Untitled #567

[bootsydan]

There was a pile up on the highway
Marked like a city on the map
The stand still cars were making lines across the state

Some took the next exit hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait

And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morning
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall

So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man

She said "I,
"I'm dedicating this to mum,
I'm dedicating this to my dad,
'Cause I lost them when I was young"

And she said "I,
I'm dedicating this to friends,
I'm dedicating this to my family,
Who've made me proud of who I am"

Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child

She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"

But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am

She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

[TK]

I really liked some of the metaphors in this, but thought you could have written some better than you did. Overall, I definitely liked it. I know this isn't really feedback at all, just a completely worthless and helpless comment saying I enjoyed it. Ha. Just quote me and I will leave detailed feedback when I'm not so tired

[as_we_learn]

There was a pile up on the highway
Marked like a city on the map
The stand still cars were making lines across the state

Some took the next hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait

I really like these lines, but I think the last line would sound better if it said, " so I just sat to wait" instead. That's my only problem there.

And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morn
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall

So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man

Loved this, but something about the flow seemed a bit wordy, if you know what I mean? Other than that the lines are quite enjoyable.


She said "I,
"I'm dedicating this to mum,
I'm dedicating this to my dad,
'Cause I lost them when I was young"

And she said "I,
I'm dedicating this to friends,
I'm dedicating this to my family,
Who've made me proud of who I am"

Leave this as is, very simple and to the point. Great part.

Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child

This part was i think my favorite of the whole piece. It stood in my mind the longest. Although I feel the last line could have been ended better. Love the "break old men" part just after it seems like too much, too bland. I think you can make it much better.

She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"

This is where I feel the piece gets a bit weak. I can see the ideas you're trying to convey, but I feel you can improve it with a much better flow and more vivid images.

But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am

She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

This part is very sad, but very good way of ending it. Again, very simple and to the point.

Overall I really liked this piece and look forward to reading more of your stuff. Peace out man.

-J.R.

[bootsydan]

I really liked some of the metaphors in this, but thought you could have written some better than you did. Overall, I definitely liked it. I know this isn't really feedback at all, just a completely worthless and helpless comment saying I enjoyed it. Ha. Just quote me and I will leave detailed feedback when I'm not so tired

Cheers mate.

There was a pile up on the highway
Marked like a city on the map
The stand still cars were making lines across the state

Some took the next hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait

I really like these lines, but I think the last line would sound better if it said, " so I just sat to wait" instead. That's my only problem there.

And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morn
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall

So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man

Loved this, but something about the flow seemed a bit wordy, if you know what I mean? Other than that the lines are quite enjoyable.


She said "I,
"I'm dedicating this to mum,
I'm dedicating this to my dad,
'Cause I lost them when I was young"

And she said "I,
I'm dedicating this to friends,
I'm dedicating this to my family,
Who've made me proud of who I am"

Leave this as is, very simple and to the point. Great part.

Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child

This part was i think my favorite of the whole piece. It stood in my mind the longest. Although I feel the last line could have been ended better. Love the "break old men" part just after it seems like too much, too bland. I think you can make it much better.

She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"

This is where I feel the piece gets a bit weak. I can see the ideas you're trying to convey, but I feel you can improve it with a much better flow and more vivid images.

But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am

She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

This part is very sad, but very good way of ending it. Again, very simple and to the point.

Overall I really liked this piece and look forward to reading more of your stuff. Peace out man.

-J.R.

Thanks for the detailed critique. I agree with you - it does start to weaken in the middle/end. I ran out of new ideas. I'll take on your feedback.

Thanks again.

[The Personist]

I need to read this. I will read this. Quote me 'n' remind me.

[bootsydan]

I need to read this. I will read this. Quote me 'n' remind me.

Quotin' etc...

[The Personist]

There was a pile up on the highway
Marked like a city on the map
The stand still cars were making lines across the state
I like this image and idea, but feel like you could do more to better present it. The idea of a car pileup being on a map is intriguing.


Some took the next hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait
Took the next what? Exit? The second line feels like something out of a NFG song...I dunno if that's what you're going for, but you could probably tweak that to not sound as pop-punk-one-liner-ish.

And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morn
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall
Horn/morn feels a little forced,and seems to disrupt your nice flow from the rest of the piece. Even if you made it "morning," it would still work better than currently it is. Actually, morning would be VERY clever.

So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man
Ehhh...not feeling this too much.

She said "I,
"I'm dedicating this to mum,
I'm dedicating this to my dad,
'Cause I lost them when I was young"
Again, this didn't do much for me.

And she said "I,
I'm dedicating this to friends,
I'm dedicating this to my family,
Who've made me proud of who I am"
The sudden deviation from the three line stanza makes me think that this should be more important than the rest of 'em...and this is just not workin' for me.

Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child
I feel like the second and third lines should be inverted. It would make more sense

She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand
I like the first line of this, but the rest is not doing it for me.

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"
The sentiment is cool, but again, I think you could phrase it a lot better.

But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am
Eh...I feel like this suffers from some muddled phrasing.

She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

Not sure how I feel about the ending. I don't think you need to repeat--or even use "Thank you for listening to my song." It just doesn't seem to work too well with this.

Overall, there are a lot of good ideas here; I think you just need some clarification to really convey them to an audience in a way that makes them resonate.

[bootsydan]

Thanks for reading.

Some took the next hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait
Took the next what? Exit? The second line feels like something out of a NFG song...I dunno if that's what you're going for, but you could probably tweak that to not sound as pop-punk-one-liner-ish.

Whoops. Yes, that is supposed to be 'Some took the next exit hoping'. And I certainly don't want any NFG comaprisons haha.

And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morn
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall
Horn/morn feels a little forced,and seems to disrupt your nice flow from the rest of the piece. Even if you made it "morning," it would still work better than currently it is. Actually, morning would be VERY clever.

Damn, you know I originally had 'morning' and at the last second changed it. I was unsure, but have changed it back now.

So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man
Ehhh...not feeling this too much.

Yeah I know. It's the last line isn't it? I was never happy with that one.

Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child
I feel like the second and third lines should be inverted. It would make more sense

Disagree. This is the stanza I am most happy with.

She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand
I like the first line of this, but the rest is not doing it for me.

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"
The sentiment is cool, but again, I think you could phrase it a lot better.

But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am
Eh...I feel like this suffers from some muddled phrasing.

This is all valid. These are the parts I'm least happy with.


She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

Not sure how I feel about the ending. I don't think you need to repeat--or even use "Thank you for listening to my song." It just doesn't seem to work too well with this.

"Thank you for listening to my song" is the whole point of this. So yes, I do need to use it - and the second repetition comes from the narrators voice, not the female characters, so it is necessary in my eyes.


Thanks again for critiqueing. As a whole, there is something with this that doesn't sit right with me either. It all feels a bit contrived. However it was mostly just an exercise in using metaphorical language - so I'm glad you could offer some useful advice there.

[TK]

I'll definitely critique this tomorrow after I get out of class. I feel bad that I wrote something for the writing prompt, but didn't comment on this. I would do it right now, but I've already procrastinated long enough on my calculus homework. Sorry.

[TK]

There was a pile up on the highway
Marked like a city on the map
The stand still cars were making lines across the state

Some took the next exit hoping
The long way would be a short cut
But I don't believe in that, so I just sat and wait


I liked the first two lines of this, although the third seemed awkward in it's placing. I can exactly tell why, but it just seems like that to me. And I liked the next three lines, although I thought the third one seemed pretty rough and seems like you could rewrite it well it flows better.


And the old sound of a horn
Would vent the frustration of the morning
Like a brick trying to escape from the wall


This was good.


So I flicked the radio station
Idle gossip turned into a lady
Who for the next few minutes would turn me into a man


Didn't really care for this; he third line is really awkward reading, I wish you could shorten that up.



She said "I,
"I'm dedicating this to mum,
I'm dedicating this to my dad,
'Cause I lost them when I was young"

And she said "I,
I'm dedicating this to friends,
I'm dedicating this to my family,
Who've made me proud of who I am"


Eh, I really don't have any strong feelings about this one way or the other. It wasn't good, but wasn't at bad either.


Then in a voice that travelled highways
She sang as holy as cathedrals
The kind that break old men, or raise a healthy new born child


I think this would be better if you made child children so that it matches with the plural "men". Like, "The kind that break old men, or raise healthy new born children". Only complaint with this.


She transformed me in no time or place
The city I was in had no sky scrapers
I was somewhere between the ocean and the sand

And I thought "I've done this trip a thousand times
But no car crash has ever opened my eyes
More than this girl and her guitar has right now"


I dug this, although car crash through me off. You had the image of an ocean and sand in my head, and then suddenly change it to car crash. Other than that, I liked this; especially enjoyed the first three lines.


But the funny thing about it was
The only word she sang of her parents loss
Was enough to make me proud of who I am

She just said "La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,
La la la la la la la la la la"

"La,
La la la la la,
La la la la la,"
and "Thank you for just listening to my song"

Hey thank you for just listening to my song.

Nice ending, although I too, didn't see the need for repeating the last line. I know you said it was in the narrative's voice, but I thought if you removed it, you could make the last line be a little ambiguous without quotation marks, and leave me thinking it was both the narrator's voice and the girl's voice.

[bootsydan]

Nice ending, although I too, didn't see the need for repeating the last line. I know you said it was in the narrative's voice, but I thought if you removed it, you could make the last line be a little ambiguous without quotation marks, and leave me thinking it was both the narrator's voice and the girl's voice.

Hey dude thanks heaps for the critique. I kind of see where you guys are coming from with that last line, so I might ditch the repeat. Might make it a little more interesting.
Thanks again.