never be the same

[pyrod27]

alright scrap that how about this



speed is to the pattern of my life force
that when i feel my life go on my edge
i move in this life along the grey hedge
my blood blazes and curddles with the source
to take the road or the dirt path is choice
i feel most comfortable on the ledges
if i fall or if i jump on my life will dredge
will my life move far away from that source
to find a new pattern, what i must do
to choose for better is my problem
i choose to bleed my life out in past pain
to avoid all i have and love to lose
will the chosen path become traveled on?

[BryterJonah]

Loved the twist ending.

[thespearkid]

Awful.

1. Cliche.
2. No form.
3. No metaphors.
4. No poetic devices what so ever.

[newtothis]

umm... heartfelt. Although, you sitting outside the window all the time makes you sound a bit like a stalker/creeper. You might want to think about that (your phrasing)

[BryterJonah]

Only tools refer to other people as "baby". At least in my experience.

[newtothis]

Only tools refer to other people as "baby". At least in my experience.

what do you mean, baby?

[fishingthe_sky]

Honestly, this is nothing more than a top 40 pop song. It's a cliched and shallow treatment of the subject matter with nothing interesting to offer. And there's way too many "baby baby"'s for it's own good (frankly, one is too much). But I'm sure Kelly Clarkson could turn this into a decent hit.

[newtothis]

Honestly, this is nothing more than a top 40 pop song. It's a cliched and shallow treatment of the subject matter with nothing interesting to offer. And there's way too many "baby baby"'s for it's own good (frankly, one is too much). But I'm sure Kelly Clarkson could turn this into a decent hit.

Or celine dion

[fishingthe_sky]

Or celine dion
She's off the pop chart market cause she's running the Vegas circuit. I think Clarkson's our best bet.

[thespearkid]

I like Kelly Clarkson. Can we give this one to JoJo or Hannah Montana?

[fishingthe_sky]

I like Kelly Clarkson. Can we give this one to JoJo or Hannah Montana?
I like her, too. Since You've Been Gone is like aural crack. I guess we can give it to Hannah. Is JoJo even around anymore?

[newtothis]

I like her, too. Since You've Been Gone is like aural crack. I guess we can give it to Hannah. Is JoJo even around anymore?

I don't think Hannah could do this one justice.Ok, I'm going to pull out the Dolly. (parton)

[SuicideKing]

Honestly, this is nothing more than a top 40 pop song. It's a cliched and shallow treatment of the subject matter with nothing interesting to offer. And there's way too many "baby baby"'s for it's own good (frankly, one is too much). But I'm sure Kelly Clarkson could turn this into a decent hit.

so, i realize i'm dating myself with this, but isn't the whole "baby, baby" thing Amy Grant's territory? i realize that was like 20 years ago, but still, she's going to get pretty upset if someone else uses the ONLY thing she was famous for.

[pyrod27]

sorry this was just the first song i ever wrote.it was to my gf at the time.ill take some time and redo it now and see what you people think then eh....?

[BryterJonah]

Hint: Nobody gives a shit about your mediocre love life. It sounds like you're a bitch without a back bone in this little fling.

Disgusting.

[pyrod27]

Hint: Nobody gives a shit about your mediocre love life. It sounds like you're a bitch without a back bone in this little fling.

Disgusting.


so first you like it
then you say im a tool
now you say im a bitch with no back bone?
are you confused?

[BryterJonah]

Well, how could anyone not respect the riveting conclusion that you are, in fact, in love with the chick you're stalking.

Sarcasm

[pyrod27]

pieces of light shine through the cracks that create the darkness

pieces of shadow hang in the cracks that creat the light

its all a matter of view

it may be shallow and dimwitted but so was the girl it was writtin for

so if you were shallow wouldnt you love it.like they said kelly clarkson might make a good hit off of it.

[pyrod27]

Well, how could anyone not respect the riveting conclusion that you are, in fact, in love with the chick you're stalking.

Sarcasm

im kind of a blunt person it wasnt supposed to be behind and around some words.it means exactly what it sayes.i couldnt pull anything thing else from it.so i figured she couldnt either.i doubt you could pull underliying meaning from it.it wasnt meant to be deep

[The Personist]

Well, how could anyone not respect the riveting conclusion that you are, in fact, in love with the chick you're stalking.

Sarcasm

Listen, I understand that you don't like some of the stuff being posted here. I don't either. I do not like this song and agree with everyone who said it was sub-par and needed work; however, you can say that without being such a simpering, self-indulgent child about it. I know it feels great to let off some steam by trashing something you don't like; hell, I do it occasionally. But you are a blight in this forum. Instead of providing any sense of feedback or constructive criticism--or even just plain CRITICISM, for that matter--you sling insults about and make of everything here a mockery. In my eyes, that puts you on the same level as xlessthanthreex. You're just rude. You're chasing away people from this forum. Stop it. You do not have the authority to level such unhelpful, useless slanders of works you don't like. You could simply say something constructive...or not say anything at all. Expressing dissent need not be vehement or crude.

Grow up or get out.

[BryterJonah]

you sling insults about and make of everything here a mockery. In my eyes, that puts you on the same level as xlessthanthreex. You're just rude. You're chasing away people from this forum. Stop it. You do not have the authority to level such unhelpful, useless slanders of works you don't like. You could simply say something constructive...or not say anything at all. Expressing dissent need not be vehement or crude.

Grow up or get out.
Sorry, cynicism is a major problem with me. I'll try to keep it more to myself in the future.

[The Personist]

Sorry, cynicism is a major problem with me. I'll try to keep it more to myself in the future.

I'm rather cynical at times, too. But I don't take it out on other people. That's a maturity thing.

[BryterJonah]

I'm just not a master at critiquing like you. My voice still needs some leverage in this whole poetry field.

[The Personist]

I'm just not a master at critiquing like you. My voice still needs some leverage in this whole poetry field.

Your sarcasm is not funny. You should know enough to be respectful.

[BryterJonah]

I wasn't being sarcastic.

[fightinirish217]

So you're stalkin' her...

[pyrod27]

So you're stalkin' her...

no.lol
i wrote it while i was with her.it does seem rather stalkerish tho.but her window was a major place while i was with her.it is just personal reasons behind the words.but now that is over i want to make a better song out of it.

[hamish.]

So, so repetitive. It had no flow, it seemed like you were stuck for what to write, so you re-wrote the same thing numerous times.

[pyrod27]

i changed it.take a look and what do you think of the new?

[pyrod27]

i changed it.take a look and what do you think of the new?

[newtothis]

where is it?

[pyrod27]

i decided to scrap it and put this in its place at the start of the thread


speed is to the pattern of my life force
that when i feel my life go on my edge
i move in this life along the grey hedge
my blood blazes and curddles with the source
to take the road or the dirt path is choice
i feel most comfortable on the ledges
if i fall or if i jump on my life will dredge
will my life move far away from that source
to find a new pattern, what i must do
to choose for better is my problem
i choose to bleed my life out in past pain
to avoid all i have and love to lose
will the chosen path become traveled on?

[pyrod27]

i tried to do it in an italian sonnet form.