Southern Belle

[Animalhill]

***super rough draft. Wrote it in an airport in North Carolina before my flight home. Let me know what you think

We were drinking down boundary lines underneath a Dixie sun.
And the speed of our mouths were inevitably sorting out the
trash of casual conversation.
Every verb of mine would light up her
lit up little mind and by the time it seemed the time to try
I didn’t even have to try.

My southern Belle- ring until I can’t breathe.
Oh, the toll it takes on me.

We were sneaking round like coyotes underneath a Dixie moon.
And the moonshine shine that swam around in her eyes
Made mine roll back in my head-
And sitting there inside was a
Girl in her prime that flexed when I reached and
Reached when I flexed and the impression it left
Will be tucked forever in the pocket of my mind.

My southern Belle- ring until I can’t breathe.
Aw, the toll it takes on me.

When I smiled, she crossed herself like there was a hex
Stuck in my teeth, and I’m beginning to think that there is.

[Animalhill]

Nada? No suggestions? Come on-wrote this in an airport on my ipod touch. Need some opinions.

[The Personist]

I think it feels too much like you're trying to be clever. "Every verb would light up her/lit up little mind and by the time it seemed time to try/I didn't even have to try" is such a wordy little bit, and all based around a play on words. While this kind of linguistic play can sometimes be effective, I feel like it was lifted up as more important than the rest of the work, so that you were showing off how you could play with words rather than working for an effective piece. I'm not saying that's what you were trying to do, but that's how it felt. I attribute that to this being a rough draft, because I do similar things when I have ideas and jot them down. It takes a little play and exploration before I'm settled on wording.

[thespearkid]

Southern Belle is the name of one of my favorite Elliott Smith songs.

[Animalhill]

I think it feels too much like you're trying to be clever. "Every verb would light up her/lit up little mind and by the time it seemed time to try/I didn't even have to try" is such a wordy little bit, and all based around a play on words. While this kind of linguistic play can sometimes be effective, I feel like it was lifted up as more important than the rest of the work, so that you were showing off how you could play with words rather than working for an effective piece. I'm not saying that's what you were trying to do, but that's how it felt. I attribute that to this being a rough draft, because I do similar things when I have ideas and jot them down. It takes a little play and exploration before I'm settled on wording.

Word- mad thanks. I agree- and though it is meant to be a song, and that bit built for melodic prowess more so than straight lyrical content, I think you are right that it needs to be payed with.

[Animalhill]

Southern Belle is the name of one of my favorite Elliott Smith songs.
:-0 Had no idea that was already a song title- thanks for the heads up!