Being a writer blows (tl;dr).

[deathinkosovo]

Not that I'd call myself a writer.

I'm finding it harder and harder to enjoy certain things these days -- good, creative writing, namely. I don't know why, or how I've worked myself into this groove of writer's envy, but it's really affecting me as of late. Like tonight, for example: I watched a bunch of videos from this 24-year-old guy from Oregon, and they're all genuinely hilarious. He gets a good amount of replies and views on his work, which is very well-written and produced, while I'm kind of rotting away not doing much of anything post-graduation. The first thought I have after a long night of reading blogs and humor sites is no longer the simple "haha," but something a lot more bitter, perhaps a "Why can't I be that creative?"

I feel like I've done my part to be a success. I did the four years of college, got my good grades, got a lot out of all my classes, learned the AP style guide cover to cover and have even been published in a number of publications. Most importantly, I feel, is that I am passionate for my writing, and work on it every day, whether it's just jotting a few thoughts down, or setting aside three hours to flesh out a full piece. I have an internship at a big-time paper coming up rather shortly, as well, and yet, I'm still freaking out, as if what I am doing, and have done, is not good enough. And will never be good enough.

Reading through conversations with my friend, who is my age, but a year behind in school, is a bit difficult. She has no internships or major-relevant jobs to put on her resume. She has no work experience, or special skills. She has nothing lined up. But, what she does have, is day-to-day happiness. Sure, sometimes she'll get a little down on herself, but that's because she's a procrastinator. She never becomes jealous of other people though -- she's more the admiring-from-afar type. Why can't I do that? You know, respect what others in my age bracket are doing and keep my chin up? Because what I'm experiencing right now is too crippling to just "get over."

Who knows what's wrong with me? I am, admittedly, an overly sensitive person, and someone who is easily affected. Those are some of my weaker qualities. At the same time, though, I feel I am accomplished enough, and dedicated enough to get to where I want to be. Sort of. And believe me, there's nothing more embarrassing for me than pouring my little soul out before you all, but being a green person is starting to affect my output, as well as my potential.

I suppose I could try anal. Done that before, and that seemed to solve a number of my problems and even answer a few of my most burning questions (the foremost being, "Do !!! sound better or worse when I'm balls deep in a girl I like?" Better). I could also just focus on the popular stuff, ignoring all the blogs and fancy video sites where people my age get Web-famous for 15 minutes. For whatever reason I do not envy the already famous; only the soon-to-be, or potentially-famous.

So, my question to all you is not what dance-happy indie rock band you think would sound great during coitus, but this: Do you ever feel similar? You don't have to be a writer, because I'm pretty sure this feeling is universal. If you're a B- or C-list actor, you want to be like Brad Pitt, or if you're a minor league ballplayer, you want to be like Albert Pujols. In my case, I am a kid who has his bachelor's degree, sometimes impresses his 450 Facebook friends with his silly notes and wants to be like Richard Roeper.

Not that I'd call him a writer.

[Reaver]

tl/dr

[Heart-A-Tact]

My answer to your question: yes. Continue writing and, through that, you will continue developing. Envy of others' work is natural, though it seems that yours is mixed with fear. Chances are, it's already a thought that's crossed your mind, but, if you're scared of never being the creative equal (in your own way) to those whose creativity you admire, chances are, you won't be. There's little advice I can give you on the "being overly sensitive" bit, as it's something I fight with, as well, but, observe others' work, let it influence you, and, from there, make your own way in writing creatively and effectively. Hope this doesn't seem too much like a stock answer.

[deathinkosovo]

Not a stock answer by any means. The "it's something I fight with, as well" bit helps more than anything. I just find it weird how easy it is to be derailed by something like this. Late night surfing is a great way to wind down, but the Internet is so expansive nowadays, it's hard to put forth an original idea or thought. You think of something clever, type it into Google and find half a dozen other people who had that same idea before you, and created a whole Web site dedicated to it. That's the depressing part of this: that originality itself tends to be waning, and "good" is being replaced with "good enough."

The only consolation I can give myself at this time is that I don't really see myself as a funnyman so much as that is how my friends see me. I'm more into entertainment journalism and free writing than attempting to be funny or "creative." So, that poses the question once again: Why do I even care?

[killerswells]

I went through the same thing man. All day I spend my time in a cubicle online reading these genuine, creative, and unbelievable well put together blogs/videos/stories etc, that either make me laugh hysterically, or make me think deeply. It got to a point where I was almost depressed because I wasn't funny/witty/famous enough among my friends/peers for my own liking. I started my own blog about 5 or 6 months ago. Not for anyone else, but for myself. I wrote what I liked, and what made me laugh. I literally would crack up to myself while creating it. And while others may not appreciate it, I sure do. It was a creative outlet that I needed to do.

About a month ago, 3 or 4 friends came to me and said they loved my blog, and that they check it everyday for new updates, just so they can have a laugh. I had no idea people even read it. It has now spread throughout my circle of friends, and over 50 people have told me how much they enjoy it. At first, I was grateful and felt like I was having my 15 minutes of fame within my social circle. I was always considered the funny guy, but now I was getting recognition for it.

Now, I hate it. I feel like I am no longer writing for my own enjoyment, or for my own creative output. I am writing for others amusement. Every time I blog it feels forced and unfunny. (haha ETIB)

I guess what I'm getting at is, write for yourself, no one else. Don't compare yourself to others because, to be honest, you are not them. Write what you love and what inspires you. Don't worry so much about what others are doing with their lives. This is your life, do what you want, write what you want.

Sorry this was so long.

[deathinkosovo]

Not long at all, and a very good piece of advice I will actually attempt to take to heart. I do keep a personal blog that only my eyes can see (I guess that'd make it a diary? Boo), and a lot of it does come off as clever and deep. I'd never un-protect it, though, just because I do like writing for me so much.

Writing kind of bites sometimes, because it's a profession in which there is no escaping the public eye. So, I feel the natural reaction is that you have to be A) paid, first and foremost, B) published and C) rewarded for being published, whether it's from fame or infamy or something else. Everybody needs to feel special at least once in their lives, and everybody needs to feel they're good at what they do for a living. I currently don't feel too much of that, but, as you were saying, I'm not sure how much I could ultimately take before I'd feel pressured into writing for their needs over my own.

[killerswells]

I don't see anything wrong with having a self-blog/ diary. It's not like you are doing it to be cool and complain about how you didn't get allowance and now can't go and buy the smiths album that came out 20 years ago and cut yourself while in a state of self loathing.

I see what you mean about wanting to feel like you are good at what you do. And, in a writers world, being published and getting credit from peers is pretty much the bees knees of being a good writer. I think though, and what you need to realize, is that you are young, and people that have gained 15 minutes of fame have exactly that, 15 minutes of fame, nothing more. But, those that have worked their entire lives at being great writers are the ones who are actually remembered. (Palahniuk was some kind of mechanic or engineer while writing what came to be fight club. You may not like Chuck, but this is AP, and I figured it was a good example).

I used to work for a shitty local magazine while living in Florida during college. I spent all my time chasing around shit stories and shit local bands writing about whoever and whatever I could. I didn't care if we were famous, or even if we were well known in the local scene. I did it because it was fun, and something I liked being a part of. Eventually, we got enough money to follow warped tour around some of the southeast one summer. It was probably one of the coolest summers of my life.

While the magazine folded because well, to be honest, no one bought it, and we were bleeding money out of our own pockets, I wouldn't trade the experience for the world. Moral of the story, don't worry about what others think about your writing. There will be negative critics always. If you write what means something to you, or are doing something you believe in, it will always be worth your while.

haha, I think this is the first time I have ever responded seriously, and not just 'anal'.

[deathinkosovo]

Aye, hit a soft spot, did I? I did cover the 'anal' topic pretty well in my introductory post, however.

I currently write for a rather small indie zine based out of Seattle. The gig is unpaid, but I've interviewed a good number of my favorite bands/musicians, and it really has paid some dividends for me. I'm able to get into sold out shows via the guest list, it looks great on a resume and, like you said, it's something I enjoy doing. It's not the best writing in the world -- I can admit I am a pretty lacking album/show reviewer -- but it's a lot of fun to go out for the night, meet some new people and come home with the set list before writing something a decent amount of people will see. It's by no means glamorous, but it has helped.

The self-blog is basically my outlet to bitch about girls I like, yet can't have, and old school/work-related nonsense. Really pointless, really neurotic and really personal. It embarrasses me sometimes because it does come off teenager-y, but there's some beauty in that. I never want to be insensitive; I think I'd take being too sensitive over completely numbing myself any day of the week. I had a similar journal when I was 17, on livejournal of all places, where I just spouted off a paragraph or so every week on how mean my dad was to me. I'd like to believe I have matured, and moved beyond that, but reading some of the older posts on it, I can't possibly agree with that. That's not to say I haven't progressed in the 20 months I've written for it. I've progressed plenty, but it's mostly technical and not contextual.

Maybe what gets me about the envy thing is how big a discrepancy there is between me and my old university, and me and other people out there who have "made it." I used to write for the student paper, and many considered my work to be of quality. I received many compliments from family, friends, colleagues and even the professors I look up to and now use as professional references. But, at the same time, I developed a big head from it all. I felt I was so far above everyone else working there that I grew conceited. Certainly, the "you're so funny" comments didn't help that ego boost I was experiencing. I can say that I was one of the only "pure" writers in that newsroom, and someone who knew his stuff left and right. That parlayed into landing the internship I am about to start, but it also lulled me into a false sense of success. After seeing these clever/witty/funny blogs and Web sites, I feel marginally-talented by comparison, and like all the work I had put in at the school's paper was worthless, because I'd never beat these other people.

What I should do, I know, is take what I have for what its worth, and be proud that I'm not a complete idiot. But I can't. My mind won't let me. I'm such a perfectionist in my own work that when I find someone else who maybe isn't, and somehow is putting out more successful/good pieces than my own, it bugs me. Almost incessantly. And that's a pill that is hard to swallow. How can it come so easy for them, but not for me? I wonder if that's a question some of the "fans" of my writing are asking themselves? Only in my head, I'd estimate. Only in my head.

[SSLYBY]

holy shit.

[jawstheme]

Aye, hit a soft spot, did I? I did cover the 'anal' topic pretty well in my introductory post, however.

I currently write for a rather small indie zine based out of Seattle. The gig is unpaid, but I've interviewed a good number of my favorite bands/musicians, and it really has paid some dividends for me. I'm able to get into sold out shows via the guest list, it looks great on a resume and, like you said, it's something I enjoy doing. It's not the best writing in the world -- I can admit I am a pretty lacking album/show reviewer -- but it's a lot of fun to go out for the night, meet some new people and come home with the set list before writing something a decent amount of people will see. It's by no means glamorous, but it has helped.

The self-blog is basically my outlet to bitch about girls I like, yet can't have, and old school/work-related nonsense. Really pointless, really neurotic and really personal. It embarrasses me sometimes because it does come off teenager-y, but there's some beauty in that. I never want to be insensitive; I think I'd take being too sensitive over completely numbing myself any day of the week. I had a similar journal when I was 17, on livejournal of all places, where I just spouted off a paragraph or so every week on how mean my dad was to me. I'd like to believe I have matured, and moved beyond that, but reading some of the older posts on it, I can't possibly agree with that. That's not to say I haven't progressed in the 20 months I've written for it. I've progressed plenty, but it's mostly technical and not contextual.

Maybe what gets me about the envy thing is how big a discrepancy there is between me and my old university, and me and other people out there who have "made it." I used to write for the student paper, and many considered my work to be of quality. I received many compliments from family, friends, colleagues and even the professors I look up to and now use as professional references. But, at the same time, I developed a big head from it all. I felt I was so far above everyone else working there that I grew conceited. Certainly, the "you're so funny" comments didn't help that ego boost I was experiencing. I can say that I was one of the only "pure" writers in that newsroom, and someone who knew his stuff left and right. That parlayed into landing the internship I am about to start, but it also lulled me into a false sense of success. After seeing these clever/witty/funny blogs and Web sites, I feel marginally-talented by comparison, and like all the work I had put in at the school's paper was worthless, because I'd never beat these other people.

What I should do, I know, is take what I have for what its worth, and be proud that I'm not a complete idiot. But I can't. My mind won't let me. I'm such a perfectionist in my own work that when I find someone else who maybe isn't, and somehow is putting out more successful/good pieces than my own, it bugs me. Almost incessantly. And that's a pill that is hard to swallow. How can it come so easy for them, but not for me? I wonder if that's a question some of the "fans" of my writing are asking themselves? Only in my head, I'd estimate. Only in my head.

I think you compare yourself to others too much. You should write for yourself, and not worry about the success of others. I can kind of understand were you're coming from I guess. I'm pretty into films, but I try not to let it get me down that Michael Bay still gets to make movies.

[thespearkid]

No fucking way am I reading any of this.

[The Personist]

I write, I have a blog, and I live with these same issues. I guess, when I read this, the first thing I thought of was Bukowski: "what matters most is how well you walk through the fire." (shit, the hipster police are going to rape me for that one).

[Tambourine]

Yep. Definitely feel the same. You just can't let it kill your motivation to keep writing.

[Kozzy333]

Can't believe I read all that. I have no advice. Just keep on writing, maybe you'll get better, maybe you won't.

[deathinkosovo]

Can't believe you read it either. I've been looking to sound off about this, and I will say, this post has helped. I try to keep a low profile around here (this is my first topic), but I couldn't help but jot down some of these thoughts in hopes someone feels similar. I'm surprised so many people have read this, and reacted in the way they did.

I do compare myself to others far too often, and that's my problem. I overthink, overanalyze and worry way too much about things that don't matter now or ever. That's the Catch-22 about being a perfectionist: it's both a good and a bad thing. If I didn't think and worry so much, my writing would be a lot more organic, and I'd save myself a world of stress. But, if I didn't care as much as I did, I doubt my writing would be as good as I feel it can be at times. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, ya know?

[The Personist]

Post yr shit in the share your lyrics and poetry forum.

[bung]

Meh, it's easier to give up dreams than to pursue them.

[Reaver]

Meh, it's easier to give up dreams than to pursue them.

did you never watch one piece? i guess you should

[bung]

did you never watch one piece? i guess you should

One piece?

[Reaver]

One piece?

yeah that's an anime. at least in germany it's pretty common.

whatever

[bung]

yeah that's an anime. at least in germany it's pretty common.

whatever

I watched an anime once that was kinda entertaining and interesting, but I felt like such an utter dorky loser afterward that I could never do it again. :shrug:

[deathinkosovo]

Post yr shit in the share your lyrics and poetry forum.

Oh, God, no. That's the worst stuff I write. I'm more an articles guy, myself.

[Reaver]

I watched an anime once that was kinda entertaining and interesting, but I felt like such an utter dorky loser afterward that I could never do it again. :shrug:

haha, but if you watched it, you would know now that dreams are the most important thing in your life and that you should fight for them. ;-)

[bung]

haha, but if you watched it, you would know now that dreams are the most important thing in your life and that you should fight for them. ;-)

If I can find it on a torrent, I'll check it out. I'm always looking for things that inspire :-)

[Reaver]

If I can find it on a torrent, I'll check it out. I'm always looking for things that inspire :-)

hahaaha, i wasn't too serious you know. i like watching that stuff sometimes bc i find it entertaining and funny, but you're right ofc. it's a total waste of time.

[The Personist]

Oh, God, no. That's the worst stuff I write. I'm more an articles guy, myself.

I'd be happy to read your stuff sometime if you're interested; i'm an aspiring writer as well, as I said. PM me if you ever need a critical eye. What sorts of articles?

[.invisible ink.]

I watched an anime once that was kinda entertaining and interesting, but I felt like such an utter dorky loser afterward that I could never do it again. :shrug:

says the dude who ditches talking to a chick to play Final Fantasy. :-d:-p

[Reaver]

says the dude who ditches talking to a chick to play Final Fantasy. :-d:-p

hahahah, now truth comes out i guess.

[Duexy]

says the dude who ditches talking to a chick to play Final Fantasy. :-d:-p


MMOs before hoes.

[deathinkosovo]

I'd be happy to read your stuff sometime if you're interested; i'm an aspiring writer as well, as I said. PM me if you ever need a critical eye. What sorts of articles?

Well, they're mainly work-related stuff. I was an entertainment columnist for my school's paper, and I did a lot of articles about Twitter and social networking trends.

[LamarVannoy]

dude, i always feel like that. im not a writer though, im an artist. i always feel like my work is never good enough and i always envy the work of those that i go to art school with. i often find myself thinking 'why couldnt i think of something like that?'. its annoying and i feel like im in a bit of a rut at the moment because i havent produced anything recently that i've been particularly proud of or thought was good enough. i guess it just comes with the territory of having a creative mind.

[Andy Antar]

I think this applies to almost all fields. I get this a lot as a reviewer, personally, minus the "impress-the-social-network" business (it's not that I'm trying to be self-righteous by saying that, I just can't be bothered setting up a Facebook and all that jazz).

I find myself seizing up a lot mid-review, and often, I think about giving up. But its part of the creative process, I guess? I don't know, I'm just glad I'm not the only one :/