Reality-Revised

[newtothis]

So, this is a revised version of an older poem I posted a while ago. Just to let you know.

His head shined brighter than a newly polished pair of shoes.
"They want us to advocate more," he said.
"We can change lives and change the world," he said.
I sat half-watching, too focused on the chill bumps that
Surfaced from the plate tectonics under my skin.
I used to believe that too, you know,
all that pizazz. That Uncle Sam piping,
Mountain moving, tree hugging, heritage first
Sort of talk.
And then I came to college.
I met people.
People who would, but couldn't.
People who could, but didn't care to.
Sitting in class every other day,
Listening to them beat the "problems" into submission
Like a trainer would a sluggish
Horse at the races.
Each lash brutally wounded my ideals,
The bright sheen of my own coat tarnished by welts.
Because within those Gerber walls,
And those air-conditioned rooms,
They were advocating .
For what?
An A for the semester?
A life of leisure following graduation,
when all their youthful protestations
Amounted to hours in a pool float
Or a corner office in the
Thirteenth floor of the tallest building in Charlotte?
I looked up to the sound of applause.

[fishingthe_sky]

I only vaguely remember the first version of this, but I would say this is much improved, as I have relatively little to say about it. I think that "you know/ all that pizazz" doesn't really need to be here, nor does the word "own" in the tarnished coat image. Perhaps the quotations around problems is giving too much away. You're already trivializing them to a good degree here, and the quotes sort of give a too obvious visual clue to the speaker's mind (you know, a bit of telling too much when you show us enough). I think that the title should also be different. ""Reality" feels obvious to me, and quite a bombastic statement given the subject matter. Great revision.

[newtothis]

I only vaguely remember the first version of this, but I would say this is much improved, as I have relatively little to say about it. I think that "you know/ all that pizazz" doesn't really need to be here, nor does the word "own" in the tarnished coat image. Perhaps the quotations around problems is giving too much away. You're already trivializing them to a good degree here, and the quotes sort of give a too obvious visual clue to the speaker's mind (you know, a bit of telling too much when you show us enough). I think that the title should also be different. ""Reality" feels obvious to me, and quite a bombastic statement given the subject matter. Great revision.

Thank you. I appreciate it. The title is actually reflective of a line that was in the poem when it was original that I took out. So it will probably change.