Narrow Divide

[as_we_learn]

The light passed through the clouds and rain,
spread through my skin boiled up my veins.
The streets were quiet and filled with youth.
The ignorance within the truth of their freedom
inside the frame of our space and time.

When will the fragments of my memory
return to my alcohol driven activities.
Bar stools and old friends, shots until
our thoughts unwind into another glass.
Our spectacle sparked within these neon signs.

Though the sidewalks always dull and gray
seem to keep my nocturnal endeavors close to home.
The winding stairs couldn't be more than
my narrow divide between who I am and who I wish to be.

Oh gravity you sulk and steal my mortal
purpose to excel into the sky,
Those stars tease us with such delight.
We'll never awe the space between
ourselves and failed divinity.

We are free.

[TK]

The light passed through the clouds and rain,
spread through my skin boiled up my veins.
The streets were quiet and filled with youth.
The ignorance within the truth of their freedom
inside the frame of our space and time.


I think the flow would be improve if you added an 'and' after skin. Didn't really care for the last two lines, but they were okay. Other than that, I thought this was a good beginning. Really liked the third line.


When will the fragments of my memory
return to my alcohol driven activities.
Bar stools and old friends, shots until
our thoughts unwind into another glass.
Our spectacle sparked within these neon signs.


I think neon signs are sort of a cliche, could you replace it with something else? Also, I thought the fourth line was a bit awkward, and I would work on the wording. First two lines were solid.


Though the sidewalks always dull and gray
seem to keep my nocturnal endeavors close to home.
The winding stairs couldn't be more than
my narrow divide between who I am and who I wish to be.


Are you missing a word(s) in the first two lines? Perhaps a "they" before seem, or something? Reads really awkward as it is. The last two lines are okay, although seeing as you pull the title from them, I'd expect something a little stronger.


Oh gravity you sulk and steal my mortal
purpose to excel into the sky,
Those stars tease us with such delight.
We'll never awe the space between
ourselves and failed divinity.

We are free.

Loved this. Really good ending. Overall, I'd say this was definitely pretty solid. Nice work.

[as_we_learn]

I think the flow would be improve if you added an 'and' after skin. Didn't really care for the last two lines, but they were okay. Other than that, I thought this was a good beginning. Really liked the third line.



I think neon signs are sort of a cliche, could you replace it with something else? Also, I thought the fourth line was a bit awkward, and I would work on the wording. First two lines were solid.



Are you missing a word(s) in the first two lines? Perhaps a "they" before seem, or something? Reads really awkward as it is. The last two lines are okay, although seeing as you pull the title from them, I'd expect something a little stronger.



Loved this. Really good ending. Overall, I'd say this was definitely pretty solid. Nice work.

Thanks alot for the detailed critique, I'm thinking of scraping everything except for the ending. Keep the same ideas but changing most of it. Thanks a lot Travis

[TK]

Thanks alot for the detailed critique, I'm thinking of scraping everything except for the ending. Keep the same ideas but changing most of it. Thanks a lot Travis

Did you delete your last thread? I was meaning to comment on it, I liked it. And no problem, although if you do scrap it, I would try to keep the line "The streets were quiet and filled with youth." I really liked the ambiguity and possible interpretations of it.

[as_we_learn]

Did you delete your last thread? I was meaning to comment on it, I liked it. And no problem, although if you do scrap it, I would try to keep the line "The streets were quiet and filled with youth." I really liked the ambiguity and possible interpretations of it.
I did delete it, wasn't much a poem, more of a series of ideas. I may or may not keep depending on what comes to mind. I'd love to read some of your work, I don't see any on the front page?

[TK]

I did delete it, wasn't much a poem, more of a series of ideas. I may or may not keep depending on what comes to mind. I'd love to read some of your work, I don't see any on the front page?

You had some good ideas in it, then. Uh, I have written any "real" pieces for about a month now. Although I've been writing stuff for the writing prompts. Here's a link to the last one http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1143631

If you feel like checking out my last "old" pieces I wrote, here's links to them:
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1088432
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1062582

/Shameful plug

[as_we_learn]

You had some good ideas in it, then. Uh, I have written any "real" pieces for about a month now. Although I've been writing stuff for the writing prompts. Here's a link to the last one http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1143631

If you feel like checking out my last "old" pieces I wrote, here's links to them:
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1088432
http://absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=1062582

/Shameful plug

It's only shameful if I don't read them. So you're in luck haha.