i drove past there all the time--

[saysmydoctor]

This idea actually came to me while I was in the shower. Last April, there was a shooting in Binghamton, NY--fourteen died at the local American Civic Association. I go to school an hour away from there, my grandmother lives there, and my father was raised there. I knew the building simply as a building I drove past.

i drove past there all the time--

i drove past there all the time--
like that summer trip to Nana's
with that blistering heat and no AC.
the family sat on patio plastics
tapping ash into trays,
eyeing future episodes of Jerry Springer unfold across the lane
come to find out years ago,
people fired rice into the air
instead of bullets
for Aunt Patty's wedding.
last fall I eyed troubled music programs
of the southern tier parade across a nearby bridge,
gazed at youth activism
chanting up and down the route
whilst teenage trumpeteers marched for gold.
i drove past there all the time
while foreign hopefuls passed through its simple glass doors,
frustrations boiling over bureaucratic inertia
but they held strong.
i drove past there all the time
and within he grew impatient
at euphonic-titled rules
and
snap.
i drove past there all the time
on potholed roads comparable to gravel driveways.
i drove past there all the time--
no concern for the uniform brick countenance.
no concern for the lives inside
as our lives had not crossed until
brunette and made up anchors interrupted normal broadcast
informed me that their lives had ceased
while i drove past.

[bootsydan]

I really liked this.

[saysmydoctor]

I really liked this.
Thanks man!

[The Personist]

The only part of this that really bothers me is the "and/snap" toward the end. I think it could be fixed if you simply removed "and" and left it as "snap", which, on a single line, captures all our attention, as well as interrupts the flow of the piece (which is very nice), and does so without the unnecessary setup of "and". "And" ostensibly functions the same way as the entirety of this poem before that point; therefore, it is redundant. Its being on a single line also had a distracting effect. Other than that, though, I liked this.

I'm not giving a really detailed breakdown of a critique based on what you said to me in the recommendations thread. If you'd like me to, let me know and I'll give it a shot.

[saysmydoctor]

The only part of this that really bothers me is the "and/snap" toward the end. I think it could be fixed if you simply removed "and" and left it as "snap", which, on a single line, captures all our attention, as well as interrupts the flow of the piece (which is very nice), and does so without the unnecessary setup of "and". "And" ostensibly functions the same way as the entirety of this poem before that point; therefore, it is redundant. Its being on a single line also had a distracting effect. Other than that, though, I liked this.

I'm not giving a really detailed breakdown of a critique based on what you said to me in the recommendations thread. If you'd like me to, let me know and I'll give it a shot.
Yeah, I see what you are saying. I also thought it was awkward, but hadn't really pinned down an alternative.

Feel free to give a detailed breakdown. Like I said, I'm huge fan of free-form and I personally let flow rather than rhythm (which I consider two different things) dominate how I write--which is rarely (concerning poetry). Thanks for the feedback though.

[The Personist]

Yeah, I see what you are saying. I also thought it was awkward, but hadn't really pinned down an alternative.

Feel free to give a detailed breakdown. Like I said, I'm huge fan of free-form and I personally let flow rather than rhythm (which I consider two different things) dominate how I write--which is rarely (concerning poetry). Thanks for the feedback though.

I think that free-form flow can lend itself to rhythm. "Howl" is incredibly musical, despite being almost devoid of form.

[saysmydoctor]

I think that free-form flow can lend itself to rhythm. "Howl" is incredibly musical, despite being almost devoid of form.
Totally and 100% agree. I've just always felt that when approaching it, I always concern myself with how it rolls off the tongue, and not the highs and lows with a line. "Howl" is a good example.

[bootsydan]

Thanks man!

No worries. I loved the innocence of it.

So many would try to tackle the subject matter and try and write these deep and meaningful poems about shootings and the rights and wrongs and blah blah and why it happened. All the cliche nonsense. And I'll admit, when I read your disclaimer up the top that this was about shootings - I was immediately ready for something bad. And when I saw the lack of grammar I was pretty much convinced it would be horrible. But by the end of it I didn't care about that. Good job.

[The Personist]

I would argue in general that the direct nature of it, the lack of meandering, posturing, or philosophizing, is what makes the statement. Sure, you could write a damning poem about violence, but you stuck to the acute personal experience of, "huh. I drove past there all the time." I think that's what makes it poignant.

In other words: I agree with bootsy up there.

[saysmydoctor]

No worries. I loved the innocence of it.

So many would try to tackle the subject matter and try and write these deep and meaningful poems about shootings and the rights and wrongs and blah blah and why it happened. All the cliche nonsense. And I'll admit, when I read your disclaimer up the top that this was about shootings - I was immediately ready for something bad. And when I saw the lack of grammar I was pretty much convinced it would be horrible. But by the end of it I didn't care about that. Good job.
Thank you. I don't know what compelled me to ignore grammar rules, but it definitely seemed to pay off in the end. It's a work in progress, but thanks!