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shortone1320
06/19/09, 10:08 PM
Here's one of the darker ones I've ever written:

Haley's Comet

Haleys on a comet
on her way to disappear
away from here
out into the atmosphere
and she ain't ever coming back
so please don't wait

You've done enough
left her no choice
but to use paint she doesn't need
to hide the black and blue
you left on her
too afraid to get away
too weak, too meek
to to escape your hand
that finds its way
across her cheek

Chorus:
Haleys on a comet
on her way to disappear
away from here
out into the amosphere
and she ain't ever coming back

she can hardly stand
or even understand
what she did
why she so deserving?
its amazing shes surviving
she still leaving
the only way she know how
her final act, curtain call and final bow
left a letter on the night stand
still grasped in her hand

Chorus

you force a cry
and drink it off
how long till the next one?
another girl
you call hun
there won't be another
cause I don't miss
whe I raise a gun

Outside I run
and gaze above
to see her go
her loving tail glow
I'll be waiting
the thirty years
cause the blue lights coming
but I'm happy knowing:

Chorus

shortone1320
06/23/09, 04:21 PM
anything...? plz?

as_we_learn
06/23/09, 04:27 PM
This isn't very good, the rhyming seemed forced and the way you project your idea is bland and boring. Although I love the concept of this poem, I just wish the flow wasn't so forced and the imagery can be more vivid to get my imagination going. Try and work on it a bit. Love the concept though.

shortone1320
06/24/09, 08:00 PM
lookin at this again from sortof another point of view. i can't help but agree. it does seem a bit forced. i definitely like this idea. i might just refine it.
thanks
mind checkin this one out?
http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=946662