American Magic

[newtothis]

So, I'm finally getting over some terrible writer's block! Yes!


Sometimes I believe in magic.
Not Santa Claus and Merlin, of course.
Heaven forbid I ever meet Lucky and his charms
Or cross paths with Harry Potter
(Who would rather cry at me than anything).
I believe in the magic that doesn’t resemble
Black hearts or myths passed off as the truth.
I trust Ms. Frizzle and her bus
And Bugs’ astonishing knack
for changing into women’s clothing
in only three point five seconds.
Steve Urkel’s peculiar tangle
Of bad pick up lines and sweet love
never cease to be miracles.
And who would have guessed that
Danny Tanner’s hair infatuated relative
And potentially mentally retarded best friend
Would make for decent nannies?
I see King Kong’s love and Simba’s pride
And the cow jumping over the moon.
And I think to myself
“What a wonderful world.”
I see Billy Collins’, “History Teacher”,
And Ralph Ellison’s, Invisible Man.
Being invisible isn’t so bad Ralph,
When you think about the benefits.
The mother who gave up on her own son
In an explosion of menopausal rage.
The fifth grader who has already lost faith
In her teachers and the kidnapped victim
Of a custody battle.
I see the quintessential teenage mother,
Raped by the one she loved,
Forced to live someone else’s life
For the next twenty years.
I see expectations so high,
That they are seventeen feet above the
Tower of Babel. And no matter how much
I climb, I will never be able to come close.
Is that not magic as well?

[The Personist]

In general, I think there are too many words here that weigh the poem down, and the end leaves something to be desired (I like the conclusion you come to, but I think it should be stated differently).

I have work soon, so I can't get too in depth and specific, but quote me and I'll come back and break it down.

[newtothis]

Will do. All in all, I'm just happy I finally found the motivation to start writing again. Even if this is too wordy and superfluous.

[thespearkid]

Sometimes I believe in magic.
Not Santa Claus and Merlin, of course.
Heaven forbid I ever meet Lucky and his charms
Or cross paths with Harry Potter
(Who would rather cry at me than anything).
I trust Ms. Frizzle and her bus
And Bugs’ astonishing knack
for changing into women’s clothing
in only three point five seconds.
Will Steve Urkel’s peculiar combination
Of bad pick up lines and sweet affection
never cease to be miraculous?
And who would have guessed that
Danny Tanner’s hair infatuated relative
And potentially mentally retarded best friend
Would make for decent nannies?
I see King Kong’s love and Simba’s pride
And the cow jumping over the moon.
And I think to myself
“What a wonderful world.”
I see Billy Collins’, “History Teacher”,
And Ralph Ellison’s, Invisible Man,
And the mother who gave up on her own son
In an explosion of menopausal rage.
The fifth grader who has already lost faith
In her teachers and the kidnapped victim
Of a custody battle.
I see the quintessential teenage mother,
Raped by the one she loved
Forced to live someone else’s life
For the next twenty years.
Is that not magic as well?
Would it be too pretentious of me to assume the opening line alludes to the opening line of my poem "The Standard?" (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=905832). One thing I immediately noticed was that you say you don't believe in Santa magic, Merlin magic, etc. but you do believe in Ms. Frizzle, etc. I don't understand the difference (why do you believe in one but not the other?). When it gets down to Billy Collins and under, I like that because you're bringing real world examples and pitting them against fictional examples. However, the beginning just pits fictional against fictional and I don't see the divide between some of them. I like the language you use though. Your take on a lot of these figures is really amusing (Harry Potter and Full House, specifically made me LOL). Overall, interesting poem. Not bad, but not particularly good either. Congrats on cracking your writer's block though.

[newtothis]

Would it be too pretentious of me to assume the opening line alludes to the opening line of my poem "The Standard?" (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=905832) (http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=905832%29). One thing I immediately noticed was that you say you don't believe in Santa magic, Merlin magic, etc. but you do believe in Ms. Frizzle, etc. I don't understand the difference (why do you believe in one but not the other?). When it gets down to Billy Collins and under, I like that because you're bringing real world examples and pitting them against fictional examples. However, the beginning just pits fictional against fictional and I don't see the divide between some of them. I like the language you use though. Your take on a lot of these figures is really amusing (Harry Potter and Full House, specifically made me LOL). Overall, interesting poem. Not bad, but not particularly good either. Congrats on cracking your writer's block though.

You wouldn't be pretentious. I admit. The first line of your poem inspired me. Haha. Don't let it go to your head. I hope you don't mind. The differences b/w Santa, etc. and the others were that the first few were supposed to be the fictional version of "real life." They are more intense. Santa is a character that every child is raised to believe is real as opposed to Ms. Frizzle who everyone knows obviously isn't. Merlin and Harry Potter were also "intense" fictional versions of real life in my opinion, and I wanted to sort out the more "realistic" fiction from the more "playful" fiction. I see how the differences aren't very clear though.

[newtothis]

In general, I think there are too many words here that weigh the poem down, and the end leaves something to be desired (I like the conclusion you come to, but I think it should be stated differently).

I have work soon, so I can't get too in depth and specific, but quote me and I'll come back and break it down.

Quotage. Btw. I am so determined to fit the word poopage into a fantastic poem soon.

[The Personist]

"Mentally retarded" doesn't strike me as particularly poetic language...:shrug:

[newtothis]

"Mentally retarded" doesn't strike me as particularly poetic language...:shrug:

Yeah. I suppose it wasn't particularly poetic/appropriate.

[neverenough]

This is stupid. I don't like it at all. Who cares?

[thespearkid]

Troll.

[Animalhill]

This is stupid. I don't like it at all. Who cares?
OMG!? !?!? ?! ?!
Then why the fuck are you here?

[OveriseFan]

OMG!? !?!? ?! ?!
Then why the fuck are you here?

Because she cares to offer her lovely opinion.

[thespearkid]

Because she cares to offer her lovely opinion.
She's a troll.

[Animalhill]

Because she cares to offer her lovely opinion.
I find it hilarious that some dumpy, sad little 15 year old girl would take the time to post that, and then sign off.

[neverenough]

I find it hilarious that some dumpy, sad little 15 year old girl would take the time to post that, and then sign off.

You don't know me. I am a really good writer. How dare you call me dumpy?

[Animalhill]

You don't know me. I am a really good writer. How dare you call me dumpy?
It was obviously not a direct insult- I have no way of knowing what you look like. You may be a great writer, but you're also an asshole. CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is the key here my lady.

[OveriseFan]

This poem is just way too unfocused for me. It seems to just throw out any pop-culture figure you think of without much rhyme or reason. There's no substance. You switch points of view and who you're addressing. It's just not very good. I don't really like the way it ends either. I like what you could do with the last line, but everything that leads up to it doesn't work for me. Sorry. I know you can do better; at least you're writing. Keep working, but I don't see much here that can be salvaged except the first and last lines.

[newtothis]

This poem is just way too unfocused for me. It seems to just throw out any pop-culture figure you think of without much rhyme or reason. There's no substance. You switch points of view and who you're addressing. It's just not very good. I don't really like the way it ends either. I like what you could do with the last line, but everything that leads up to it doesn't work for me. Sorry. I know you can do better; at least you're writing. Keep working, but I don't see much here that can be salvaged except the first and last lines.

Thanks. I appreciate it. I've had awful writer's block for a while now, and I was so excited that I finally had something to write about. I see what you mean. I'll probably revise it. Probably definitely. Haha.

[The Personist]

Thanks. I appreciate it. I've had awful writer's block for a while now, and I was so excited that I finally had something to write about. I see what you mean. I'll probably revise it. Probably definitely. Haha.

It's interesting...the poem with which I broke my writer's block (that i just wrote and type adn am gonna post in the prompt) is rife with names of people as well.

[Mike Smith]

I believe you have the foundation for a good poem here, but as Art said, its a bit weighed down by words not needed.

Other than that i'm surely looking forward to reading the revision.

[newtothis]

It's interesting...the poem with which I broke my writer's block (that i just wrote and type adn am gonna post in the prompt) is rife with names of people as well.

So, what would you suggest for making it better? Like, i am fond of the idea behind it. A lot of the crap in it are real life observations/experiences, so I don't especially want to part with them. However, it does need change. What do you say?

I believe you have the foundation for a good poem here, but as Art said, its a bit weighed down by words not needed.

Other than that i'm surely looking forward to reading the revision.


Thanks. Would you mind giving me suggestions of where I could cut it down? You don't have to if you don't want to, but it would be helpful. :)

[The Personist]

So, I'm finally getting over some terrible writer's block! Yes!


Sometimes I believe in magic.
Not Santa Claus and Merlin, of course.
Heaven forbid I ever meet Lucky and his charms
Or cross paths with Harry Potter
(Who would rather cry at me than anything).
I believe in the magic that doesn’t resemble
Black hearts or myths passed off as the truth.
I trust Ms. Frizzle and her bus
And Bugs’ astonishing knack
for changing into women’s clothing
in only three point five seconds.
Steve Urkel’s peculiar tangle
Of bad pick up lines and sweet love
never cease to be miracles.
And who would have guessed that
Danny Tanner’s hair infatuated relative
And potentially mentally retarded best friend
Would make for decent nannies?
I see King Kong’s love and Simba’s pride
And the cow jumping over the moon.
And I think to myself
“What a wonderful world.”
I see Billy Collins’, “History Teacher”,
And Ralph Ellison’s, Invisible Man.
Being invisible isn’t so bad Ralph,
When you think about the benefits.
The mother who gave up on her own son
In an explosion of menopausal rage.
The fifth grader who has already lost faith
In her teachers and the kidnapped victim
Of a custody battle.
I see the quintessential teenage mother,
Raped by the one she loved,
Forced to live someone else’s life
For the next twenty years.
I see expectations so high,
That they are seventeen feet above the
Tower of Babel. And no matter how much
I climb, I will never be able to come close.
Is that not magic as well?

I guess my biggest problem--aside from the mentally retarded thing, and the fact that as a huge fan of the Invisible Man I feel like you miss the point and are saying "it's OK to feel like you're alienated by stereotypes" (I understand he finds the benefits of that invisibility in the end of the book, but I think it's still an odd or somewhat problematic presentation)--is the general lack of focus, as OveriseFan (what's your name?) said. I also disagree with you, and I feel like your ending--the negative things you list--and the beginning don't make sense when put next to one another. I like the idea--that there is something beautiful in all these things, even the negative and trite ones--but I feel like your presentation allows for the interpretation that you're saying "being raped, impregnated, and imprisoned psychologically is magic, too!" Though ambiguity is generally good, that ambiguity does not feel quite so.

I also feel like there's no journey in this poem. I don't start somewhere and end up somewhere else. I don't mean a narrative journey, per se, but I do think there should be some progression, which is absent. When you tell us the kind of magic you DON'T believe in, I think you give away the purpose of the poem. I think you're quite talented, and I think that it's great you broke your writer's block; however, I think this poem needs some serious work on wordiness, content, and voice.

[newtothis]

I guess my biggest problem--aside from the mentally retarded thing, and the fact that as a huge fan of the Invisible Man I feel like you miss the point and are saying "it's OK to feel like you're alienated by stereotypes" (I understand he finds the benefits of that invisibility in the end of the book, but I think it's still an odd or somewhat problematic presentation)--is the general lack of focus, as OveriseFan (what's your name?) said. I also disagree with you, and I feel like your ending--the negative things you list--and the beginning don't make sense when put next to one another. I like the idea--that there is something beautiful in all these things, even the negative and trite ones--but I feel like your presentation allows for the interpretation that you're saying "being raped, impregnated, and imprisoned psychologically is magic, too!" Though ambiguity is generally good, that ambiguity does not feel quite so.

I also feel like there's no journey in this poem. I don't start somewhere and end up somewhere else. I don't mean a narrative journey, per se, but I do think there should be some progression, which is absent. When you tell us the kind of magic you DON'T believe in, I think you give away the purpose of the poem. I think you're quite talented, and I think that it's great you broke your writer's block; however, I think this poem needs some serious work on wordiness, content, and voice.

Thanks.

[OveriseFan]

My name is James. What is yours? I forget your name, if I've ever known it. You've always just been "Arty". Haha.

Edit: Oh... is it David?

[The Personist]

My name is James. What is yours? I forget your name, if I've ever known it. You've always just been "Arty". Haha.

Edit: Oh... is it David?

Yeah, it's David. And when I get called "Art," I pretend it's because I'm Rimbaud. Then I look at my writing and realize that is not so, and let the illusion I've allowed myself to entertain go once again.

(mad internal rhymeage in that sentence)

[jawstheme]

I was kind of bored by it until I got here:

Being invisible isn’t so bad Ralph,
When you think about the benefits.
The mother who gave up on her own son
In an explosion of menopausal rage.
The fifth grader who has already lost faith
In her teachers and the kidnapped victim
Of a custody battle.
I see the quintessential teenage mother,
Raped by the one she loved,
Forced to live someone else’s life
For the next twenty years.
I see expectations so high,
That they are seventeen feet above the
Tower of Babel. And no matter how much
I climb, I will never be able to come close.
Is that not magic as well?


Haha, if you cut the poem down to that I would love it. Good stuff. The last 5 lines are especially good.