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FallForFate
06/19/09, 07:36 PM
Find me some land,
Find me a place,
To Set my heart,
Cause I just lose it all,
When I see your face.

Dig me a trench,
to hide from what I fear most,
Your love is my sword,
Your thoughts; the knife in my chest,
Bury your Hatred Deeper,
Let my Body be your grave.
These Eyes have Cried,
Born sleeping I have died,
Flying Souls whisper word of Wisdom,
Fear is the only thing we can understand,
Swat all things away.


Find me some land,
Find me a place,
To Set my heart,
Cause I just lose it all,
When I see your face.


Feel the love,
Feel the love; like the pain,
Only more despair,
Laugh it off,
Cause you can't walk away.

Find me some land,
Find me a place,
To Set my heart,
Cause I just lose it all,
When I see your face.
FallForFate
06/20/09, 03:08 PM
Criticism please?
alt_esc
06/20/09, 08:05 PM
it's not weak.
BryterJonah
06/21/09, 01:54 AM
Extremely cliche.
If it's not a line about pain or hate, chances are it's a line about some chick called "you".

It's basically another predictable overkill of the stale "bitch done me wrong" theme.
The Personist
06/21/09, 07:58 AM
This piece leaves a lot to be desired. There was nothing in it I hadn't heard before, and honestly, I think you would be better off scrapping it, for the most part. Your devices are al cliches, your theme commonplace, and basically every line needs rewriting.

Fixed. ;-)
FallForFate
06/21/09, 10:00 AM
k?

It's a Cliche song?
FallForFate
06/21/09, 10:03 AM
Look at my other one;
And by the way this was a hate song for one of my ex best friends;
So anything that sounds Cliche IS Cliche and meant as an Insult.
BryterJonah
06/21/09, 04:25 PM
Fixed. ;-)
Haha, much appreciated.
Look at my other one;
And by the way this was a hate song for one of my ex best friends;
So anything that sounds Cliche IS Cliche and meant as an Insult.
After the fact, right?
And those semicolons seem a little of out place.
The Personist
06/21/09, 04:28 PM
Haha, much appreciated.

I did enjoy the "chick named 'you'" bit. But try to be a little more forgiving. It's tough, believe me, but a nice critique has the same effect as a funny jibe.

Just don't ever ever ever write a joke piece like you did that one time. THat was unforgivable :-p
FallForFate
06/21/09, 05:39 PM
Haha, much appreciated.

After the fact, right?.

No, I gave it to him written out.
I was just feeling down and it's how i get over my depression.

lol, Grammar isn't my thing :)