A Video of Me Reciting A Poem I Wrote

[gabrielM]

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any feedback is appreciated, the words are on the side of the video. check it out. thanks a lot.


gabe.

[thespearkid]

I love slam poetry. I can't really give a good breakdown of it though, considering I don't have the words in front of me but overall, I'd say your delivery needs a little work. Move around a little more and let your voice and facial expressions have a little fun.

[gabrielM]

yea, well the words are on the side of the video if you click on "more" on the side of the youtube page. and i have kind of like a thing where i hate looking into cameras lol so we shot it from the side. i used to recite a lot at a poetry venue here in miami and i used to get more into it and move more on the stage and what not but this was for my band's youtube account and no stage. but thanks for feedback.

[fishingthe_sky]

I love slam poetry too. There's a certain level of creative freedom that you can take with the language (the use of normally cliched or hackneyed phrases, alliteration, and internal rhyme being the first ones that come to my mind) that I enjoy. "baby think. thing with us can't be to odd to be considered even" and "our god damned names are far to perfect to be true" are the best lines in the entire thing for me.

I think you should post the lyrics here just so we have them, instead of making us go to your youtube page to find them.

[gabrielM]

k. yea ill post them up here. and im glad u like those lines. the 1 about the names in particular means a lot 2 me because my name is gabriel and the girl who im writing about is gabrielle and shes been my everything for a long time. on and off bullshit. and shes the inspiration for everything i write really. wethere positive or negative. anyway, here are the lyrics:

baby think. thing with us can't be to odd to be considered even
naive thought patterns demonstrate coincidences, but I believe that everything happens for a reason.
therefore think fast, flashback to before we dated and we were just friends
I saw you and your mother at a flannigan's. do you remember the conversation that we carried?
i said "hey", you introduced me to her and said "look mom, this is the guy I'm gonna marry"
it was a joke back then, merely make pretend
but I gave that crooked, kinda half way cocky, confident smile that I do
thinking "boy, if you only knew how much I truly liked you"
sonce eigth grade, my brain played games, teased and played tricks
making me wait four full years until our first kiss
which only happened 'cause our ride to the amusement park that night was sick
and I know you're not to stupid to think it's a coincidence.
but fuck it, just incase your brain still has a doubt
I will continue to explain what this is all about
think of that late night drive home when you asigned yourself a ringtone on my cell phone
so everytime you'd call, Maroon 5's "She Will Be Loved" plays
and look at us to this day, she's loved. more then I love myself.
wondering if God has truly caused our paths to pass and crash
because we can't let go of each other like bums holding on to thier last scraps of cash.
it's crazy. but we can relearn how we move
and our god damned names are far to perfect to be true
but we can make it real if we look inside for what's lost
and I'm sorry if my timing is off, I just want to kiss you on top of a lightning rod
and shock the thoughts into the brain in your head
so they can drain down your jugular vein, sit in your heart instead
blow through your arteries, through your heart and spread
so you can feel how we once felt when we were connected at the lips
passion passing through finger tips conducted electric love currents at the pen grips.
when love was a battle field and we were defenseless.
so look inside and realize that it ain't so hard to believe
that some people were meant to be
I've made peace with your past, I want in on your future, love.
depend on me.