Our Winter Season

[Slurps]

Not finished yet, just wanted to see what people though so far.

Our Winter Season

The snow falls down on us
As we walk through this white crystal park
You make a snow angel
But you’re already an angel in my eyes

I think it’s about time
That I wake up from this dream

I’m tired of trying and not getting far
Remember that night we both sat in my car

I think it’s about time
That I wake up from this dream
You don’t want me

I called you when the snow started to fall
You said I want to be with you forever
We built a snowman five feet tall
But clearly what you meant was never

[SLADE775]

I think it's way to cliche man

you need to think outside the box

[Slurps]

I think it's way to cliche man

you need to think outside the box

Ok, thanks for the advice.

[ArTkY_]

What Slade said.

Hi Slurps.

[SLADE775]

Ok, thanks for the advice.

No problem.

Just try and incorperate some orginality.

It's not horrible by any means it has potential.

[Slurps]

What exactly does cliche mean, is it like something that is like used a lot or something?

[leafsacc]

What exactly does cliche mean, is it like something that is like used a lot or something?

yeah, like "we'll take it one game at a time."

[SLADE775]

Not finished yet, just wanted to see what people though so far.

Our Winter Season

The snow falls down on us ( okay nothing wrong here)
As we walk through this white crystal park ( this line is fine)
You make a snow angel (i'd cut this and the next line out, way too sappy)
But you’re already an angel in my eyes (above)

I think it’s about time ( these lines are cliche meaning they sound like everything else)
That I wake up from this dream (above, also this line seems to take off on an odd tangant)

I’m tired of trying and not getting far (cliche)
Remember that night we both sat in my car (cliche)

I think it’s about time (same as above)
That I wake up from this dream (same as above)
You don’t want me (very cliche and sappy)

I called you when the snow started to fall (this line could work)
You said I want to be with you forever (these next three lines just have to go)
We built a snowman five feet tall (above)
But clearly what you meant was never (above)


see above.

[Slurps]

see above.

Ya i've been working on the

I'm tired of trying and not getting far
remember those nights we both sat in my car

and the last 3 lines i have (those are just horrible i must admit)

and the snow angel part doesn't sound right when i try singing it so i've been trying to fix that up

[Slurps]

Slade what do you mean when you say sappy?

Also does this verse sound good or is it to cliche?

We’ve been through this
We’ve been through that
I’ll leave the room
And tip my hat

[SLADE775]

Slade what do you mean when you say sappy?

Also does this verse sound good or is it to cliche?

We’ve been through this
We’ve been through that
I’ll leave the room
And tip my hat

those lines are okay....depends on you apply them. I've noticed that finding unique words really help out with a songs integrity.

Sappy means....cringe worthy, you know like overly (lovey dovey, yuck!)

[Slurps]

those lines are okay....depends on you apply them. I've noticed that finding unique words really help out with a songs integrity.

Sappy means....cringe worthy, you know like overly (lovey dovey, yuck!)

Ya i don't know if i'm going to put those lines into this song.... i think i'll make another song for those.

[theMATEOlife]

i think you should try to think more about the different possibilities for your rhyme schemes. they seem a little contrived. just a lil work would make this pretty good

[Slurps]

i think you should try to think more about the different possibilities for your rhyme schemes. they seem a little contrived. just a lil work would make this pretty good

Ok, thanks.