The Official Simpsons Quote Thread

[pikenz]

well....

"Think of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n!"


"Sex Cauldron, I thought they shut that place down!"

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

"At my house, we call fires 'Uh-Oh's' "

[Poetic Silver]

"Berries taste like....burning" Ralph Wiggum

Lisa: DAD!!! You're going to get us killed!
Homer: Or die trying!!!!

-Ag

[blaarg]

can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me, can't sleep clown will eat me.

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

whoa blaarg, better shorten that up or the HAHA police will turn into the Can't Sleep Clowns Will Eat Me police and ban you.;)

[ChineseNoodle13]

"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."

[ifeelused]

Originally posted by ChineseNoodle13
"Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation."
haha thats a good one

[Clarett'sGreyGoose]

"Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing."

[blaarg]

bart: wow dad, can you teach me how to fight like that?

homer: first you curl up in a ball and yell 'i'm a hemopheliac' and cry, then when he turns away in disgust, that's when you kick some back.

[chopstyks]

"Worst episode ever"

"Alcohol. The cause of and solution to most of life's problems."

"Me fail English? That's unpossible"

"There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson."

[kidinthecorner]

"It doesn't mean anything, like 'shamalamding-dong' or 'give peace a chance'"

[RUFiOOOOOOO]

"The doctor said i wouldn't get as many nosebleeds if i kept my finger outta there"- The greatest character of all time: Ralph Wiggum...

"Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me." - Ralph Wiggum

Ralph: "Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants."
Chief Wiggum: "Just relax and it'll come, son."

"Oh, so they have internet on computers now! " - Homer J. Simpson

Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

[mOvielife99]

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel" - Homer

[PaulsRightNut]

"Purple is a fruit"

"You don't make friends with salad, you don't make friends with salad!"

[yeat182]

"Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead..."

[ILLTRIP]

homer-"no t.v. and no beer make homer something something"
marge-"go crazy"
homer-dont mind if i do"

[MCRfan7]

ralph - mrs. Crabobple I ate my worm, can I get another one
mrs. crabobple - no ralphie

[Justin_stacy]

I am so smart "s-m-r-t" I am so smart "s-m-r-t" i am so smart "s-m.....a.......r-t" Duh.

[pikenz]

"Duffman can't breathe...oh yeaaaa"

[kidinthecorner]

Anyone have that quote of Homer's love letter to Marge? Its something like (...=completely forgot) "Dear Marge .... you got an ass that wont quit. they got these peauts that *mumbles incoherantly* 5 dollars?!? get outta here"

[kidinthecorner]

"We said 'meh' M-E-H, meh"

[goldfinger55]

something like this
homer: if ur happy and u know it say a swear
one kid:boobs
another kid:tushie
ralph:mittens

[chopstyks]

Originally posted by kidinthecorner
Anyone have that quote of Homer's love letter to Marge? Its something like (...=completely forgot) "Dear Marge .... you got an ass that wont quit. they got these peauts that *mumbles incoherantly* 5 dollars?!? get outta here"

Homer's only love letter to Marge, a postcard from the Duff Brewery:
Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, but you have a butt that won't quit, they got these big chewy pretzels (mumbles)....five dollars?!?!? Get outta here!"

^that one?

[daytonstyle503]

Originally posted by pikenz
"Duffman can't breathe...oh yeaaaa"


its "oh no oooooh no"

[daytonstyle503]

shelby ville's homer: "shake harda boy!!"

[daytonstyle503]

and i want everyone 2 know that the springfield hes talking about is in oregon, the north west, home of the most crazy ppl per square mile then anywhere else:)

[spedric444]

"well, when i was 6 my dad took me on a company picnic, it was a gay old time, i ate my fair share of weiners that day" - mr burns..

"their are white people named lenny, and black people named carl.. hahaha carl" - homer

"NOT LENNY, NOT LENNY!" - marge

[bossydacow]

RALPH: Dear Miss Hoover, you have Lyme disease. We miss you. Kevin is biting me. Come back soon. Here's a drawing of a spirokeet. Love Ralph

RALPH: Miss Hoover, there's a dog in the vent
Ms. HOOVER: Ralph, remember when you said Snagglepuss was outside?
RALPH: He was going to the bathroom

[Shatter590]

Lisa: You read all these books today?
Homer: Everything from 'Hop on Pop' to 'Death be not Proud' *sniffle* It was so tragic when they hopped on pop.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals...except the weasel.

Dr Hibbert: You've had a minor cardiac episode
Comic Book Guy: Worst episode ever

Human: Can I play the piano anymore?
Dr. Zaius: Of course you can
Human: Well I couldn't before

and lest we never forget:

Khlav Khaklash
No pizza, on Khlav Khalash
Ok, give me one bowl
No bowl, stick stick
Moutain Dew or Crab Juice?
You don't happen to have a men's room in there?
No mens's room, only Khlav Khalash

[Sean McGeezer]

But Florida is America's wang...
-Homer

[NetNerdsRevenge]

"Kill my boss? do i dare to live out the American dream"-homer

[somestupidgirl]

doh!...........doh!................ ..doh!

[kidinthecorner]

"My eye! My doctor says I'm not supposed to get puddin' in it!" - Lenny

[NOOOOOAHHHH]

doh!! nuts!!......doughnuts...

and when the doctor said i didnt have worms anymore that was the happiest day of my life

what do i need english for? im never going to england!

my cats breath smells like cat food

[punkqb]

sexamaphone

[madisonrules]

"we have a kitchen"-homer

[blaarg]

"so i says to the cop; 'no you're driving under the influence... of being a jerk!'" - lenny

[pikenz]

homer: "Its every parents dream to outlive there children"

[SomePerson22]

Originally posted by chopstyks
Homer's only love letter to Marge, a postcard from the Duff Brewery:
Maybe it's the beer talking Marge, but you have a butt that won't quit, they got these big chewy pretzels (mumbles)....five dollars?!?!? Get outta here!"

^that one?

I love that one.

Homer - "NEERRRD! Hey buddy, did you get a load of the nerd?"

Homer - "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked! I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening."

Homer - "Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!"

Homer - "I like my beer cold…my TV loud…and my homosexuals flaming."

Homer - "And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"

Bart - "Dad, thanks to TV,' I can't remember what happened 8 minutes ago. No, really, it's a serious problem. Ha, ha, ha! What're we laughing about?"

[day in paradise]

Homer - "I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."

Homer - "It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day."

Homer - "Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close."

Homer - "You know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment', and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."

[day in paradise]

Homer - "If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English."

Homer - "Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."

Homer - "All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad."

Homer - "I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!"

Homer - "Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours."

[kidinthecorner]

"Don't you hate pants?"
-Homer

"Pssh. Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire, beer kills braincells. Now lets go back to that...building..thing, where our beds and TV... is."
-Homer

"Dad's does this story have a point?" -Bart
"I like stories." - Homer

[SomePerson22]

Chief Wiggum - "Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!"

Chief Wiggum - "All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge."

Chief Wiggum - "See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya, otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free."

Chief Wiggum - "Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose."

Ralph - "I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant"

Ralph - "And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life"

Skinner - "I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it."

Skinner - " Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation. There's no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up."

Homer - "Homer no function beer well without."

Lenny - "Carl Carlson!"

Charles Bronson people - "Ma, can I have some cookies?" "No dice" "This ain't ova"

[alpha21]

Homer: That John is the greatest guy in the world. We've gotta have him
and his wife over for drinks sometime.
Marge: Hmm, I don't think he's married, Homer.
Homer: Oh, a swinging bachelor, eh? Well, there's lots of foxy ladies
out there.
Marge: Homer, didn't John seem a little... festive to you?
Homer: Couldn't agree more. Happy as a clam.
Marge: [insisting] He prefers the company of men!
Homer: Who doesn't?
Marge: Homer, listen carefully. John is a ho - mo...
Homer: Right.
Marge: ... sexual.
Homer: [pause] Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Homer: Ohmygod Ohmygod Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge: You're being ridiculous.
Homer: Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values. Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.
-- "Homer's Phobia"

Marge: I'm very sorry you feel that way, because John invited us all out for a drive today, and we're going.
Homer: Woah-ho-ho, not me! And not because John's gay, but because he's a sneak. He should at least have the good taste to mince around and let everyone know that he's... that way.
Marge: What on Earth are you talking about?
Homer: You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laming.
-- "Homer's Phobia"

John: Did he say where they were going?
Lisa: No. They were just going to find a deer and make Bart shoot it.
John: Deer? Ha! Not around here. They all migrated north when the state park converted to Astroturf.

Mobster: Johnny Tight-Lips, where ya hit?
Johnny Tight-Lips: I ain't say'n nuttin!
Mobster: What'll I tell the doctor?
Johnny Tight-Lips: Tell em to suck a lemon!