Misunderstandings

[newtothis]

I never became infatuated with Edna Pontellier,
like so many others who have gone before me,
who claimed that she had an awakening, a change of life
Philosophy, really just a womanly way of implying
That she was no longer in unity with her life, handpicked,
Not by fate, but by her own spree of rash perjuries.

But wouldn’t you know that these luckless lies
Were not manipulations of a cruel mind.
Rather, they brought about the unplanned demise of relationships
With her natural friends and family. For Edna didn’t think to talk
To her darlings about her new philosophy,
The one that held such great impact upon their lives, held absentee.

So really, it is easy to see how a lack of trust exists between
The broken connection of the unintentional fraud and un-expecting
Absentee. Yet Edna did not seem to care about the missing puzzle piece
Called trust that tied so intimately to the love she held for her little darlings.
And yet, I don’t happen to agree with this so called change of philosophy
That inspired Edna to deceive, however unintentionally.

I’m sorry.

[newtothis]

I really don't like The Awakening. ;-)

[thespearkid]

I hate the Awakening. Just wanted to say that before I read.

i love you

[newtothis]

I hate the Awakening. Just wanted to say that before I read.

i love you

What do you think of the poem?

[newtothis]

anyone?

[The Personist]

I'm workin' on it.

[thespearkid]

I like anything that puts an alternate spin on such a well-known piece (especially one I disliked). Structurally, it reads a bit like a bad review for the book with random 'Enter' keys thrown in. Your word choice is nice but could be a little more poetic/intriguing. Overall, it feels really safe. Take some risks.

4.6/10

[The Personist]

I like anything that puts an alternate spin on such a well-known piece (especially one I disliked). Structurally, it reads a bit like a bad review for the book with random 'Enter' keys thrown in. Your word choice is nice but could be a little more poetic/intriguing. Overall, it feels really safe. Take some risks.

4.6/10

I hate you for saying what I was going to say in more words. I'll add a bit.

In general, this reads more like prose with line breaks...and a book review. I also feel like the "I'm Sorry" at the end, what with the double meaning of it (sorry for not liking her and sorry for a transgression that is obviously analogized in the poem), could be a lot stronger if you made more personal the story you're telling here.

I also think the language could be more poetic. I'm not feeling the music of this piece right now.

[oddwithoutend]

Yeah, it basically reads like prose. Focus more on aesthetics and poetic devices next time around.

[fishingthe_sky]

I like anything that puts an alternate spin on such a well-known piece (especially one I disliked). Structurally, it reads a bit like a bad review for the book with random 'Enter' keys thrown in. Your word choice is nice but could be a little more poetic/intriguing. Overall, it feels really safe. Take some risks.

4.6/10

I hate you for saying what I was going to say in more words. I'll add a bit.

In general, this reads more like prose with line breaks...and a book review. I also feel like the "I'm Sorry" at the end, what with the double meaning of it (sorry for not liking her and sorry for a transgression that is obviously analogized in the poem), could be a lot stronger if you made more personal the story you're telling here.

I also think the language could be more poetic. I'm not feeling the music of this piece right now.
I agree with both of these guys. I think there is a general feeling of safe criticism here, one of wishing to rebuke without stepping on toes. If you hate The Awakening (as I do), then let the poem speak that. Don't apologize, whatever you do. That felt like a cop-out to me, regardless of any double meaning.

I did like the rhymes in the last two lines of the first stanza and the first two lines of the second. Keep those around.

[newtothis]

Thanks everyone. To be honest, this poem was written because I was acting like a douche. It was an apology poem, but at the same time, I can see how it isn't that good. I might come back and work on it later.