Temptation In Eden

[Mike Smith]

Even when the gardener left the garden,
He seemed like he was waiting for an event;
It was so peaceful, a resemblance to Eden,
And even more peaceful once he went.

Quietly, yet godly, he never even had,
Me promise to anything, and of course I;
Didn't have anyone tempting me to do bad,
Yet I still felt tempted, and wondered why.

Even the tree next door that shares,
It's shadows with me seemed to be a threat;
All was too neat and calm, yet someone cares.

And in the wrong way, I didn't stand long,
While being mocked by the overbearing smell;
I gave in, and sickness for Eden was too strong.

[The Personist]

This is perhaps the best of your work I've read; a definite improvement! Good job! I still think you're dealing with things in a generally "already-been-done-before" sense, but at the same time, you're being more poetic about it, at least, so you're progressing. I think you should read a LOT of Robert Frost (clearly your Muse, from what I've read) and see how he deals with meter and enjambment in his poetry, as that is your next step in tackling the artform. For instance, try not to end every line with a punctuation mark. It slows it down and chops it up (and, in several cases in this poem, it isn't even grammatically correct). This is an amateur mistake, but one that is easily correctable. Make sure your sentences are grammatically correct. Just because there are line breaks doesn't mean grammar isn't important.

Also, I think your subject matter is quite lofty. I would suggest not aiming for such grand pronouncements about faith, God, etc. It is a tough starting point for a young poet, and you run the risk of alienating the audience. Most of the "greats" who do this sort of thing--Eliot, Frost, Stevens, Williams--cornered the market on such pronouncements, and did it in a way that you really can't imitate anymore so closely (it's an outdated aesthetic, as well as an outdated religiosity--Modernism is no more, sadly, well, not sadly, because it was a sexist, racist affair, but it had some great contributions to art). Like I said, I think you should try to ground your poetry more in a "common" or quotidian affair, and explore the meaning of these seemingly insignificant events. I have a feeling you're on the verge of entering the poetic mode I was in up until earlier this month, and that's OK! You'll start loving Eliot and Frost and trying to BE them, which might help your growth, but ultimately makes you sound pretentious (even if the poetry's good; "Ruddy" and "A Spellbound Mirror," both by me and posted here, are works I"m quite proud of, but have a lot of audience alienation going on in them).

I hope I'm being helpful. I think you should ground your writing in yourself, not in lofty spiritual concerns, because right now what I want to know is not what you think of a certain supernatural thing or a spiritual revelation or declaration of some sort, but what that means to YOU. Don't be so objective in your writing! :-p

Overall, though, I'm glad you're improving.

[Mike Smith]

This is perhaps the best of your work I've read; a definite improvement! Good job! I still think you're dealing with things in a generally "already-been-done-before" sense, but at the same time, you're being more poetic about it, at least, so you're progressing. I think you should read a LOT of Robert Frost (clearly your Muse, from what I've read) and see how he deals with meter and enjambment in his poetry, as that is your next step in tackling the artform. For instance, try not to end every line with a punctuation mark. It slows it down and chops it up (and, in several cases in this poem, it isn't even grammatically correct). This is an amateur mistake, but one that is easily correctable. Make sure your sentences are grammatically correct. Just because there are line breaks doesn't mean grammar isn't important.

Also, I think your subject matter is quite lofty. I would suggest not aiming for such grand pronouncements about faith, God, etc. It is a tough starting point for a young poet, and you run the risk of alienating the audience. Most of the "greats" who do this sort of thing--Eliot, Frost, Stevens, Williams--cornered the market on such pronouncements, and did it in a way that you really can't imitate anymore so closely (it's an outdated aesthetic, as well as an outdated religiosity--Modernism is no more, sadly, well, not sadly, because it was a sexist, racist affair, but it had some great contributions to art). Like I said, I think you should try to ground your poetry more in a "common" or quotidian affair, and explore the meaning of these seemingly insignificant events. I have a feeling you're on the verge of entering the poetic mode I was in up until earlier this month, and that's OK! You'll start loving Eliot and Frost and trying to BE them, which might help your growth, but ultimately makes you sound pretentious (even if the poetry's good; "Ruddy" and "A Spellbound Mirror," both by me and posted here, are works I"m quite proud of, but have a lot of audience alienation going on in them).

I hope I'm being helpful. I think you should ground your writing in yourself, not in lofty spiritual concerns, because right now what I want to know is not what you think of a certain supernatural thing or a spiritual revelation or declaration of some sort, but what that means to YOU. Don't be so objective in your writing! :-p

Overall, though, I'm glad you're improving.

Thanks Art. Appreciate the critiquing you always give me. I appreciate that you like this piece. But i also appreciate that you give me advice on how you think i should progress next and everything.

Robert Frost is a great poet, and def one of my favorites. But i get my inspiration from a lot of different poets haha.

Thanks again for the input and if you check out the other poems i've posted on here you might like them as well :]

[fishingthe_sky]

Damn it, Art. You beat me again, saying exactly what I would say.

Well, as far as the piece goes, I would agree and say that this is the best piece I've seen from you, and I must laud your continual efforts in improving your craft. You are a shining example of what this forum is about: actively seeking to build your skills by being receptive to criticism as well as entering into the dialogue to help improve others. I've read some of the responses you've given recently, and you hit the nail on the head, showing that you "get it" which is more than we can say for a lot of people who come and go on this forum. I'm happy to know that no matter how harsh anyone who's put forth an effort to give you constructive criticism, you haven't taken it personally and have understood the rationale for it all.

Some other poets you might want to check out, given your subject matter and form, are Richard Wilbur and Donald Justice. Both have a good mind for the traditional forms, but are more contemporary than Frost, so are a bit more liberal in their verse. Likewise, both have a keen eye for Judeo-Christian imagery and themes.

And might I ask you to try out the poetry prompts we've been doing. They're great ways to push the boundaries of your writing, and will be good exercises for someone who wants to expand their voice. Don't worry if you encounter them and see that you've never done anything like them before; the whole point is to try and receive comments and criticisms on how well you do the prompts, and they will give you new skills you probably never thought of.

[Mike Smith]

Damn it, Art. You beat me again, saying exactly what I would say.

Well, as far as the piece goes, I would agree and say that this is the best piece I've seen from you, and I must laud your continual efforts in improving your craft. You are a shining example of what this forum is about: actively seeking to build your skills by being receptive to criticism as well as entering into the dialogue to help improve others. I've read some of the responses you've given recently, and you hit the nail on the head, showing that you "get it" which is more than we can say for a lot of people who come and go on this forum. I'm happy to know that no matter how harsh anyone who's put forth an effort to give you constructive criticism, you haven't taken it personally and have understood the rationale for it all.

Some other poets you might want to check out, given your subject matter and form, are Richard Wilbur and Donald Justice. Both have a good mind for the traditional forms, but are more contemporary than Frost, so are a bit more liberal in their verse. Likewise, both have a keen eye for Judeo-Christian imagery and themes.

And might I ask you to try out the poetry prompts we've been doing. They're great ways to push the boundaries of your writing, and will be good exercises for someone who wants to expand their voice. Don't worry if you encounter them and see that you've never done anything like them before; the whole point is to try and receive comments and criticisms on how well you do the prompts, and they will give you new skills you probably never thought of.

Lol fish. Art was just on earlier than you ;]

And thanks i'm glad you know i'm actually trying now and that i am being more receptive and actually soaking in the criticism and using it to my advantage :]

I shall try them when i get the chance, but i leave for basic training for the Army in a week so i wont have much time and will be absent from this forum for about 5 to 7 months of time.

[fishingthe_sky]

Lol fish. Art was just on earlier than you ;]

And thanks i'm glad you know i'm actually trying now and that i am being more receptive and actually soaking in the criticism and using it to my advantage :]

I shall try them when i get the chance, but i leave for basic training for the Army in a week so i wont have much time and will be absent from this forum for about 5 to 7 months of time.
Wow man, I wish you the best of luck at basic.

[Mike Smith]

Wow man, I wish you the best of luck at basic.

Thanks. As you know i'm only 18 now and just graduated high school, so it's going to be a good experience. And hell maybe it will help me find some better, more interesting poetry to write you know? The experiences i will have will be endless and would make for good poetry if i word things right :]

[fishingthe_sky]

Thanks. As you know i'm only 18 now and just graduated high school, so it's going to be a good experience. And hell maybe it will help me find some better, more interesting poetry to write you know? The experiences i will have will be endless and would make for good poetry if i word things right :]
It can absolutely provide you with a great wealth of material to write about. Soak it all in and don't forget to put it on paper.

[cyncoolkid]

Impressive.

[guywithadream]

cool