"Medellin"

[Animalhill]

Oh it’s just how I do- and
how that I do,
is exactly how I did it to you.

Take that shell off your ear, there are no answers in there my dear-
just the same hissing sound that hangs out in the town of your mouth.
All of my interest was always much farther south of your
empty little head and your sad little slouch.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.

I did with you what is done with pianos out of tune;
pawned off to some basement for the amusement of
prodding and drunken hands. And all the dust that collects
in patterns proves that I am an architect.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.

She has fake, fake, fears
about fake, fake, things
and I laughed, laughed, laughed
because everything I need is in me.

[Animalhill]

nada?

[The Personist]

I'll totally read it when I get back from running errands.

You should check out some of the newer stuff I posted in the meantime. Quote me if I don't get to this.

[Animalhill]

I'll totally read it when I get back from running errands.

You should check out some of the newer stuff I posted in the meantime. Quote me if I don't get to this.
Will do man.

[newtothis]

I think I'm a bit confused by the beginning lines for one. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Secondly, I'm not so sure about the repetition and whether or not it is good for the piece. I think my favorite part is the one about the piano. I like it. All in all, I think you could use clarity more than anything.

[Animalhill]

I think I'm a bit confused by the beginning lines for one. It doesn't make any sense to me, and I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Secondly, I'm not so sure about the repetition and whether or not it is good for the piece. I think my favorite part is the one about the piano. I like it. All in all, I think you could use clarity more than anything.
I hear you. The repetition is there because its actually a song (which I should have notated) and that is the chorus. As for the beginning lines, think of it as a response to (insert female name here)'s incredulity at the way that I am. You are right though, I can see how that doesn't come accross without hearing the melody for that part.

[The Personist]

Oh it’s just how I do- and
how that I do,
is exactly how I did it to you.
I don't like this little bit. It seems very cliche and forced. The "it's just the way I do things--including you!" vibe is overwrought, I think, and you could probably find a better image with which to start this piece.


Take that shell off your ear, there are no answers in there my dear-
just the same hissing sound that hangs out in the town of your mouth.
All of my interest was always much farther south of your
empty little head and your sad little slouch.
"the town of your mouth" is a really cool idea, and I see some sense of continuing that image, but I think you should be clearer about it. Like, the second half of the stanza needs to more clearly emphasize the "town" image that you set up. It has potential, and you're definitely making connections; they just could be stronger.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.
I'm not sure how I feel about this refrain. The first two lines aren't TOO bad--maybe a little cliche, though I'm not entirely certain--but "are giving up" doesn't really seem to fit. I think you should find a different way to present that. Perhaps you could give us the opposite of "holding up" and have the bones collapse or something (in a creative way, of course).

I did with you what is done with pianos out of tune;
pawned off to some basement for the amusement of
prodding and drunken hands. And all the dust that collects
in patterns proves that I am an architect.
The bolded line is FANTASTIC. I love that line. It's the best in this piece, and among the best I've read of yours. I don't really think it fits with the rest of the stanza, though, so you should try to figure out a way to make it a more unified verse. The piano metaphor, while more developed, really doesn't do much for me, and I think you would do better to explore that bolded line as the conceit for this whole segment.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.

She has fake, fake, fears
about fake, fake, things
and I laughed, laughed, laughed
because everything I need is in me.
This has a kind of Northstar/Cassino vibe to it, and while I love those bands (Pollyanna is forever one of my favorite albums), I think you could probably work a little more on it, if only because it doesn't fit the tone or style of the rest of the piece.

Overall, you've got some good stuff here. I can see you focusing less on being clever and more on extending your images and developing them more fully, and I really like that. It's obvious you care about your writing. Keep at it!

[Animalhill]

Oh it’s just how I do- and
how that I do,
is exactly how I did it to you.
I don't like this little bit. It seems very cliche and forced. The "it's just the way I do things--including you!" vibe is overwrought, I think, and you could probably find a better image with which to start this piece.


Take that shell off your ear, there are no answers in there my dear-
just the same hissing sound that hangs out in the town of your mouth.
All of my interest was always much farther south of your
empty little head and your sad little slouch.
"the town of your mouth" is a really cool idea, and I see some sense of continuing that image, but I think you should be clearer about it. Like, the second half of the stanza needs to more clearly emphasize the "town" image that you set up. It has potential, and you're definitely making connections; they just could be stronger.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.
I'm not sure how I feel about this refrain. The first two lines aren't TOO bad--maybe a little cliche, though I'm not entirely certain--but "are giving up" doesn't really seem to fit. I think you should find a different way to present that. Perhaps you could give us the opposite of "holding up" and have the bones collapse or something (in a creative way, of course).

I did with you what is done with pianos out of tune;
pawned off to some basement for the amusement of
prodding and drunken hands. And all the dust that collects
in patterns proves that I am an architect.
The bolded line is FANTASTIC. I love that line. It's the best in this piece, and among the best I've read of yours. I don't really think it fits with the rest of the stanza, though, so you should try to figure out a way to make it a more unified verse. The piano metaphor, while more developed, really doesn't do much for me, and I think you would do better to explore that bolded line as the conceit for this whole segment.

Now all the worried bones
that have held up your clothes
are giving up.

She has fake, fake, fears
about fake, fake, things
and I laughed, laughed, laughed
because everything I need is in me.
This has a kind of Northstar/Cassino vibe to it, and while I love those bands (Pollyanna is forever one of my favorite albums), I think you could probably work a little more on it, if only because it doesn't fit the tone or style of the rest of the piece.

Overall, you've got some good stuff here. I can see you focusing less on being clever and more on extending your images and developing them more fully, and I really like that. It's obvious you care about your writing. Keep at it!
Mad thanks man! Very, very helpful.Pollyanna is also one of my favorite albums of all time haha.

[jcrawfish]

nice

[Corpsecore]

Yeah, I liked the structure to this one.