sinners & saints

[halifaxonfire]

okay so, this is the first thing i've ever posted in this part of the forums, and i know i'm taking a big risk by posting this, but hopefully i won't get ripped apart too bad haha. but i'm really hoping to improve my writing so any and all feedback is appreciated!


[Verse 1]:
We’re the last ones of a dying breed
We got the clothes on our backs
And our hearts on our sleeves
And we, we don’t mean anything to anyone

[Verse 2]:
We scream loud at the top of our lungs
We watch the world pass by
Because we know we’re still too young
Too young to care about anything

[Chorus]:
We live like sinners
But we’ll die like saints
We dream our lives away
While we’re wide awake
And we, we sing to save ourselves some sleep

Yea we live like sinners
But we’ll die like saints
We dream our lives away
While we’re wide awake
And we, we sing to save ourselves some sleep

[Verse 3]:
We cut ourselves loose from our strings
We’re just aging angels
On fragile wings we fly
We fly as far as they can take us before they crumble

[Chorus]

[Verse 4]:
We speak in whispers and move like ghosts
It keeps us safe from harm
But shelters us from love, I suppose
and we never made it past the front door

[Chorus]

[Outro]
We’ll never know
We’ll never know
We’ll never know what it’s like to feel alive

[SuicideKing]

you could pick just about any mediocre hardcore band out there and their lyrics would match up to this easily. if that's the kind of music you're into that's fine, but you need to figure out fresh imagery if you want this to be interesting. you can keep the themes, but try and find a unique way of talking about them. something that isn't cliche. the whole sinners/saints dichotomy, the fragile wings/ icarus metaphors, their all widely used already. hope that's somewhat helpful, keep trying

[halifaxonfire]

you could pick just about any mediocre hardcore band out there and their lyrics would match up to this easily. if that's the kind of music you're into that's fine, but you need to figure out fresh imagery if you want this to be interesting. you can keep the themes, but try and find a unique way of talking about them. something that isn't cliche. the whole sinners/saints dichotomy, the fragile wings/ icarus metaphors, their all widely used already. hope that's somewhat helpful, keep trying

thanks for reading and for the feedback man! my tendency to lean toward the cliche is probably my main problem. it seems no matter how much i try to avoid using cliches i always find myself falling back on them without even realizing it. and i'm not huge on hardcore, but i can see where you're coming from with the lyrics matching up, and that's obviously something i don't want haha. i think with the right revisions i can still turn this into something good, so please keep the feedback coming guys!

[halifaxonfire]

anyone else?

[newtothis]

thanks for reading and for the feedback man! my tendency to lean toward the cliche is probably my main problem. it seems no matter how much i try to avoid using cliches i always find myself falling back on them without even realizing it. and i'm not huge on hardcore, but i can see where you're coming from with the lyrics matching up, and that's obviously something i don't want haha. i think with the right revisions i can still turn this into something good, so please keep the feedback coming guys!

I agree that this is cliche. It really isn't anything too special to me. What do you mean that you sing to save sleep?