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View Full Version : What's all this talk about constellations? Stars can't tell me anything anymore.

OveriseFan
02/11/06, 04:29 PM
WHOA, that last line needs work. Sorry guys. Yeah, in hopes that I might get a girl in time for Valentines Day. There's a negative piece about V-Day but no one wants to read that... plus it's not done. It's like 2 lines. So yeah, enjoy this... The rhyming was unintentional for the most part, believe it or not... you probably won't. Anyway. Yeah... I love you Shauna. Tariq, don't hate me for the rhyming... it probably sounds forced. haha. So yeah... help me with that last line. MUAH.

What's all this talk about constellations? Stars can't tell me anything anymore.

A single rose leads the way
Through thorns, a needle in the hay
Life is just an obstacle course
We need to run through every day.

Raise up all your drinks to the sky
Disguise them all with valentines
All my other friends do is sigh...
Cause they listen to beautiful lies.

But darling we don't need to be like them,
Stay with me I promise you're my best friend.
Driveitthrough
02/11/06, 05:57 PM
ummm....keep working at it.
OveriseFan
02/11/06, 06:02 PM
ummm....keep working at it.

Thank you for being SO helpful, I really really really appreciate all 4 words

/sarcasm

You could help a little more :wink:
cris545
02/11/06, 07:31 PM
I think that 'Life's just an obstacle course we need to run through every day' is too cliche.
I can't straight off tell you what the last line should be because I wasn't the one who wrote it and felt it, if you know what I'm talking about. I think you're depending too much on the last line, if you come up with a great last line the poem will be good, if not the poems weaknesses will be more visible. I think you can do way better than this, just get into the poem and feel it. (as corny as that sounds)

sorry this doesn't help much, I can't stay on for long, I've been busy this week.


on a side note: I love the title
ArTkY_
02/12/06, 08:20 AM
Veeeery cliche. Ah yeah, but its for Valentine's Day, so I guess its gonna be a little mushy and cliche.

Dude, when I read this I didn't feel any emotion at all, and that's what I usually get from most of your stuff... a lot of emotion, that's what makes you such a good writer. With this, I don't feel that.