The Best Friends Money Can Buy

[End is Forever]

This is my first post in this forum so be gentle.

"If it's not Love, then it's the bomb"
but the car crash, that was an accident
(I give up) You caught me like this, with my hand on my chest
and wishing you'd never exist

Join the new gang
where loyalty doesn't mean a thing
don't whine, we'll remember you when you die
said the best friends money can buy

Join the new gang
Lets hold hands and join the lie
i'm growing tired of watching you cry
said the best friends that money can buy

I used up my last chance
sit with me until the music stops
we'll go outside and crash the car

[Wheez]

I think it's an alright poem, not shit, and I know the sentiment is to write what you know, but if you also have to explain everything for it to make sense, then it just loses some value. Work on it a little.

[End is Forever]

I think it's an alright poem, not shit, and I know the sentiment is to write what you know, but if you also have to explain everything for it to make sense, then it just loses some value. Work on it a little.
Thank you, the explanation was more of me just showing that the words did actually have some meaning and I didn't just write anything and put it down for you all to look at. I wanted to make a good impression with htis being my first post and not just post up something meaningless.

[OveriseFan]

Thank you, the explanation was more of me just showing that the words did actually have some meaning and I didn't just write anything and put it down for you all to look at. I wanted to make a good impression with htis being my first post and not just post up something meaningless.

What he means is...

If you have to explain what it all means, then it's not good... and it IS just words.

Sorry, but it's true

This isn't that good(despite the personal meaning), I'd work on getting better flow with meter.

[OveriseFan]

Lets hold hands and join the lie
i'm growing tired of watching you cry
said the best friends that money can buy

Remove that, AAA is a terrible rhyme scheme, and takes a LOT of work to get it to sound good.

don't whine, we'll remember you when you die

That line sounds hella cliche, remove it.

Overall, I'd start a new piece, and scrap this, because it doesn't have much meaning to the reader, and sounds like a cliche piece...

I hate being this way about personal pieces, but it's true.

[cris545]

What he means is...

If you have to explain what it all means, then it's not good... and it IS just words.

Sorry, but it's true

This isn't that good(despite the personal meaning), I'd work on getting better flow with meter.
i agree with everything you're saying, good poems speak for themselves.

and I'll add that I don't exactly see the relationship between the car crash (your girlfriend) and the gang (your friends). There might be but I just don't see it, and again, you shouldnt have to explain

[End is Forever]

so adding the explanation wasn't the best idea. I deleted it so the poem can speak for itself, thanks for all the comments about it. You're right to whoever said I need to work on the meter of it. Again, the eason I posted is for constructive criticism so all replies will be considered, thanks.

[ArTkY_]

Lets hold hands and join the lie
i'm growing tired of watching you cry
said the best friends that money can buy

Remove that, AAA is a terrible rhyme scheme, and takes a LOT of work to get it to sound good.

don't whine, we'll remember you when you die

That line sounds hella cliche, remove it.

Overall, I'd start a new piece, and scrap this, because it doesn't have much meaning to the reader, and sounds like a cliche piece...

I hate being this way about personal pieces, but it's true.
Good criticism James. You're one of the few people who actually helps on this site.