I Find No Peace

[Mike Smith]

Thanks to Art i am now posting a free verse poem i wrote last night. Constructive criticism is always welcome! :]

I find no peace within myself
For my inner war shall never cease
I try to stay above it all, yet I cannot arise
I try to unlock what holds me prisoner
Yet I can't escape, and just live life
It holds me down, yet won't allow death
I desire to perish, yet it allows me health
I try to love, although I hate myself
I feel sorrow, yet I laugh at my pain
Displeasing both myself and others
Causing me delight in all the strife

[fishingthe_sky]

The first thing I noticed was the heavy presence of "I." This is mostly composed of a list of "I feel," which, while not the worse way you could go about expressing these things, is rather boring, especially when done to this degree. I mean, in a poem of 11 lines, you have 7 beginning with some sort of I statement. Now I don't care if you're a 5 grader or Milton, any poem that saturated with one expressive mood is going to be boring. Again, the way you're saying these things are not particularly original, but I feel like this poem is more stuck in the way it's written right now than what is being said.

If I may, I'd like to recommend you read as soon as you can "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot. It's one of the premier examples of both modern free verse and emotive expression, as it deals largely with emotive responses, much like this poem does.

[OveriseFan]

Punctuation.

[Mike Smith]

The first thing I noticed was the heavy presence of "I." This is mostly composed of a list of "I feel," which, while not the worse way you could go about expressing these things, is rather boring, especially when done to this degree. I mean, in a poem of 11 lines, you have 7 beginning with some sort of I statement. Now I don't care if you're a 5 grader or Milton, any poem that saturated with one expressive mood is going to be boring. Again, the way you're saying these things are not particularly original, but I feel like this poem is more stuck in the way it's written right now than what is being said.

If I may, I'd like to recommend you read as soon as you can "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot. It's one of the premier examples of both modern free verse and emotive expression, as it deals largely with emotive responses, much like this poem does.

Ok thanks fish. Appreciate the input. I shall work to revise this one as i actually just got some ideas in my head once i read your suggestions. I didn't even realize all the I's i had in this. I'm going to switch it up to a different point of view and possibly expand a little and make you think.

And i shall read that poem when i get the chance :]