Suburban Hell

[x_Thrice_x]

Pretty simple. I feel like my writing is improving. Anyone else agree?

Suburban Hell

One fist at a time,
I'm fighting a losing fight.
My knuckles shift between shades of black and blue.
How does it feel to know that I bleed for you?

How does it feel to have me at your beck and call?
To see me on my hands and knees, to watch me crawl?
I stand up, I trip and fall.
It's kinda funny how you play me for a fool when I know it all.
I saw your foot there all along.

Such a thin line between love and hate,
I don't even know where I stand anymore.
Take the blade in my back,
Slice me in two,
Leave my heart on the side opposite to you.

I put my faith in this bottle,
And in this pen.
My voice and my therapy,
They would never hurt me terribly,
They're my two best friends.

How does it feel to have me at your beck and call?
To see me on my hands and knees, to watch me crawl?
I stand up, I trip and fall.
It's kinda funny how you play me for a fool when I know it all.
I saw your foot there all along.

It looks like only time will tell.
Will we go back to our wonderland?
Or suffer in this suburban hell?

This suburban fight,
In this suburban home,
This suburban war,
That lacks a hero.

I'll raise my sword,
I'll command the troops,
I'll end this war,
To try and save you.

[x_Thrice_x]

Any comments at all?

[wyverna]

Definitely improving. You have some really good phrases in here. However, some of your rhymes, like this:

It looks like only time will tell.
Will we go back to our wonderland?
Or suffer in this suburban hell?

still seems a little obvious. I can't describe it, just too sing song, if you get that. But I think you should keep on writing. I hope this helps.

[x_Thrice_x]

Definitely improving. You have some really good phrases in here. However, some of your rhymes still seems a little obvious. I can't describe it, just too sing song, if you get that. But I think you should keep on writing. I hope this helps.

Oh, it means a lot to me that there are any comments. Thanks a lot Grace!
I understand where you're coming from with the "sing song obvious" part too, I see it as well. I'm just going to keep writing. I look back on things I wrote even a week ago and am like "Wow, I can do SO much better"

[wyverna]

Oh, it means a lot to me that there are any comments. Thanks a lot Grace!
I understand where you're coming from with the "sing song obvious" part too, I see it as well. I'm just going to keep writing. I look back on things I wrote even a week ago and am like "Wow, I can do SO much better"

I like to comment, I just worry that I don't really know what I'm talking about and I'll sound stupid. I'll keep an eye out for some more of your work, and I know exactly what you mean with the whole looking back on old work thing. Some of my older stuff makes me shudder.

[ImpulZe]

Slice me in two,
Leave my heart on the side opposite to you

FUCKING AMAZING LINE>>!!!!! OMG FUCKING GREAT

[x_Thrice_x]

FUCKING AMAZING LINE>>!!!!! OMG FUCKING GREAT

...thanks... 'preciate it. :!

[ImpulZe]

no problem no return the favor and comment my seven song story.

[SLADE775]

This Forum is hell.