Empty Seat/Trickle Trickle/Shake A Shaker Shaking

[bootsydan]

Bits and pieces that I may or may not have formed into a succesful song. Would very much like to hear which bits you like and which bits you don't. Also any of you familiar with my work may notice a line or two in here that you've probably read from me before. I do that.

Empty Seat/Trickle Trickle/Shake A Shaker Shaking

Accept I've got not much I want
Except I've got something so many would kill to have

A dogs barking out in the street
The family's doin' whatever the family's do

Drive through and into the day
Put on repeat and feel this way again

A drizzle day, a shift in the bed
A cover of warmth just like a day at the beach

Pick a town and pick a street
Pick a house and then you've found a place

Pick apart the things you can see
And see nothing except what's at your feet

A social face, a face for a friend
A face to match those of them around

And if I'm doin' bad then that's ok
And if I'm doin' ok then that's fantastic

--

Theres also some other bits I wrote to the melody but feel don't belong:

A pay cheque, a week away
Another pay cheque and then another week away

My last night as a teen alone in my room
And every year say this one will be better than the last

A family bickers before the photo
But in the frame they look so happy

The sunlights creepin' under my blinds
Just the world letting me know I am in fact still alive

[bootsydan]

No one?

[fishingthe_sky]

Accept I've got not much I want
Except I've got something so many would kill to have
I don't think these should be first. I dare say these shouldn't be here at all. They seem more like word play than a statement of something significant, especially because it exists in this vague idea of something.

A dogs barking out in the street
The family's doin' whatever the family's do
I like these, and they definitely could be the start of this.

Drive through and into the day
Put on repeat and feel this way again
I like the sounds in the first part of this.

A drizzle day, a shift in the bed
A cover of warmth just like a day at the beach
Egh, I'm not sure about the second line. It's flat image, not really conveying anything but a generic warmth.

Pick a town and pick a street
Pick a house and then you've found a place

Pick apart the things you can see
And see nothing except what's at your feet
I was almost going to say get rid of the stanza before this one, but you justify it's presence with your use of "pick" here, so good job.

A social face, a face for a friend
A face to match those of them around

And if I'm doin' bad than that's ok
And if I'm doin' ok than that's fantastic
It should be "then." Also, I'm not sure how I feel about the word "fantastic." It doesn't seem to mesh well.

--

Theres also some other bits I wrote to the melody but feel don't belong:

A pay cheque, a week away
Another pay cheque and then another week away

My last night as a teen alone in my room
And every year say this one will be better than the last

A family bickers before the photo
But in the frame they look so happy

The sunlights creepin' under my blinds
Just the world letting me know I am in fact still alive
The last two aren't quite polished, but are worth keeping as ideas to play around with. The first two are cookie-cutter.

[bootsydan]

Accept I've got not much I want
Except I've got something so many would kill to have
I don't think these should be first. I dare say these shouldn't be here at all. They seem more like word play than a statement of something significant, especially because it exists in this vague idea of something.

Yeah I was considering whether or not to keep these. The main reason I did is because these are the two lines that I always came back to when trying to come up with the rest, so it felt fitting. Also, a lot of this poem is more or less 'word play' and seeing how things sound next to each other. I think the whole poem is a little vague (in terms of meaning), which I kind of like about it.

A dogs barking out in the street
The family's doin' whatever the family's do
I like these, and they definitely could be the start of this.

Ah I never thought about starting with these. But you could be right. Cheers.

A drizzle day, a shift in the bed
A cover of warmth just like a day at the beach
Egh, I'm not sure about the second line. It's flat image, not really conveying anything but a generic warmth.

This is true. The main reason I liked it is cause not many people would compare a rainy day in bed into a sunny day at the beach in a happy way. But maybe that's not much of an insight after all.

Pick a town and pick a street
Pick a house and then you've found a place

Pick apart the things you can see
And see nothing except what's at your feet
I was almost going to say get rid of the stanza before this one, but you justify it's presence with your use of "pick" here, so good job.

That's the word play coming in handy again haha.

A social face, a face for a friend
A face to match those of them around

And if I'm doin' bad than that's ok
And if I'm doin' ok than that's fantastic
It should be "then." Also, I'm not sure how I feel about the word "fantastic." It doesn't seem to mesh well.

Fixed.


Thanks a lot for your feedback. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to get any.

[TK]

Empty Seat/Trickle Trickle/Shake A Shaker Shaking

Accept I've got not much I want
Except I've got something so many would kill to have


This wasn't a good beginning. Seems like something that would be in the middle of the song, as opposed to the opening lines.


A dogs barking out in the street
The family's doin' whatever the family's do


Not sure I understand the last line. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but it seems a bit confusing to me.


Drive through and into the day
Put on repeat and feel this way again


Enjoyed these lines, they were very easy to related to.


A drizzle day, a shift in the bed
A cover of warmth just like a day at the beach


I think this would work better if you used beach as an adjective. Example: A cover of beach warmth, (insert another short line).


Pick a town and pick a street
Pick a house and then you've found a place

Pick apart the things you can see
And see nothing except what's at your feet


The word except stopped the flow for me. Is there maybe another word you could use? Other than that, this was nice.


A social face, a face for a friend
A face to match those of them around

And if I'm doin' bad then that's ok
And if I'm doin' ok then that's fantastic


Second line of the first two seemed awkward. I also agree fantastic seems like the wrong word to use. Maybe "If I'm doin' bad, then that's ok And if I'm doin ok, then that's not too bad". I know it's not the idea you're trying to give off, but I'm not sure what you can replace fantastic with.

--


Theres also some other bits I wrote to the melody but feel don't belong:

A pay cheque, a week away
Another pay cheque and then another week away

My last night as a teen alone in my room
And every year say this one will be better than the last


Didn't care for these two. The second one has an idea that's nice and familiar to me, but I just didn't think they were that enjoyable in the way you wrote them.


A family bickers before the photo
But in the frame they look so happy

The sunlights creepin' under my blinds
Just the world letting me know I am in fact still alive

I really like the first one, but I think the lines could be polished. I liked the second one.

Sorry if my responses aren't helpful, just trying to leave my thoughts. I've never taken poetry classes so my feedback isn't that helpful. However, the main problem I saw with this is there is nothing piecing these verses together, no underlying theme that I picked up on; they all just seem to be thrown together.