Newborn Love for Art Appreciation

[TK]

This is really loosely strung together, but I like the idea behind this. I'm really looking for feedback, as this is not at all the finished product, but more of just an idea. I'm curious as to what people think about the line breaks, if there's too many of them and if it makes the poem too awkward, and what parts you think should be cut/redone, and if the ending is too much of a change of direction from the rest of poem.


Happened across
A bright assortment of chalk,
Thought up an outline
Of everything that I want,
And while it looked good in abstract,
Once put up as concrete,
It all fell apart and cracked.

Those clumsy hands never could
Hold a pen straight.
All of my ambitious ideas
Always got carried away
By that endless canvass of
Endless, empty space.

Each part of this portrait
Has always been
Held together by
Little bony hands that
Mature and compose,
Decompose and die.

Those crayons and pencils,
Markers and stencils,
Are all utensils
That contribute and take time.
Now feel the abrasions
Kissing your skin;
To know that you affected
Even just the nerves on fingertips
Should be a prize enough
For your patience.

Remember that
With each tool taken away,
Wastes paint and leaves
Empty space;
Where colors should have bloomed
And evolved into other hues.

Now we're just gray areas
(Stuck in between those
Black and white sketches,
Charcoal brushes, and
Some empty pitches.)
Being painted out with
Watercolors that
Blur the image
That once was and
Could have been
So much more, so much more.

"Yeah" she said,
"I've got my baby, I'm alive"
But I knew right then,
What keeps you afloat, also anchors you in
And just know right now, that I know, I'm no father.

Edit/

Updated with crappy punctuation.

[The Personist]

Can you quote me and remind me 'bout it?

Also, in said quote, tell me I'm a fucking asshole and to go read your prompt piece.

[tommy's ghost]

Oh, I really liked this. I love the flow of the poem, and the wording is just beautiful.

You have a typo, though. 5th verse: looked*

Edit: Wouldn't really change anything. The ending keeps with the theme enough for it not to seem so disparate.

[TK]

Can you quote me and remind me 'bout it?

Also, in said quote, tell me I'm a fucking asshole and to go read your prompt piece.

Hey pretentious prick, I'm reminding you that you're an asshole. That is all.

Oh, I really liked this. I love the flow of the poem, and the wording is just beautiful.

You have a typo, though. 5th verse: looked*

Edit: Wouldn't really change anything. The ending keeps with the theme enough for it not to seem so disparate.

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, I appreciate it. And thanks for point out my bad grammar, I shall fix it.

[The Personist]

Hey pretenious prick, I'm reminding you that you're an asshole. That is all.



Thanks for the kind words and feedback, I appreciate it. And thanks for point out my bad grammar, I shall fix it.

</3

[tommy's ghost]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback, I appreciate it. And thanks for point out my bad grammar, I shall fix it.

No biggie. :thumbup:

[OveriseFan]

I hate the inconsistent punctuation and the capitalization of every line.

"All of my ideas always did
Get carried away"

"Did get carried" is awkward... and I think grammatically incorrect? But it might just be awkward.

"Those crayons and pencils,
Markers and stencils,
Are all utensils
That contribute and take time."

Utensils? That rhyme absolutely kills me.



"Also know that with
Each tool you take away
Wastes paint and leaves
Empty space
Where colors should have roomed
And evolved into other hues."

"Also know" as a command and to start this stanza bothered me - not sure why. It's awkward and unnatural. You wouldn't speak like that, and everything else was quite conversational. Do you mean "roomed"? Maybe you mean "roamed"? I don't know. Either way - no matter which word you meant, that's really weird and I don't like that word there.

"Now we're just gray areas
Stuck in between those
Black and white sketches
Charcoal brushes and
Some empty pitches
Being painted out with
Watercolors that
Blur the image
That once was and
Could have been
So much more, so much more."

Could be great - give it punctuation. It will make this much more effective. But I think I like it. I don't understand "empty pitches being painted out". I don't know what that means. I feel like the wording on this might need to be re-worked a bit. It gets a little funky at times.

Overall, not a bad poem... not very good either though. It rambles, and I feel like some of it is just in there as "fluff". Make sure that every piece of it is essential to the sentiment of the poem... I'm not so sure all of it is. Love some of it, and it could be great, but at the moment it's just kind of mediocre.

[The Personist]

This is really loosely strung together, but I like the idea behind this. I'm really looking for feedback, as this is not at all the finished product, but more of just an idea. I'm curious as to what people think about the line breaks, if there's too many of them and if it makes the poem too awkward, and what parts you think should be cut/redone, and if the ending is too much of a change of direction from the rest of poem.

I REFUSE TO READ IT BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M PRETENTIOUS. Lol JK


Happened across
A bright assortment of chalk
Thought up an outline
Of everything that I want
And while it looked good on paper
All I got was a fine line
With two separate layers
I think my first comment is that you should punctuate the poem properly. I'm a stickler for punctuation and think it should only be eschewed or omitted or manipulated when those things serve a specific goal. As such, this just seems a bit awkward without punctuation. Also: I've read a draft of this, yes?

I really like the chalk/outline of everything I want imagery. The subtle implications of a chalk outline are phenomenal. Well done, sir. I didn't understand the end, though; the layers seemed to come out of nowhere. Also, you yourself are toeing a fine line that almost teeters into the cliched here. I personally think it works, but you may want to tweak things like looking good on paper and fine line.

These clumsy hands never could
Hold a pen straight
All of my ideas always did
Get carried away
By that endless canvass
Of empty space.

The line breaks made me think of William Shatner :shrug: here, it doesn't work quite so well.


Each part of this portrait
Has always been
Held together by
Little bony hands that
Mature and compose
Decompose and die.
I like the image of little bony hands. The line breaks are much better here.


Those crayons and pencils,
Markers and stencils,
Are all utensils
That contribute and take time.
Now feel the abrasions
Kissing your skin;
To know that you affected
Even just the nerves on fingertips
Should be a prize enough
For your patience.
Pencils/stencils/utensils feels like a kinda contrived rhyme, but even so, I like it. It's upto you whether you keep it. "Abrasions kissing your skin" is pretty sweet. I like it a lot. Also, since this is the thing I've read before, I can tell you already that the stuff in here makes more sense in the context of the theme you mentioned to me.

Also know that with
Each tool you take away
Wastes paint and leaves
Empty space
Where colors should have roomed
And evolved into other hues.
Take away "Also" at the beginning of the first line. Syntax seems confused--"know that with each tool you take away wastes paint"? Perhaps "...you waste paint and leave". I don't like the word room, and beyond the syntax bit here, I like this stanza.


Now we're just gray areas
Stuck in between those
Black and white sketches
Charcoal brushes and
Some empty pitches
Being painted out with
Watercolors that
Blur the image
That once was and
Could have been
So much more, so much more.
I'm a fan of colors used as imagery; this needs to be more vivid. Don't just tell me there are watercolors and blacks and whites and grays; show me the colors. Try to paint a picture with your words instead of just telling me "and there was this and this and this" (not what you're doing, but you know what I mean). I think if you gave me a sense of the colors--or the dulling thereof--then the next stanza might be stronger. Also, I like the choice of watercolors, since they're a very faded and dull coloring medium.

"Yeah" she said,
"I've got my baby, I'm alive"
But I knew right then,
What keeps you afloat, also anchors you in
And just know right now, that I know, I'm no father.


See, I like the idea of this closing stanza, but I'm not sure I like the execution. I think you have ever so slightly crossed the line between subtlety and blatancy. Tweak it a bit--and just a bit, because I think you need this to justify the rest of the piece.

In general, I'd like to see this again when properly punctuated, because, as I said, that's always pretty important. Also, overall, I'd like to see you go into more detail and really give us CONCRETE IMAGES to look at. The more vivid the imagery, the more solid the ending. Even if you end up writing more and expanding this as a result of adding more descriptive imagery, I'd be OK with it. It's better to go overboard and then trim the fat than not write enough.

[bootsydan]

Most of this wasn't for me - James and Pretentious Twat (David) pretty much summed it up. However I did like these bits:

Happened across
A bright assortment of chalk
Thought up an outline
Of everything that I want

Clever.

"Yeah" she said,
"I've got my baby, I'm alive"
But I knew right then,
What keeps you afloat, also anchors you in
And just know right now, that I know, I'm no father.


I like these lines on their own - although in context of the rest of the piece I'm not sure I see the connection.

[The Personist]

Most of this wasn't for me - James and Artfully Aborted (Who has a nice name I'm sure) pretty much summed it up. However I did like these bits:

[/I]

Clever.



I like these lines on their own - although in context of the rest of the piece I'm not sure I see the connection.

David.

[TK]

David.

Or pretentious twat, whichever you prefer.

:-d

[bootsydan]

David.

Or pretentious twat, whichever you prefer.

:-d

Fixed. (I mean no offense)

[TK]

I hate the inconsistent punctuation and the capitalization of every line.

"All of my ideas always did
Get carried away"

"Did get carried" is awkward... and I think grammatically incorrect? But it might just be awkward.

"Those crayons and pencils,
Markers and stencils,
Are all utensils
That contribute and take time."

Utensils? That rhyme absolutely kills me.



"Also know that with
Each tool you take away
Wastes paint and leaves
Empty space
Where colors should have roomed
And evolved into other hues."

"Also know" as a command and to start this stanza bothered me - not sure why. It's awkward and unnatural. You wouldn't speak like that, and everything else was quite conversational. Do you mean "roomed"? Maybe you mean "roamed"? I don't know. Either way - no matter which word you meant, that's really weird and I don't like that word there.

"Now we're just gray areas
Stuck in between those
Black and white sketches
Charcoal brushes and
Some empty pitches
Being painted out with
Watercolors that
Blur the image
That once was and
Could have been
So much more, so much more."

Could be great - give it punctuation. It will make this much more effective. But I think I like it. I don't understand "empty pitches being painted out". I don't know what that means. I feel like the wording on this might need to be re-worked a bit. It gets a little funky at times.

Overall, not a bad poem... not very good either though. It rambles, and I feel like some of it is just in there as "fluff". Make sure that every piece of it is essential to the sentiment of the poem... I'm not so sure all of it is. Love some of it, and it could be great, but at the moment it's just kind of mediocre.

Thanks for this, I really, really appreciate it. And I know my punctuation is horribly inconsistent, I'll definitely implement punctuation once I work on this. And roomed was in there by mistake, the word should have been bloomed. I'm not sure how I did that. Again, thank you a lot James for the critique.

I REFUSE TO READ IT BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M PRETENTIOUS. Lol JK

I think my first comment is that you should punctuate the poem properly. I'm a stickler for punctuation and think it should only be eschewed or omitted or manipulated when those things serve a specific goal. As such, this just seems a bit awkward without punctuation. Also: I've read a draft of this, yes?

I really like the chalk/outline of everything I want imagery. The subtle implications of a chalk outline are phenomenal. Well done, sir. I didn't understand the end, though; the layers seemed to come out of nowhere. Also, you yourself are toeing a fine line that almost teeters into the cliched here. I personally think it works, but you may want to tweak things like looking good on paper and fine line.
The line breaks made me think of William Shatner :shrug: here, it doesn't work quite so well.

I like the image of little bony hands. The line breaks are much better here.

Pencils/stencils/utensils feels like a kinda contrived rhyme, but even so, I like it. It's upto you whether you keep it. "Abrasions kissing your skin" is pretty sweet. I like it a lot. Also, since this is the thing I've read before, I can tell you already that the stuff in here makes more sense in the context of the theme you mentioned to me.

Take away "Also" at the beginning of the first line. Syntax seems confused--"know that with each tool you take away wastes paint"? Perhaps "...you waste paint and leave". I don't like the word room, and beyond the syntax bit here, I like this stanza.

I'm a fan of colors used as imagery; this needs to be more vivid. Don't just tell me there are watercolors and blacks and whites and grays; show me the colors. Try to paint a picture with your words instead of just telling me "and there was this and this and this" (not what you're doing, but you know what I mean). I think if you gave me a sense of the colors--or the dulling thereof--then the next stanza might be stronger. Also, I like the choice of watercolors, since they're a very faded and dull coloring medium.

See, I like the idea of this closing stanza, but I'm not sure I like the execution. I think you have ever so slightly crossed the line between subtlety and blatancy. Tweak it a bit--and just a bit, because I think you need this to justify the rest of the piece.

In general, I'd like to see this again when properly punctuated, because, as I said, that's always pretty important. Also, overall, I'd like to see you go into more detail and really give us CONCRETE IMAGES to look at. The more vivid the imagery, the more solid the ending. Even if you end up writing more and expanding this as a result of adding more descriptive imagery, I'd be OK with it. It's better to go overboard and then trim the fat than not write enough.

Thank you, foremost, for taking the time to write this massive amount of criticism. I'll take all of this to heart when working on a second draft, and I"m also glad that you were able to understand the context of everything I was writing about. I tried to hint a little in the title, I'm glad you picked up on things. Thanks again, you pretentious twat.

Most of this wasn't for me - James and Artfully Aborted (Who has a nice name I'm sure) pretty much summed it up. However I did like these bits:

[/i]

Clever.



I like these lines on their own - although in context of the rest of the piece I'm not sure I see the connection.

Those lines were meant to tie in and give a clearer meaning to what the piece was about, which was abortion. Although you didn't like most of it, I'm glad you liked the last stanza, as it was my favorite bit of the whole thing.

[OveriseFan]

Thanks for this, I really, really appreciate it. And I know my punctuation is horribly inconsistent, I'll definitely implement punctuation once I work on this. And roomed was in there by mistake, the word should have been bloomed. I'm not sure how I did that. Again, thank you a lot James for the critique

Ah, bloomed works MUCH better, and is a very fitting word in the context of that passage, and in the poem as a whole.