Writing prompt week 2

[fishingthe_sky]

Hey guys, I'm out of town until Thursday, so I won't be a participant in this until then, but I figured I'd put this up since the last prompt seems to have run out of steam.

For this week, compose three quatrains (four lines) using the beach as a guide. The poem doesn't have to be about the beach itself. You can use the beach as a jumping point for the rest of the poem, or you can use beachy imagery as the sensory language, or use the beach as a metaphor, etc. It's up to you how you use it, but the beach has to be in the poem in some a way that the rest of us can tell it was present in your mind. Also, unlike last week, you do not have to use the word "beach" specifically. Sand, ocean, sea, waves, seabirds, fish, crustaceans, these things are all suitable instances of beachiness. Lastly, the quatrains do not have to have a specific meter, though for the sake of having a substantial poem, try to have the lines be at least 5 syllables long.

Also, if you post, you must post a comment on at least one other poem posted in the thread, but of course we want you to comment on all of them!

Good luck!

[newtothis]

I'm out of town until Satruday, but count me in.

[The Personist]

I'll break the ice. I'm not too happy with this as a contained poem, but it worked for me as a writing exercise.

Beached

The moon hangs like a criminal at dusk,
Convicted of such schemes to manipulate the tides
That no fate better suits the deed
Than that of endless dangling in the sky.

The ocean laments the perfidy of its own childish credulity,
But fails to learn to tread with care:
In nighttime's soggy air, the puppeteer
Jerks fearful strings again.

The marionettes struggle, but such sibilant sea foam
Serves only to confirm a postmortem of indifference.
Under an impotent sun, dune-grasses sigh, whisking sands
Into the salty eyes of the sea.

[newtothis]

Ok. So this poem isn't bad, but it could use a lot of work. I don't like the fact that you keep changing your metaphors from stanza to stanza. Moon as criminal to pupputeer to marionettes. The flow just really doesn't work at all. The second stanza is the best. It seems less forced and the images and ideas are more original. I see what you are trying to say, but honestly it doesn't quite cut it for me.

[bootsydan]

Ahhh, read the theme just as The Beach Boys were playing. Perfect haha.

Hopefully I'll do this one. I meant to do week 1, but nothing I came up with was any good, so I didn't post.

[The Personist]

Ok. So this poem isn't bad, but it could use a lot of work. I don't like the fact that you keep changing your metaphors from stanza to stanza. Moon as criminal to pupputeer to marionettes. The flow just really doesn't work at all. The second stanza is the best. It seems less forced and the images and ideas are more original. I see what you are trying to say, but honestly it doesn't quite cut it for me.

Haha, that makes two of us. I'm going through a spell of writer's block, and this was an attempt to break it. I feel like it's better that I wrote something than nothing at all, and that at least I'm working toward being creative again.

I actually lifted "The moon hangs like a criminal at dusk" from an older poem of mine, too. It's such a stupid line.

[Animalhill]

"Natural Selection"
Let’s pick apart the heart of the sea and find out why it’s mean.
Why it stirs and sinks and rips and reaps-
why it doesn’t tense up and forget that it’s free.
And the force with which that it wraps around my wrist and
drags me to the bottom of that smiling abyss- well I have this
crazy, sinking feeling it’s the only thing I’ll ever know that’s real.

If the beasts of the sea breathe more mass than me-
How am I surprised by the rise and the fall of my feet?

Let’s just kick back and let the worst of facts float right on out of our heads-
forget the sounds of our selfish mouths and how they’ve failed to bail us out.
The meaningless chords of our vowels and words have
locked us in the den of a dead god’s head and I have this
crazy, sinking feeling it’s the only thing I’ll ever know at all.

But could that be you? Caged like us all but crooning in C sharp?
The staccato of your consonants shook the strings of my cynical
harp so I gathered you up and broke loose like a storm.
The curves of your lips will rewrite my history!
That obscene electricity that works like a drunk surgeon in me,
You paint over it with your skin.

And I want that paint all over me.
I want you planting seeds in my knees
so that I can stand again.
Lets grow big and float like pollen,
like we’re ancient and free of
taxes and disease because there’s you,
and there’s me and the roots of every tree
grow towards us.

[bootsydan]

"Natural Selection"
Let’s pick apart the heart of the sea and find out why it’s mean.
Why it stirs and sinks and rips and reaps-
why it doesn’t tense up and forget that it’s free.
And the force with which that it wraps around my wrist and
drags me to the bottom of that smiling abyss- well I have this
crazy, sinking feeling it’s the only thing I’ll ever know that’s real.

If the beasts of the sea breathe more mass than me-
How am I surprised by the rise and the fall of my feet?

Let’s just kick back and let the worst of facts float right on out of our heads-
forget the sounds of our selfish mouths and how they’ve failed to bail us out.
The meaningless chords of our vowels and words have
locked us in the den of a dead god’s head and I have this
crazy, sinking feeling it’s the only thing I’ll ever know at all.

But could that be you? Caged like us all but crooning in C sharp?
The staccato of your consonants shook the strings of my cynical
harp so I gathered you up and broke loose like a storm.
The curves of your lips will rewrite my history!
That obscene electricity that works like a drunk surgeon in me,
You paint over it with your skin.

And I want that paint all over me.
I want you planting seeds in my knees
so that I can stand again.
Lets grow big and float like pollen,
like we’re ancient and free of
taxes and disease because there’s you,
and there’s me and the roots of every tree
grow towards us.

Uh, might just wanna read through the original post again.

[fishingthe_sky]

I'll break the ice. I'm not too happy with this as a contained poem, but it worked for me as a writing exercise.

Beached

The moon hangs like a criminal at dusk,
Convicted of such schemes to manipulate the tides
That no fate better suits the deed
Than that of endless dangling in the sky.

The ocean laments the perfidy of its own childish credulity,
But fails to learn to tread with care:
In nighttime's soggy air, the puppeteer
Jerks fearful strings again.

The marionettes struggle, but such sibilant sea foam
Serves only to confirm a postmortem of indifference.
Under an impotent sun, dune-grasses sigh, whisking sands
Into the salty eyes of the sea.
I agree with newtothis. I don't like the constant switching of metaphors. Also, there seems to be more a focus on the language and it's linguistic play than the actual idea itself. The first line reminds me too much of the first line of "All I'm Losing is Me" by Saves The Day. I did really like the second to last line of the final stanza, though. It has a nice pace and some good imagery.

[The Personist]

How do you expect us to follow that up? You sonofabitch :-p

[The Personist]

Here's mine. Come on guys, get posting!

My eyes scuttled across the tide pools
watching children prod anemones,
the tender flowers
that always seem to wave when

there's no one to wave to.
I thought of our conversations,
their undulations calm enough for me to
set off. I think

like the minute hermit crab
searching for larger shells;
I know survival is the exception,
extinction, the rule.

This is excellent. I love the enjambment between stanzas, especially, but the whole thing is really nice. I think my least favorite part is the last two lines. The whole poem uses simplicity in diction and imagery to entice and engross the reader, but here at the end, it just felt off. In fact, I would go so far as to say these last two lines seemed, in the context of this poem (which I absolutely love), to be quite melodramatic. I also think you're tipping your hand there a little too much.

Beyond that, though, I love this. It just kinda clicked with me when I read it. Awesome job.

[fishingthe_sky]

This is excellent. I love the enjambment between stanzas, especially, but the whole thing is really nice. I think my least favorite part is the last two lines. The whole poem uses simplicity in diction and imagery to entice and engross the reader, but here at the end, it just felt off. In fact, I would go so far as to say these last two lines seemed, in the context of this poem (which I absolutely love), to be quite melodramatic. I also think you're tipping your hand there a little too much.

Beyond that, though, I love this. It just kinda clicked with me when I read it. Awesome job.
I see what you're saying. The last two lines are an allusion to something Carl Sagan wrote. It felt appropriate, but I see how they come across as melodramatic. I would like them to be the note this poem ends on, but perhaps they need to be reworked to not be so stark.

[SuicideKing]

I see what you're saying. The last two lines are an allusion to something Carl Sagan wrote. It felt appropriate, but I see how they come across as melodramatic. I would like them to be the note this poem ends on, but perhaps they need to be reworked to not be so stark.

i disagree about the last two lines. they sit well with me. although, i'm sure if you did decide to rework them it will still be an amazing piece

[SuicideKing]

I'll break the ice. I'm not too happy with this as a contained poem, but it worked for me as a writing exercise.

Beached

The moon hangs like a criminal at dusk,
Convicted of such schemes to manipulate the tides
That no fate better suits the deed
Than that of endless dangling in the sky.

The ocean laments the perfidy of its own childish credulity,
But fails to learn to tread with care:
In nighttime's soggy air, the puppeteer
Jerks fearful strings again.

The marionettes struggle, but such sibilant sea foam
Serves only to confirm a postmortem of indifference.
Under an impotent sun, dune-grasses sigh, whisking sands
Into the salty eyes of the sea.

i don't like the first line alone (if it isn't already it's turning into a tired metaphor in my opinion) but i like what it becomes with the second line added... if that makes sense.

[bootsydan]

Here's mine. Come on guys, get posting!

My eyes scuttled across the tide pools
watching children prod anemones,
the tender flowers
that always seem to wave when

there's no one to wave to.
I thought of our conversations,
their undulations calm enough for me to
set off. I think

like the minute hermit crab
searching for larger shells;
I know survival is the exception,
extinction, the rule.

This is great. The only line that didn't sit right with me is the last one. I was expecting some simple yet enlightening conclusion, and was a little disappointed. Otherwise, A Grade.

[bootsydan]

Here's mine:

A board rides the break
Like the sun on the horizon,
Happiness is a breath of fresh air
To the school of fish jumping above the surface

The surfers with their girls
Like the parents with their kids,
Happiness is a potato chip
To the flock of seagulls landing on ocean boulevard

A wave against the rocks
Like the fireworks at night,
Happiness is a grain of sand
To the quiet country boy breathing in the salty air

[newtothis]

Haha, that makes two of us. I'm going through a spell of writer's block, and this was an attempt to break it. I feel like it's better that I wrote something than nothing at all, and that at least I'm working toward being creative again.

I actually lifted "The moon hangs like a criminal at dusk" from an older poem of mine, too. It's such a stupid line.

I don't think it is a stupid line. It just either needs to be developed more, or dropped.

[thespearkid]

Stood on a beach in
South Carolina
Watching my best friend
Fight for existence

Felt like the new moon
Out in the day time
Clearly existing
Yet, not quite in place

Fell to the beach's
Sand, half defeated
Wiped clean my features
And killed my Jesus

I came up with something much better but it had four quatrains. Oh well, sticking to the rules. I'll be back to make comments later.

[fishingthe_sky]

Here's mine:

A board rides the break
Like the sun on the horizon,
Happiness is a breath of fresh air
To the school of fish jumping above the surface

The surfers with their girls
Like the parents with their kids,
Happiness is a potato chip
To the flock of seagulls landing on ocean boulevard

A wave against the rocks
Like the fireworks at night,
Happiness is a grain of sand
To the quiet country boy breathing in the salty air
The repetition of ideas here is a nice touch, but it's not as affective as it should be simply because the best image of the three (as well as of the poem as a whole) comes first. Should it come last, the poem would end on its high-note. This unfortunately would ruin the chronology of the day you have constructed here. This is good work, and I smile at the thought of all those jumping fish.

[fishingthe_sky]

Stood on a beach in
South Carolina
Watching my best friend
Fight for existence

Felt like the new moon
Out in the day time
Clearly existing
Yet, not quite in place

Fell to the beach's
Sand, half defeated
Wiped clean my features
And killed my Jesus

I came up with something much better but it had four quatrains. Oh well, sticking to the rules. I'll be back to make comments later.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this. It feels like the grand pronouncements you make at the end of the first and third stanzas need more to support them. They're not entirely unsubstantiated as ideas go, but they are unsubstantiated in what you have here. My suggestion would be to take these three stanzas and expand on them, either by making them longer or adding more stanzas to the whole poem. A good start, though.

[bootsydan]

Stood on a beach in
South Carolina
Watching my best friend
Fight for existence

I think we need more infomation here. How was he fighting for existance? Big seas? Emotionally (Is this metaphoric)? This is a big statement with not much to back it up.

Felt like the new moon
Out in the day time
Clearly existing
Yet, not quite in place

This is the best stanza of the three.

Fell to the beach's
Sand, half defeated
Wiped clean my features
And killed my Jesus

Again, this stanza doesn't really add any extra meaning to the piece, because we don't know what is going on. "Killing your Jesus" is a big statement to make - but we don't know in reference to what. I mean clearly it's to do with your friend, but that doesn't really tell us much.

There is some potential here. Perhaps you needed more lines to play with and you could have achieved what you were going for.

The repetition of ideas here is a nice touch, but it's not as affective as it should be simply because the best image of the three (as well as of the poem as a whole) comes first. Should it come last, the poem would end on its high-note. This unfortunately would ruin the chronology of the day you have constructed here. This is good work, and I smile at the thought of all those jumping fish.

Thanks. I do really have to end on the 'country kid' line - because that gives the poem its context - that these are observations made by a tourist. But I see where you're coming from.

[thespearkid]

I think we need more infomation here. How was he fighting for existance? Big seas? Emotionally (Is this metaphoric)? This is a big statement with not much to back it up.



This is the best stanza of the three.



Again, this stanza doesn't really add any extra meaning to the piece, because we don't know what is going on. "Killing your Jesus" is a big statement to make - but we don't know in reference to what. I mean clearly it's to do with your friend, but that doesn't really tell us much.

There is some potential here. Perhaps you needed more lines to play with and you could have achieved what you were going for.

Haha, I actually wrote four stanzas before I noticed the prompt said we could only use three so I had to go back and edit. It's not as good now but I saved the original draft to my folder on my computer.

[The Personist]

Haha, I actually wrote four stanzas before I noticed the prompt said we could only use three so I had to go back and edit. It's not as good now but I saved the original draft to my folder on my computer.

I wanna read the four-stanza version.

[SuicideKing]

this is very unpolished and i'm not thrilled with it, but i was trying to write something fast before the next prompt gets posted. i think i could use it as the intro to a longer piece?

I promised you
A flock-printed hand rapped symphony.
A Fire Sermon that could keep burning
After the very last wave.

You’ve spent the better part
Of a beach’s worth of hourglasses waiting
For me to force an ocean
From my leakyfaucetfingertips.

So, pretend I’ve come out of my shell
And side-stepped along the sand to your side.
Be the muse
I’ll be the flood.

[John is a cult]

this is very unpolished and i'm not thrilled with it, but i was trying to write something fast before the next prompt gets posted. i think i could use it as the intro to a longer piece?

I promised you
A flock-printed hand rapped symphony.
A Fire Sermon that could keep burning
After the very last wave.

You’ve spent the better part
Of a beach’s worth of hourglasses waiting
For me to force an ocean
From my leakyfaucetfingertips.

So, pretend I’ve come out of my shell
And side-stepped along the sand to your side.
Be the muse
I’ll be the flood.

I like it all, except the last two lines.
not sure why.
awesome imagery tho.

here is mine:

i knew you had too much to drink
you were sitting down half buried, fully dressed
"it's hard to walk on the sand"
your quiet way of trying to convince yourself

that you hadn't had too much to drink
i was trying, too hard perhaps
"It's time to leave"
my naive way of trying to convince myself

that I shouldn't ever drink
i was entirely enamored with your ways
"I love you"
my quiet way of trying to convince myself

[The Personist]

this is very unpolished and i'm not thrilled with it, but i was trying to write something fast before the next prompt gets posted. i think i could use it as the intro to a longer piece?

I promised you
A flock-printed hand rapped symphony.
A Fire Sermon that could keep burning
After the very last wave.

You’ve spent the better part
Of a beach’s worth of hourglasses waiting
For me to force an ocean
From my leakyfaucetfingertips.

So, pretend I’ve come out of my shell
And side-stepped along the sand to your side.
Be the muse
I’ll be the flood.

I'm hoping "Fire Sermon" is an Eliot nod. Or a nod to what he was nodding to. Either way, good call.

I think I agree with your own assessment: unpolished. I like "beach's worth of hourglasses," but I HATE "leakyfaucetfingertips." I think that could be split into its own words. Also, try a different word than "dripping"; that one's so cliche. "side-stepped" is lame as well. I think you could pick a more vibrant image there. *wrapped, not rapped. Uh...Yeah. Not awful, but definitely in need of work.

[SuicideKing]

I like it all, except the last two lines.
not sure why.
awesome imagery tho.

here is mine:

i knew you had too much to drink
you were sitting down half buried, fully dressed
"it's hard to walk on the sand"
your quiet way of trying to convince yourself

that you hadn't had too much to drink
i was trying, too hard perhaps
"It's time to leave"
my naive way of trying to convince myself

that I shouldn't ever drink
i was entirely enamored with your ways
"I love you"
my quiet way of trying to convince myself

actually, i can't stand the last two lines either. they are there only as a result of me being too lazy/rushed.

as for your poem, i really do like the idea. i like the first five and the last two lines, but i think the middle needs to be tightened up a bit. although i have one question: isn't the third line slightly contradictory in regard to the last two lines? i know technically speaking it isn't, but it's pretty close.

[John is a cult]

how are they contradictory?

you've confused me now lol

[SuicideKing]

I'm hoping "Fire Sermon" is an Eliot nod. Or a nod to what he was nodding to. Either way, good call.

I think I agree with your own assessment: unpolished. I like "beach's worth of hourglasses," but I HATE "leakyfaucetfingertips." I think that could be split into its own words. Also, try a different word than "dripping"; that one's so cliche. "side-stepped" is lame as well. I think you could pick a more vibrant image there. *wrapped, not rapped. Uh...Yeah. Not awful, but definitely in need of work.

yes, "Fire Sermon" is an Eliot nod. to be honest, Eliot is THE reason i started to get interested in poetry.

i like the idea of the hourglass line but it felt clumsy coming out. do you think i should change the wording at all?

and if you could, please clarify: you hate the "leakyfaucetfingertips" because of the run together words or because you dislike the imagery? it's actually my favorite part of the poem.

lastly, "rapped" was intentional. speaking from the point of view that, in my opinion, rap is the most poetic form of music. that is to say intelligent, well written rap. not the bullshit gangster/coast/southern stuff that gets radio play. so i was attempting to play around with the language of saying "hand wrapped." does that make sense? and do you think it's effective?

[John is a cult]

i actually think that the hourglass line is perfect the way it is..
but, agree on making the "leakyfaucetfingertips" into separate words, i feel like the squeezing of words has been over done

[SuicideKing]

how are they contradictory?

you've confused me now lol

well, i could be all wrong, but the way i read the last two lines was negatively. As in, the speaker isn't in love with the girl in the sand and probably never will be, therefore he must convince himself that he is. so given that in the third line he is "entirely enamored" it felt contradictory in relation to my interpretation of the last two lines. am i just way off?

[The Personist]

yes, "Fire Sermon" is an Eliot nod. to be honest, Eliot is THE reason i started to get interested in poetry.

i like the idea of the hourglass line but it felt clumsy coming out. do you think i should change the wording at all?

and if you could, please clarify: you hate the "leakyfaucetfingertips" because of the run together words or because you dislike the imagery? it's actually my favorite part of the poem.

lastly, "rapped" was intentional. speaking from the point of view that, in my opinion, rap is the most poetic form of music. that is to say intelligent, well written rap. not the bullshit gangster/coast/southern stuff that gets radio play. so i was attempting to play around with the language of saying "hand wrapped." does that make sense? and do you think it's effective?

ELIOT! Oh, he's great. Have you seen the Poetry Recommendations forum? Good place to go for recs to continue expanding your poetic lexicon.

I think "leaky faucet finger tips" is bad wording of a potentially decent image. I think you could say it in a different way and make it sound better. A "leaky faucet" is very cliche. Also, the running together of words seems to serve no real purpose, which is why I'm against that. If you change the wording of the image, and split the words up, you will improve the quality of that.


I think you should mess around with the beach lines in revision. I like the image, but it does seem a bit clumsy in its execution. Try to find the musicality of it.

Without anything else to support it, "rapped" falls flat. I think you would need more surroudning that image to make it resonate as what you intended.

[John is a cult]

oh ok, i didn't know exactly what lines u meant.
but yea, your interpretation is right on.

i think the language i used may make it confusing, and may just be flat out wrong.
i meant to convey that the speaker only feels lust for the girl.
and was trying to convince himself that it was love.
i need to edit my language there.

[SuicideKing]

ELIOT! Oh, he's great. Have you seen the Poetry Recommendations forum? Good place to go for recs to continue expanding your poetic lexicon.

I think "leaky faucet finger tips" is bad wording of a potentially decent image. I think you could say it in a different way and make it sound better. A "leaky faucet" is very cliche. Also, the running together of words seems to serve no real purpose, which is why I'm against that. If you change the wording of the image, and split the words up, you will improve the quality of that.


I think you should mess around with the beach lines in revision. I like the image, but it does seem a bit clumsy in its execution. Try to find the musicality of it.

Without anything else to support it, "rapped" falls flat. I think you would need more surroudning that image to make it resonate as what you intended.

yes, eliot. the first book of poetry i ever bought was The Wasteland with an assortment of his other work. Prufrock and Gerontion are what made me start writing poetry.

i wrote this with the intention of expanding it, so i'll try to build more support for the "rapped" imagery.

[The Personist]

yes, eliot. the first book of poetry i ever bought was The Wasteland with an assortment of his other work. Prufrock and Gerontion are what made me start writing poetry.

i wrote this with the intention of expanding it, so i'll try to build more support for the "rapped" imagery.

I wrote an imitation of Eliot awhile back in this forum...It's called "A Spellbound Mirror" if you're interested.

[SuicideKing]

I wrote an imitation of Eliot awhile back in this forum...It's called "A Spellbound Mirror" if you're interested.

oh, i read it when you posted it. it was very well done.

[SuicideKing]

oh ok, i didn't know exactly what lines u meant.
but yea, your interpretation is right on.

i think the language i used may make it confusing, and may just be flat out wrong.
i meant to convey that the speaker only feels lust for the girl.
and was trying to convince himself that it was love.
i need to edit my language there.

if you do decide to edit it i think it should only be that third to last line. as i said before, i really do like the last two lines as they are

[thespearkid]

I like it all, except the last two lines.
not sure why.
awesome imagery tho.

here is mine:

i knew you had too much to drink
you were sitting down half buried, fully dressed
"it's hard to walk on the sand"
your quiet way of trying to convince yourself

that you hadn't had too much to drink
i was trying, too hard perhaps
"It's time to leave"
my naive way of trying to convince myself

that I shouldn't ever drink
i was entirely enamored with your ways
"I love you"
my quiet way of trying to convince myself
Great use of repetition. It sort of hits personally for me, as I feel like it's about a loved one suffering with an addiction and the struggle to still love them despite their flaw. I like this piece.

[bootsydan]

here is mine:

i knew you had too much to drink
you were sitting down half buried, fully dressed
"it's hard to walk on the sand"
your quiet way of trying to convince yourself

that you hadn't had too much to drink
i was trying, too hard perhaps
"It's time to leave"
my naive way of trying to convince myself

that I shouldn't ever drink
i was entirely enamored with your ways
"I love you"
my quiet way of trying to convince myself

I liked this.

Allow me to make a few suggestions though?

I would like to suggest a line change (I know, shoot me right?) Instead of 'that I shouldn't ever drink' I think this would be more interesting if you said 'that I hadn't had too much to drink'.

Not only would it fit the first line repetition a lot better, I also feel that it would drive home the 'we say stupid things' while we are drunk theme a lot better. At the moment "I love you" at the end reads like a sentimental ending - and just turns this into another love poem that we've all read before. Two lovers on a beach. Heard it before. But if you change the line to what I suggested, then you could just be saying "I love you" because you are drunk - which makes this a lot more fun. Because we all say stupid things like that while drunk and it doesn't necessarily mean anything. But maybe it does. I hope you get where I'm coming from?

Also, the line 'I was entirely enamored with your ways' is just filler. And it actually makes it sound like you do like this girl - when I think the point is that you don't? That you're just trying to convince yourself you do? Anyway, "I love you" is definitely the stronger line of the two in the context - That's the punch. So I suggest changing the 'enamored with your ways' line to some sort of imagery about what you are doing at the time (Cause you've already told us what she is doing (falling over in the sand)).

OK I'm done. Good work. You kept it simple and the repeated lines worked really well.

[fishingthe_sky]

this is very unpolished and i'm not thrilled with it, but i was trying to write something fast before the next prompt gets posted. i think i could use it as the intro to a longer piece?

I promised you
A flock-printed hand rapped symphony.
A Fire Sermon that could keep burning
After the very last wave.

You’ve spent the better part
Of a beach’s worth of hourglasses waiting
For me to force an ocean
From my leakyfaucetfingertips.

So, pretend I’ve come out of my shell
And side-stepped along the sand to your side.
Be the muse
I’ll be the flood.
I like this for the most part, though there are some rough patches that once smoothed out will make this a really solid poem.

The second line of the first stanza has too much going on in it, both image-wise and language-wise. First, flock-printed, while an interesting image, isn't quite evocative of what I believe you're trying to say. In this respect, it becomes something of a misappropriation of "flock." It sounds interesting, and wants to convey an interesting image, but it's not formulated quite right. Second, having two phrases of similar linguistic qualities is not working. "Flock-printed" and "hand rapped" are both very heavy on the tongue and slow down the reader considerably, and to have the two working in tandem makes that line a real burden to get through. Both don't really need to be here, realistically, and there are ways to condense that image to something more concise and evocative to boot.

I like the Eliot allusion, and I'm glad you're a fan (as I'm reading in other posts here). I would suggest perhaps uncapitalizing it, though, just to make the allusion not be so apparent. There's nothing wrong with it as is, but since it's such a blatant allusion it doesn't need the capitalization, and it would in fact make it a better allusion by being a little more obscured. Plus, I'm sure Eliot wouldn't mind that you didn't capitalize it.

There's a similar thing going on language-wise in the second line of the second stanza, too. It's just too thick to flow; rather, this line oozes slowly, and this hampers the otherwise good flow you have going on in the poem. Perhaps consider "better part of a beach-filled hourglass" as an alternative to the line, or something similar. The more you're able to condense your images into fewer words, the stronger they will be. I'm also not sure I like the leakyfaucetfingertips bit. It's a nice idea, but to me it comes across more as "cute" than "clever." You're trying to make this all very much one image, and doing it in a way where we see it visually, but it's not actually bringing the image together in the way it shows on paper. I don't believe you need such visual play to get the same sense of unity.

I like the last stanza a lot, especially the first two lines. Perhaps do away with the "so" though. It's unnecessary here.

[fishingthe_sky]

i knew you had too much to drink
you were sitting down half buried, fully dressed
"it's hard to walk on the sand"
your quiet way of trying to convince yourself

that you hadn't had too much to drink
i was trying, too hard perhaps
"It's time to leave"
my naive way of trying to convince myself

that I shouldn't ever drink
i was entirely enamored with your ways
"I love you"
my quiet way of trying to convince myself
My first suggestion would be to properly punctuate your poem. It's uneven and inconsistent, which shows a lack of consideration on your part, which is not good, because you're demonstrating good poesy here. You work the repetition nicely here; you avoid yoking it to its obvious ends and making it more a gimmick than a poetic technique. I would suggest not making such a bold statement in the first line of the last stanza; something like "maybe I shouldn't have had too much to drink" would be a more effective and appropriate sentiment. Also, the second and forth line contradict each other somewhat. You need to put an element of the doubt of the fourth line in the second line, because saying "entirely enamored" defies your quiet convincing. I would also suggest for the sake of condensation that your last lines could read something like:

"quietly trying to convince yourself"
"naively trying to convince myself"
"quietly trying to convince myself"

See how that still gets the sentiment out and creates a nice symmetry? Again, just a suggestion.

[SuicideKing]

I like this for the most part, though there are some rough patches that once smoothed out will make this a really solid poem.

The second line of the first stanza has too much going on in it, both image-wise and language-wise. First, flock-printed, while an interesting image, isn't quite evocative of what I believe you're trying to say. In this respect, it becomes something of a misappropriation of "flock." It sounds interesting, and wants to convey an interesting image, but it's not formulated quite right. Second, having two phrases of similar linguistic qualities is not working. "Flock-printed" and "hand rapped" are both very heavy on the tongue and slow down the reader considerably, and to have the two working in tandem makes that line a real burden to get through. Both don't really need to be here, realistically, and there are ways to condense that image to something more concise and evocative to boot.

I like the Eliot allusion, and I'm glad you're a fan (as I'm reading in other posts here). I would suggest perhaps uncapitalizing it, though, just to make the allusion not be so apparent. There's nothing wrong with it as is, but since it's such a blatant allusion it doesn't need the capitalization, and it would in fact make it a better allusion by being a little more obscured. Plus, I'm sure Eliot wouldn't mind that you didn't capitalize it.

There's a similar thing going on language-wise in the second line of the second stanza, too. It's just too thick to flow; rather, this line oozes slowly, and this hampers the otherwise good flow you have going on in the poem. Perhaps consider "better part of a beach-filled hourglass" as an alternative to the line, or something similar. The more you're able to condense your images into fewer words, the stronger they will be. I'm also not sure I like the leakyfaucetfingertips bit. It's a nice idea, but to me it comes across more as "cute" than "clever." You're trying to make this all very much one image, and doing it in a way where we see it visually, but it's not actually bringing the image together in the way it shows on paper. I don't believe you need such visual play to get the same sense of unity.

I like the last stanza a lot, especially the first two lines. Perhaps do away with the "so" though. It's unnecessary here.

so basically you think i'm cramming my lines with too much and should stretch out the images for a better read... yes?

[fishingthe_sky]

so basically you think i'm cramming my lines with too much and should stretch out the images for a better read... yes?
I think that you're crowding your lines with overbearing language. I'm not suggesting that you stretch out the images, but rather that you work on condensing the languages to make the images more potent. The goal is to use as little language is possible to say the most you can say. Using more would be unnecessary. It's really just those phrases which are hard to say fluidly (what I mean is actually speaking your lines out loud, which is something everyone should do when reading poetry, for reading and speaking reveal different sonic elements of the lines) that need to be fixed.

[SuicideKing]

I think that you're crowding your lines with overbearing language. I'm not suggesting that you stretch out the images, but rather that you work on condensing the languages to make the images more potent. The goal is to use as little language is possible to say the most you can say. Using more would be unnecessary. It's really just those phrases which are hard to say fluidly (what I mean is actually speaking your lines out loud, which is something everyone should do when reading poetry, for reading and speaking reveal different sonic elements of the lines) that need to be fixed.

i'll definitely rework it. your feedback is going to help a lot. thanks.

[jaredsayshell0]

Helllllla improv. Ha.

Back and forth, to and fro
Moves me to the ocean shore
Horizon line so far away
Ocean tide sinks with the bay

Bright blue sky, from what I see
Innocence and sunlit seas
Sweat and smiles, this boardwalk way
Rest your soul, and seize the day.

Setting sun, the fire sky
Shadows dancing, passing by
Starlit night consumes the skies
yet ocean breaks the rising tide.

[newtothis]

Hey everybody. So I missed this week's prompt and was rather suddenly inspired to write it. Critiques please? Sorry for being so late.

Material sand beneath my feet,
The bleep of children’s sunken hopes
The toot of every misconception
Hiding beneath the downy shore.

Pursuit of tarnished treasures, masked
By rust of time elapsed and gone.
But oh for all the world I long
To be a child, inquisitive, naïve

Of crabs beneath the callous
Assets hidden beneath the ocean floor,
Of clam shells crushed by tiny shoes
And ancient nickels never found.

[SuicideKing]

Hey everybody. So I missed this week's prompt and was rather suddenly inspired to write it. Critiques please? Sorry for being so late.

Material sand beneath my feet,
The bleep of children’s sunken hopes
The toot of every misconception
Hiding beneath the downy shore.

Pursuit of tarnished treasures, masked
By rust of time elapsed and gone.
But oh for all the world I long
To be a child, inquisitive, naïve

Of crabs beneath the callous
Assets hidden beneath the ocean floor,
Of clam shells crushed by tiny shoes
And ancient nickels never found.

i really do like this because it reminds me of things i've written and thought about. the middle stanza is very special. for me, expressing a longing to be childlike will never get old (no pun intended, unless you enjoy puns). there are, however, two things i'm not certain about. first, i'm confused by the decision to use "material" as an adjective. it's an odd word choice to me. second, the first two lines of the last stanza are too much of a mouthful and i think you should smooth that out. the last two lines of the poem are lovely, though.

[newtothis]

i really do like this because it reminds me of things i've written and thought about. the middle stanza is very special. for me, expressing a longing to be childlike will never get old (no pun intended, unless you enjoy puns). there are, however, two things i'm not certain about. first, i'm confused by the decision to use "material" as an adjective. it's an odd word choice to me. second, the first two lines of the last stanza are too much of a mouthful and i think you should smooth that out. the last two lines of the poem are lovely, though.

Thank you so much. I am rather fond of this piece myself. I"ll keep your advice in mind.