Untitled

[TK]

Box-sitting in alleyways
Listening to the simple things
That scenery can convey.
Watching the gutters rip
When the rain came down in
Frozen balls and broken strips
All the while, thinking to myself
Like a rotten wooden rail
We're too loose footed and frail
For these heavy hearts to lean on.

Yet we've held unto these maps
Without changing routes or looking back
And while the ones we choose took separate roads
The cities were different only by their names.
Still, we've complemented each other in distance
Why ruin that approach by bringing closeness?

These lines and circles are always being drawn
The dilemmas only come when deciding which
Ones are intersecting and which ones are not.

With a foot in the sand, the other in the water
This situation felt all too similar to
Solomon and the two mothers' daughter
So cut me in half, split the baby,
And let us see who gets the best part of me.

Aging fingers, sagging wrinkles, tired bones
Old letters, worn out pictures, painted stones
Some rusted cooking pots and left overs from mom's
We spilled all we had out on the table
Found only our feelings posing as absentees
A sign pointing us in two directions saying simply it's time to leave
So go back to where you were, and I'll go where I need to be.

[The Personist]

It's late right now and i want to give this a good, fully-attentive critique. Quote me if I don't remember to do so tomorrow.

[beazer32]

i really love this. i think it's beautifully written.

now i don't consider myself to be a worthy critic by any means, so take this with a grain of salt.. but just as a reader, the only part that doesn't feel right are the last two lines of this:

With a foot in the sand, the other in the water
This situation felt all too similar to
Solomon and the two mothers' daughter
So cut me in half, split the baby,
And let us see who gets the best part of me.

i think saying "split the baby" is a bit redundant, you know? maybe it wouldn't be to someone who isn't familiar with the story, but i think for most people saying "cut me in half" and "split the baby" just means the same thing because you've already established the connection between the two in the previous line. and the last line doesn't sit right with me either. maybe if you said "let us see who gets the better part of me." i don't know... that's the only part that i would revise a bit.

but like i said, i really like it.

i think my favorite part is:

Like a rotten wooden rail
We're too loose footed and frail
For these heavy hearts to lean on.

i don't know why, i just really like the imagery of the rotten wooden rail.

that's all!

[bootsydan]

This is really good.

The only thing I wasn't sure about was the meaning of the 4th stanza. But that doesn't mean it's bad. Probably just my lack of knowledge...

I also recognized this from something you've posted earlier:

Yet we've held unto these maps
Without changing routes or looking back
And while the ones we choose took separate roads
The cities were different only by their names.

I like that. But I liked it all really, so well done.


Also I never get around to replying to your response to the poem I posted last week, but wanna say thanks for that.

[TK]

It's late right now and i want to give this a good, fully-attentive critique. Quote me if I don't remember to do so tomorrow.

Quoted.

i really love this. i think it's beautifully written.

now i don't consider myself to be a worthy critic by any means, so take this with a grain of salt.. but just as a reader, the only part that doesn't feel right are the last two lines of this:

With a foot in the sand, the other in the water
This situation felt all too similar to
Solomon and the two mothers' daughter
So cut me in half, split the baby,
And let us see who gets the best part of me.

i think saying "split the baby" is a bit redundant, you know? maybe it wouldn't be to someone who isn't familiar with the story, but i think for most people saying "cut me in half" and "split the baby" just means the same thing because you've already established the connection between the two in the previous line. and the last line doesn't sit right with me either. maybe if you said "let us see who gets the better part of me." i don't know... that's the only part that i would revise a bit.

but like i said, i really like it.

i think my favorite part is:

Like a rotten wooden rail
We're too loose footed and frail
For these heavy hearts to lean on.

i don't know why, i just really like the imagery of the rotten wooden rail.

that's all!

Split the baby is in there to improve the flow and reinforce the image. It's also meant to be a reference for those who are unfamiliar with the story. And thanks for your suggestion, I believe you are right that grammatically it should be "better". I've toyed with it, and I'm not sure if I should change it. It would be correct, but seems really awkward in the line. Although I definitely appreciate you pointing that out, and for your feedback. Thanks.

This is really good.

The only thing I wasn't sure about was the meaning of the 4th stanza. But that doesn't mean it's bad. Probably just my lack of knowledge...

I also recognized this from something you've posted earlier:

Yet we've held unto these maps
Without changing routes or looking back
And while the ones we choose took separate roads
The cities were different only by their names.

I like that. But I liked it all really, so well done.


Also I never get around to replying to your response to the poem I posted last week, but wanna say thanks for that.

Was it the Solomon and two mothers reference or just to what the stanza's meaning was that you were confused about?

Ah yes, I remember posting two of those lines in the discussion thread. When I first wrote them, they had almost an completely opposite thought behind them then they do now. It's funny how much things can change in a couple months. And thanks for the kind comments, it's nice to see you like something I've written for a change, haha.

And no problem, I wanted to at least try to leave decent feedback since you always comment on my stuff. I feel bad when I don't return the favor.

[The Personist]

Box-sitting in alleyways
Listening to the simple things
That scenery can convey.
Watching the gutters rip
When the rain came down in
Frozen balls and broken strips
All the while, thinking to myself
Like a rotten wooden rail
We're too loose footed and frail
For these heavy hearts to lean on.

You have a nice flow here. I think the worst part, for me, was teh rail/frail rhyme; it felt awkward. The image, though, was nice. Heavy hearts is cliche. Solid stanza, though.


Yet we've held unto these maps
Without changing routes or looking back
And while the ones we choose took separate roads
The cities were different only by their names.
Still, we've complemented each other in distance
Why ruin that approach by bringing closeness?

"Why ruin that approach" seems to be enough; the "by bringing closeness" is redundant. I love the "maps/back" rhyme-ish thing (I forget the technical term, sorry). I believe you meant "onto" and not "unto." "The cities were different only by their names" seems a little awkward...can you rephrase this to make it more comfortable syntactically?

These lines and circles are always being drawn
The dilemmas only come when deciding which
Ones are intersecting and which ones are not.

I'm not a fan of this stanza. It didn't seem necessary.

With a foot in the sand, the other in the water
This situation felt all too similar to
Solomon and the two mothers' daughter
So cut me in half, split the baby,
And let us see who gets the best part of me.
I like the "cut me in half, split the baby," because it implies both you and the baby are being divided, though I feel like it might work better if cutting the baby in half might work better BEFORE you got cut in half. That way, the metaphor of you being divided like the baby would work. Uh..."daughter" is an unnecessary word. It gives away too much about that allusion; if you say, "Solomon and the two mothers," we get the daughter part implicitly. Similarly, if you drop the "of me" off the last line, it makes it more ambiguous, compelling, and musical. Thus, we don't know if the best part was of you, of the baby, or of you by way of the baby.

Aging fingers, sagging wrinkles, tired bones
Old letters, worn out pictures, painted stones
Some rusted cooking pots and left overs from mom's
We spilled all we had out on the table
Found only our feelings posing as absentees
A sign pointing us in two directions saying simply it's time to leave
So go back to where you were, and I'll go where I need to be.


I feel like after the list here, the stuff about "we spilled...etc etc" is somewhat cliche...I like it a lot less than I like the rest of this. Is there a way you could say all that without directly stating it? It would make for more compelling imagery.

in general, nice. I liked parts of this a lot. I think you need to revise it, of course, but you've got a nice base on which to build.

Oh, and check your PMs in the next few minutes...