Find My Voice

[oddwithoutend]

I speak through most vacant teeth
They shimmer and grin at me
Rotten lies hauntingly
Fill my breath

The difference in thought and thief
Can you tell a crow from a sheep
Maybe you could inform me
On what I'm like

I stalk through deserted streets
Where passing cars are empty
Freedom is a curious feat
In this body of mine

I know I've met everyone but you
Oh, the bikes we'll ride
The words I'll say
When you show me what they mean

This is a very odd poem I came up with recently after months of writer's block. Not sure what I think of it because it's not like anything I've written before. Comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Mike Smith]

I speak through most vacant teeth
They shimmer and decieve me
My words aren't real it seems
But you listen anyway

You think that you know me
Well how could that be
Maybe you could inform me
On what I'm like

I stalk through deserted streets
Where passing cars are empty
Freedom is a curious feat
In this body of mine

I know I've met everyone but you
Tonight I'll dream of the things we'll do
When you find my voice

This is a very odd poem I came up with recently after months of writer's block. Not sure what I think of it because it's not like anything I've written before.

I just plainly bolded what i felt was good and solid. I like the very first 2 lines in the first stanza as it sets a good concrete foundation for a good poem. The 3rd and 4th lines of stanza one are kinda plain and ruin your statement in lines 1/2.

Everything that is bolded/italicized/underlined are things i find to be overused and a bit cliche in your poem.

Lines 1/2 in stanza 2 are very cliche and kind of plain. The whole stanza needs a bit of work, but you could fix it if you made the first 2 lines a bit sweeter and less plain.

Lines 1/2 in stanza 3 i find very good as it has a good imagery to it. The 3rd/4th lines are okay, but if you sweetened them up a bit and were less plain and vague it might make that stanza totally solid and sound better.

The whole last stanza is very, very cliche and overused. I feel you kind of ruin the poem with this stanza, and if you made it less cliche and didn't use such overused phrases such as " I know i've met everyone but you, tonight i'll dream of the things we'll do", it would sound much better. The ending is usually what makes of breaks a poem, besides the beginning of course. And the ending of your poem is very blah and cliche. Try to think of a less cliched way to write this stanza, and overall you'd have a good poem as long as you worked on the things i listed above.

Sorry for the long winded response to this, but i have yet to do an actual criticism on someones poems, and i wanted to show that i can actually criticize things and make good, solid suggestions to people.

[oddwithoutend]

I just plainly bolded what i felt was good and solid. I like the very first 2 lines in the first stanza as it sets a good concrete foundation for a good poem. The 3rd and 4th lines of stanza one are kinda plain and ruin your statement in lines 1/2.

Everything that is bolded/italicized/underlined are things i find to be overused and a bit cliche in your poem.

Lines 1/2 in stanza 2 are very cliche and kind of plain. The whole stanza needs a bit of work, but you could fix it if you made the first 2 lines a bit sweeter and less plain.

Lines 1/2 in stanza 3 i find very good as it has a good imagery to it. The 3rd/4th lines are okay, but if you sweetened them up a bit and were less plain and vague it might make that stanza totally solid and sound better.

The whole last stanza is very, very cliche and overused. I feel you kind of ruin the poem with this stanza, and if you made it less cliche and didn't use such overused phrases such as " I know i've met everyone but you, tonight i'll dream of the things we'll do", it would sound much better. The ending is usually what makes of breaks a poem, besides the beginning of course. And the ending of your poem is very blah and cliche. Try to think of a less cliched way to write this stanza, and overall you'd have a good poem as long as you worked on the things i listed above.

Sorry for the long winded response to this, but i have yet to do an actual criticism on someones poems, and i wanted to show that i can actually criticize things and make good, solid suggestions to people.

Thanks a lot, man. I basically agree with everything you suggested. I wrote this in about ten minutes, after about 6 months of writer's block, so I was excited just to get it out there. Explanations like the one you just gave me will help me out of my writer's block for sure, and that's kind of why I posted this. Thanks again.

[oddwithoutend]

I made a few changes. Still not finished by any means, but improved on.

[The Personist]

First, I'm glad to see you posting stuff, because if I recall, you did before I was involved, and I never got to see it/comment when it was relevant. So now I have a chance! yay!
I speak through most vacant teeth
They shimmer and decieve me
My words aren't real it seems
But you listen anyway
I like "vacant teeth", and I like that they shimmer, but I don't think that telling the audience that the teeth "deceive" you is too much. Can you show us that deception instead of just telling us? Also, saying it SEEMS your words aren't real isn't as powerful as it could be, and I think saying "but you listen anyway" would probably resonate more if the words, as far as you're concerned, are legitimately not real. Try to find some sharper, more concise, and exact language here.

You think that you know me
Well how could that be
Maybe you could inform me
On what I'm like
I'm not a fan of this stanza. It feels like it's been done before. I think you should approach this somewhat tired concept with some new language that makes it resonate more. Also, is the repetition of "me" at the end of the 1st and 3rd lines significant? If it isn't, you should change that because repeated words in so prominent a position demand attention and should be done with significance in mind. An example of that would be some of Yeats' work; "He Wishes For The Cloths of Heaven" is a good example where the repetition serves a serious, solid, powerful purpose.


I stalk through deserted streets
Where passing cars are empty
Freedom is a curious feat
In this body of mine
Another stanza with some promising ideas, particularly that of the empty passing cars. I think you need to, as I said, sharpen your language and be more precise. Make sure every word is EXACTLY the word you want, and make sure it conveys EXACTLY how you feel. Right now, this feels like a pencil sketch; make it a painting.

I know I've met everyone but you
Tonight I'll dream of the things we'll do
When you find my voice

The same comments apply to this one, too. The ideas are there, but you need the language to convey them clearly. I feel like that's the way the whole poem is. You know what you want to say, but your language is getting in the way because it's not precise or evocative enough. I'm not saying use a thesaurus and write long things with big words like T. S. Eliot or something, but I think you're doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, which is the downfall of any creative piece. Work on letting us see with your eyes, not telling a story to a friend, if that makes sense.

Hope this was helpful.

[Mike Smith]

Thanks a lot, man. I basically agree with everything you suggested. I wrote this in about ten minutes, after about 6 months of writer's block, so I was excited just to get it out there. Explanations like the one you just gave me will help me out of my writer's block for sure, and that's kind of why I posted this. Thanks again.

No problem man. I understand the whole writers block thing. I've had it before and just recently got over it and some amazing quality stuff started coming to fruition.

I am glad i could help. And i saw you said you made changes, so i shall go quote it again and bold what i like/dislike once more to further help you :]

[oddwithoutend]

First, I'm glad to see you posting stuff, because if I recall, you did before I was involved, and I never got to see it/comment when it was relevant. So now I have a chance! yay!

haha It's been so long since I've been able to write that I rushed this one as soon as I had something down. I was hoping you'd show up haha.

I like "vacant teeth", and I like that they shimmer, but I don't think that telling the audience that the teeth "deceive" you is too much. Can you show us that deception instead of just telling us? Also, saying it SEEMS your words aren't real isn't as powerful as it could be, and I think saying "but you listen anyway" would probably resonate more if the words, as far as you're concerned, are legitimately not real. Try to find some sharper, more concise, and exact language here.

Good idea with the "deception" thing. Consider it changed.

I'm not a fan of this stanza. It feels like it's been done before. I think you should approach this somewhat tired concept with some new language that makes it resonate more. Also, is the repetition of "me" at the end of the 1st and 3rd lines significant? If it isn't, you should change that because repeated words in so prominent a position demand attention and should be done with significance in mind. An example of that would be some of Yeats' work; "He Wishes For The Cloths of Heaven" is a good example where the repetition serves a serious, solid, powerful purpose.

I reworked this one, though I'm still not perfectly happy with it. But as a side note, the repetition of me was purposeful in contributing a more lonely/haunting feel.

Another stanza with some promising ideas, particularly that of the empty passing cars. I think you need to, as I said, sharpen your language and be more precise. Make sure every word is EXACTLY the word you want, and make sure it conveys EXACTLY how you feel. Right now, this feels like a pencil sketch; make it a painting.

haha Good observation. It definitely is a sketch right now. Hopefully it will become more exact as I change and improve on it.

The same comments apply to this one, too. The ideas are there, but you need the language to convey them clearly. I feel like that's the way the whole poem is. You know what you want to say, but your language is getting in the way because it's not precise or evocative enough. I'm not saying use a thesaurus and write long things with big words like T. S. Eliot or something, but I think you're doing a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, which is the downfall of any creative piece. Work on letting us see with your eyes, not telling a story to a friend, if that makes sense.

That's a great way of putting it.

Hope this was helpful.

It was definitely helpful, man. I hope to see some more comments from you as I try to perfect this one.

[oddwithoutend]

No problem man. I understand the whole writers block thing. I've had it before and just recently got over it and some amazing quality stuff started coming to fruition.

I am glad i could help. And i saw you said you made changes, so i shall go quote it again and bold what i like/dislike once more to further help you :]

Awesome, I appreciate that.

[The Personist]

In general, something that will not only help with writer's block but also with your craft are fishingthe_sky's weekly writing prompts in here. It might even benefit to go all the way back to the first one and just do the prompts, even if you don't post, because sometimes writing--be it good or bad--is the best way to kick writer's block.

[oddwithoutend]

Made my second batch of changes. haha Sorry guys, I just kind of like to make the writing process a fluid one with people that can look at it from the outside as I try to improve. I'm so far out of my groove that I wouldn't have been able to make appropriate changes without some other perspectives.

[oddwithoutend]

In general, something that will not only help with writer's block but also with your craft are fishingthe_sky's weekly writing prompts in here. It might even benefit to go all the way back to the first one and just do the prompts, even if you don't post, because sometimes writing--be it good or bad--is the best way to kick writer's block.

Makes sense to me. I'll do that. It's like anything else; if you don't use it you'll lose it. I've been critiquing for too long; it's time to start doing some more creating.

[The Personist]

I speak through most vacant teeth
They shimmer and grin at me
Rotten lies hauntingly
Fill my breath

The difference in thought and thief
Can you tell a crow from a sheep
Maybe you could inform me
On what I'm like

I think your language is improving, especially "the difference between thought and thief" and "Can you tell a crow from a sheep" (which jumped out at me when I read this). I think you should add proper punctuation (to the whole poem) because it might help you develop your ideas more.

I stalk through deserted streets
Where passing cars are empty
Freedom is a curious feat
In this body of mine

I know I've met everyone but you
Oh, the bikes we'll ride
The words I'll say
When you show me what they mean

This is a very odd poem I came up with recently after months of writer's block. Not sure what I think of it because it's not like anything I've written before. Comments would be greatly appreciated.

Again, punctuation would help. I think that you're on the right track, but you really need to work on stronger, sharper, more concise images. We have a poetry recommendation thread in here somewhere; you should check out some of those poets for some insight into what I mean. Also, you should listen to the Weakerthans if you don't already. Samson has a good way of using plain, everyday speech to create vivid, evocative pictures of the world.

[oddwithoutend]

I think your language is improving, especially "the difference between thought and thief" and "Can you tell a crow from a sheep" (which jumped out at me when I read this). I think you should add proper punctuation (to the whole poem) because it might help you develop your ideas more.



Again, punctuation would help. I think that you're on the right track, but you really need to work on stronger, sharper, more concise images. We have a poetry recommendation thread in here somewhere; you should check out some of those poets for some insight into what I mean. Also, you should listen to the Weakerthans if you don't already. Samson has a good way of using plain, everyday speech to create vivid, evocative pictures of the world.

Thanks man. The Weakerthans inspired this particular poem, actually. haha

[The Personist]

Thanks man. The Weakerthans inspired this particular poem, actually. haha

Awesome! They're an amazing band.

[oddwithoutend]

This is true.