The Righteous Man

[Mike Smith]

The righteous man should have to suffer no more
For us to see the error of our ways
The loss of integrity in our land
We must heed it's call to reconcile
And seal the losses we all share

We are responsible to make the bonds anew
And to reclaim what was lost when we fell
A metaphor, a martyr to a failed day in age
It's not about one anymore for we can't
And never will understand the pains
Of the innocent, holy bloodshed

We must see the light, and change our ways
Act differently towards one another
As the righteous man gave his life for us
In hope that his sacrifice would change the land
And heal the nation, to once again call it our own...

[Animalhill]

The righteous man should have to suffer no more
For us to see the error of our ways
The loss of integrity in our land
We must heed it's call to reconcile
And seal the losses we all share

We are responsible to make the bonds anew
And to reclaim what was lost when we fell
A metaphor, a martyr to a failed day in age
It's not about one anymore for we can't
And never will understand the pains
Of the innocent, holy bloodshed

We must see the light, and change our ways
Act differently towards one another
As the righteous man gave his life for us
In hope that his sacrifice would change the land
And heal the nation, to once again call it our own...

You need some punctuation my friend.
I would also highly recommend not ending a poem in "..."
As far as the content goes it seems far too broad. I would suggest writing how this subject is personal to you opposed to addressing mankind (or just christians?)- I think this would also alleviate the amount of cliche phrasing ("See the light" etc)

[Mike Smith]

You need some punctuation my friend.
I would also highly recommend not ending a poem in "..."
As far as the content goes it seems far too broad. I would suggest writing how this subject is personal to you opposed to addressing mankind (or just christians?)- I think this would also alleviate the amount of cliche phrasing ("See the light" etc)

Thanks animal. Appreciate the criticism. Will take it under advisement and revise this poem when i can :]

[Animalhill]

Thanks animal. Appreciate the criticism. Will take it under advisement and revise this poem when i can :]
No problem man! I dug the other one that Artfully Aborted already commented on- I just didn't comment for the sake of avoiding redudancy. Keep on posting here brother- the more people posting the better this section of the forum will be.

[Mike Smith]

No problem man! I dug the other one that Artfully Aborted already commented on- I just didn't comment for the sake of avoiding redudancy. Keep on posting here brother- the more people posting the better this section of the forum will be.

Thanks. Was it the I Find No Peace one of The Temptation of Eden one? haha

And yeh i'll post as many as i can :]

[Animalhill]

Thanks. Was it the I Find No Peace one of The Temptation of Eden one? haha

And yeh i'll post as many as i can :]
It was the Temptation one.
Also, don't forget to comment on other users' works!

[Mike Smith]

It was the Temptation one.
Also, don't forget to comment on other users' works!

I won't :]. I always try to comment on other peoples works as much as i possibly can. Because i love to give my constructive criticism as much as i love to get it from people :]