will you love me? (poem/rap)

[clarkjackson23]

it's not finished but I liked it
so feedback is appreciated




And When I die
The Man he Lied
You'll be sad
everyone will be glad
My Funeral will be small
No one will show up at all
but you in your dress
You are gorgeous I confess
I can't handle my thoughts
they are all crazy
Everyone has left but her
may she
find my body
collapsed on the floor
with the old memories
of those dirty little whores
Spoiled little brats
that complain all day,
rich stupid girls,
they are fake
my body will explode
by the time I get it
in my room crying
I will sit
resisting my urges
because she doesn't want me to
hollow my body has become
through and through
I'm calling the world
for help everyday
screaming, bleeding
in every way
scared of these burning questions
will she learn her last lesson?
before I turn over and let the pain lessen

Would you still love me?
if you knew who I am
a small depressed addict
of a man
I'm nothing in your eyes baby
will someone please god save me
Would you still love me?
if you knew who I am
a small depressed addict
of a man
I want you to love me with my heart
too bad you had teared it apart

[apsterling]

No offense
but when
you write like this
it makes it hard
to appreciate
your writing style.

But if I must critique
then I will say this now:
your poem/rap
is not one to take to town
some of the words
and phrases
and "rhymes"
just don't quite flow
from beginning to end
so I'd suggest you revise
a little.

Just sayin, some of it seems a little bit cliched. Especially lines like "too bad you had teared it apart", or "hollow my body has become". Maybe it would work as a beatnik type thing though. Just a little revision and it would be better. Hunt through for the cheese of cliches and whatnot, removing that will make this a better work.

[clarkjackson23]

yea
this is definitely just a vvvvvvvvverrry rough draft version of what I want it to be
I wrote it hella late at night so don't worry I'll get rid of the stupid cliched partsss soon haha

[Jabble524]

You have alot of passion behind this, which is the most important part. I'm not trying to be mean, but the way you conveyed the emotion with the rap seemed very cheesy. I say this because the cheesy aspect of the rap, really took away from what I felt was otherwise a very passionate poem with a solid message. I would suggest revising the rap part with a less generic, less vanilla ice rhyme scheme. If you can't find some better rhymes, I would get rid of the rap, cause it takes away from what is otherwise a pretty solid piece of writing.

[clarkjackson23]

mmm I see what you mean thanks for the advice :D

[Metal Now]

You have alot of passion behind this, which is the most important part. I'm not trying to be mean, but the way you conveyed the emotion with the rap seemed very cheesy. I say this because the cheesy aspect of the rap, really took away from what I felt was otherwise a very passionate poem with a solid message. I would suggest revising the rap part with a less generic, less vanilla ice rhyme scheme. If you can't find some better rhymes, I would get rid of the rap, cause it takes away from what is otherwise a pretty solid piece of writing.

This guy. I liked it but he's right.