I Can't Sing at 10 PM

[TheSkyline]

I don't think of myself as a great lyricist, but I am obviously trying to improve, any advice or constructive criticism is welcomed.

I Can't Sing At 10 PM

I'll sit down with his girl
and watch this movie for the thousandth time.
I've seen it before,
I know it line for line.

I've waited my life for a night like this
it might be bad but it's my one last chance,
one last chance.

Oh no, not again.
I've seen how the story starts
but I don't want to see how it ends.
With me, on the sidelines
being stuck with words like,
"You'll always be my best freind" and
"No matter what, I'm sure we'll make it through to the end"
But where will you be?
Far away from me.

As the actor reads his lines,
I realize, this movie's nothing like my life.
The boy gets the girl,
he ends up alright.

Oh no, not again.
I've seen how the story starts
but I don't want to see how it ends.
With me, on the sidelines
being stuck with words like,
"you'll always be my best freind" and
"no matter what, im sure we'll make it through to the end"
But where will you be?
Far away from me.

But don't worry, I can handle this on my own.
On my own.



By the way, the song title is just an inside joke with the rest of my band if anyone was wondering what that has to do with the song, haha. You can hear a demo of the song here- www.myspace.com/5fivedollarrefund

[TheSkyline]

Anything guys? Any criticism is welcomed.

[drivthru182]

I don't like the whole sidelines thing. You're comparing a scenario to a movie, don't mix metaphors and throw in sports terms. Also, the lyrics kind of seem vague: why is this your last chance? I believe maybe more time spent on how you're pining over another man's girl might make the song more appealing. Actors don't read lines, they recite them. They act them. And if we shouldn't worry cause you can handle this on your own, then why sing about it? I also watched the video of your band performing this song. I feel that the lyrics are too forced with the music.

Sorry if that's really harsh, but I'm here to help. Keep it up though, man!

[TheSkyline]

Ah, fair enough man, thanks! Yeah, I see what you mean about mixing metaphors. And the last lines were intended to be sung to the girl, not the listener, but like you said, I didn't clarify on that, so that's my bad.
What do you mean by the lyrics seemed forced with the music? I don't think I follow.
Thanks again!

[drivthru182]

Some of the lines seem very rushed and squeezed in there or too wordy. It's 3 AM right now and I can't really put into words what I mean, but yea.

[TheSkyline]

Ah, no I understand what you mean, that makes sense. I'll try to fix it up sometime keeping in mind what you said. Thanks!

[TheSkyline]

Bump? Any body elses opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[herestolifepat]

pretty good i like songs that don't have a very repetative feel and this is a good example of that

[TheSkyline]

Ah, thanks man. Yeah, we only do the chorus twice, but there's a bunch of other parts to the song besides the verses and choruses, it's one of our longer songs.

[TheSkyline]

I don't like the whole sidelines thing. You're comparing a scenario to a movie, don't mix metaphors and throw in sports terms. Also, the lyrics kind of seem vague: why is this your last chance? I believe maybe more time spent on how you're pining over another man's girl might make the song more appealing. Actors don't read lines, they recite them. They act them. And if we shouldn't worry cause you can handle this on your own, then why sing about it? I also watched the video of your band performing this song. I feel that the lyrics are too forced with the music.

Sorry if that's really harsh, but I'm here to help. Keep it up though, man!


I went ahead and tried to revise the lyrics based on what you've told me. I haven't tried putting the revised lyrics with the music but it should fit in without me having to change anything, instrumentally that is. Let me know if this is any better.

I Can't Sing at 10 PM (revised)

I'll sit down with his girl
and watch this movie for the thousandth time.
I've seen it before,
I know it line for line.

I've waited my life for a night like this,
You'll be gone by tomorrow,
and it's my one last chance.
One last chance.


Oh no, not again.
I've seen how the story starts
but I don't want to see how it ends.
With me, saying goodbye,
and being stuck with lies like,
"You'll always be my best freind" and
"No matter what, I'm sure we'll see each other again."
But where will you be?
Far away from me.

As the actor reads his lines,
I realize, this movie's nothing like my life.
The boy gets the girl,
he ends up alright.
Alright.

Oh no, not again.
I've seen how the story starts
but I don't want to see how it ends.
With me, saying goodbye,
and being stuck with lies like,
"you'll always be my best freind" and
"no matter what, I'm sure we'll see each other again."
But where will you be?
Far away from me.

All my life you led me on,
and all this time I played along.


I tried to make the lyrics more focused and less vague, I personally like this revision more, so thanks drivethru182, your tough criticism really helped me out! :-)
Any better? Maybe you prefer the original more? Any feedback from anyone would be awesome.

[TheSkyline]

Anyone? I would just like some validation that the revision is at least a little better, haha.