, here.

Nice work. Definitely a start.

First off, I appreciate you taking your time to give me this long, detailed critique. Second, I really appreciated all the helpful suggestions and points you made. I know I have a problem with telling rather than showing...I've edited it a little, so hopefully I've improved on that.

^ This 100%.

Do you have an office job? Or is this written from the POV of someone who does have an office job?

I do not, this was simply just an attempt of writing in a different person's point of view. Was it a pretty bad attempt?

[bootsydan]

I do not, this was simply just an attempt of writing in a different person's point of view. Was it a pretty bad attempt?

I was just a little bit put off because it comes across as pretty demeaning to people who work office jobs. Came across as quite pretentious. But I didn't want to say anything in case you were writing from personal experience, in which case this would've been more self reflective than observational (and I think better for it).

It's tough though because it's difficult subject matter. On one side you need to get across your point (which is obvious in this from the word go) but at the same time there are plenty of good people in office jobs doing their best and running families. And some would like their job, and the ones who don't like their job are probably doing it because they have no other choice. Human survival (which is pretty noble when you think about it). So I didn't like how it questioned people in office jobs. I'm sure they question themselves, and what gives artists the right to be judgemental on the way they live their life?

So it's weighty subject matter - and unless your goal is to be in your face - I think maybe the subject you're really looking to write about is human survival, as opposed to people living these kind of aimless lives. (And the two topics can be related).

Anyway, maybe that's just me. But I think even the best writers would struggle to write a good poem on the subject matter. Dylans probably done it. But you know, that's Dylan.

[TK]

I was just a little bit put off because it comes across as pretty demeaning to people who work office jobs. Came across as quite pretentious. But I didn't want to say anything in case you were writing from personal experience, in which case this would've been more self reflective than observational (and I think better for it).

It's tough though because it's difficult subject matter. On one side you need to get across your point (which is obvious in this from the word go) but at the same time there are plenty of good people in office jobs doing their best and running families. And some would like their job, and the ones who don't like their job are probably doing it because they have no other choice. Human survival (which is pretty noble when you think about it). So I didn't like how it questioned people in office jobs. I'm sure they question themselves, and what gives artists the right to be judgemental on the way they live their life?

So it's weighty subject matter - and unless your goal is to be in your face - I think maybe the subject you're really looking to write about is human survival, as opposed to people living these kind of aimless lives. (And the two topics can be related).

Anyway, maybe that's just me. But I think even the best writers would struggle to write a good poem on the subject matter. Dylans probably done it. But you know, that's Dylan.

I'm not trying to argue with you, but I didn't see this being pretentious at all. The subject matter wasn't meant to be working in an office or questioning people who work in an office, it was meant to be centered around being unhappy/uncertain with where you are at. People who have jobs as lawyers, doctors, engineers, teachers, etc... can still be unhappy with their position and current situation in life. I really hoped this would come off as something someone can relate with, not judgmental. Anyways, I just wanted to explain it a little, but it's obvious what I was intending was not what I achieved.

[The Personist]

I was just a little bit put off because it comes across as pretty demeaning to people who work office jobs. Came across as quite pretentious. But I didn't want to say anything in case you were writing from personal experience, in which case this would've been more self reflective than observational (and I think better for it).

It's tough though because it's difficult subject matter. On one side you need to get across your point (which is obvious in this from the word go) but at the same time there are plenty of good people in office jobs doing their best and running families. And some would like their job, and the ones who don't like their job are probably doing it because they have no other choice. Human survival (which is pretty noble when you think about it). So I didn't like how it questioned people in office jobs. I'm sure they question themselves, and what gives artists the right to be judgemental on the way they live their life?

So it's weighty subject matter - and unless your goal is to be in your face - I think maybe the subject you're really looking to write about is human survival, as opposed to people living these kind of aimless lives. (And the two topics can be related).

Anyway, maybe that's just me. But I think even the best writers would struggle to write a good poem on the subject matter. Dylans probably done it. But you know, that's Dylan.

I didn't see it as pretentious. I assumed the title "Office Space" was alluding to the movie to invoke similar feelings of dissatisfaction and restless longing to break free of monotony. The use of the office imagery is use of common things that we can connect easily--and through the movie "Office Space"--to a sense of not being fulfilled. The nobility of human survival, it could be argued, also subverts desire. If I have to get an office job out of college because I have two useless degrees (which I will), I will probably view it similarly to this, but with a hopeful horizon as I pursue what I want to do (writing) as a means of getting the hell out of a cubicle.

Art is expressive--of opinions, emotions, judgments, etc. The artist can't express without having something to express. What gives Dylan the right to judge society in some of his stuff?

[bootsydan]

Don't mind my comment then.